Trainwreck – Does it get any worse than this?

So one of my fellow ‘bloggers‘ (I fucking hate that word) actually lives in my wonderful city and I had the terrible misfortune of meeting her the other day. This chick is so fucking crazy she makes Kathy Lee Gifford look normal. I also have to note that we are arch-enemies because her dumb ass is a Cowboys fan and everyone knows that the Redskins are where it is at. In any case she wrote a recipe called the “Breakfast of Champions” and begged and pleaded for me to post it on my little site. I had to acquiesce out of pity. So without further adieu, I bring you The Trainwreck Chronicles:

You’ve been there. I’ve been there. Shit, your mom was just there yesterday.

You wake up after a night of drinking and aren’t quite sure whether you even want to open your eyes. You don’t know what you’re wearing, where you’re at, or what/who you did after noon the previous day. You’re not even actually sure it’s morning at this point. You’re thinking “wtf?!” If you’re lucky, you probably have “wtf?!” scribbled on your forehead in a Sharpie because even though you’re 26, you thought it’d be a great idea to play beer pong for 5 hours with your 21 year old crush. Yeah, I have no idea what that’s all about…totally random example.

Since I do this six days a week, I thought to myself, “Hey Self, Bobby Flay better watch his back, you are the Iron Chef of the Breakfast of Champions. How the HELL do you wake up and re-do this day after day after day?” And then YOU say to YOUR self slash to me, “I know you’re awesome and you’re a professional, but seriously…how DO you keep functioning after a night like that? Like fo’ reals? Teach me your ways.”

I’m the gold medalist of the Trainwreck Olympics, and a bleeding heart at that, so I thought it might be nice of me to give you amateurs a headstart on becoming as on top of your game as me. You’ll never be this good, but hey…everyone needs something to live for. And let’s not pretend–this is it for you.

So, in the words of another trainwreck-asshole-definitely-less-awesome-than-me-guy…Lets begin:

Breakfast Of Champions:
3 1/2 cups of Hatorade*
6 Aleve (Excedrin Migraine can be substituted if you so desire)
10 Text message outbox revisits
5 Espresso shots (this needs to be exact or the formula will fail, similar to how you fail at life every damn day.)
2 Outgoing call analyses. Don’t forget to include ‘call length’ in your mix.
2 Medium sized Morning After Pills
1 Pair of oversized sunglasses
2 Tbsp of regret
1/2 Cup of high five (optional)

Blend together in this exact order and as quickly as possible and you might survive. It’s 5′o clock somewhere and it’s coming quick.

*Editor’s note: This is actually the first time since 1993 someone has used the term Hatorade.