Hello Losers!

If you happened to find this page, you are in the wrong fucking place, idiot. This is my backup blog in case I get banned from my other one. If you really want to read this crap, visit http://cookingforassholes.com. Don’t forget to go fuck yourself.

– CookingAsshole

Father’s Day Breakfast

In a pitiful attempt to make me breakfast for Father’s Day, this is the gourmet meal my lady made: a fucking bagel sandwich. She made the bacon, thank God, but the scrambled eggs and potatoes were store bought! Who the fuck buys pre-made scrambled eggs? We even had eggs in the fridge. SO lazy. Also she needed my input the whole time on how to make the bacon so it was like I cooked it anyway. At least she didn’t burn the bagel in the toaster oven. In any case, it is the thought that counts and I was very pleased, and surprised, that my breakfast was semi-edible. Plus she bought me three really nice bars of dark chocolate so that really made my day. Happy Father’s Day to all you other Dads out there and hopefully you had a better breakfast than me. Try your best to ‘eat it.’

Trainwreck – Does it get any worse than this?

So one of my fellow ‘bloggers‘ (I fucking hate that word) actually lives in my wonderful city and I had the terrible misfortune of meeting her the other day. This chick is so fucking crazy she makes Kathy Lee Gifford look normal. I also have to note that we are arch-enemies because her dumb ass is a Cowboys fan and everyone knows that the Redskins are where it is at. In any case she wrote a recipe called the “Breakfast of Champions” and begged and pleaded for me to post it on my little site. I had to acquiesce out of pity. So without further adieu, I bring you The Trainwreck Chronicles:

You’ve been there. I’ve been there. Shit, your mom was just there yesterday.

You wake up after a night of drinking and aren’t quite sure whether you even want to open your eyes. You don’t know what you’re wearing, where you’re at, or what/who you did after noon the previous day. You’re not even actually sure it’s morning at this point. You’re thinking “wtf?!” If you’re lucky, you probably have “wtf?!” scribbled on your forehead in a Sharpie because even though you’re 26, you thought it’d be a great idea to play beer pong for 5 hours with your 21 year old crush. Yeah, I have no idea what that’s all about…totally random example.

Since I do this six days a week, I thought to myself, “Hey Self, Bobby Flay better watch his back, you are the Iron Chef of the Breakfast of Champions. How the HELL do you wake up and re-do this day after day after day?” And then YOU say to YOUR self slash to me, “I know you’re awesome and you’re a professional, but seriously…how DO you keep functioning after a night like that? Like fo’ reals? Teach me your ways.”

I’m the gold medalist of the Trainwreck Olympics, and a bleeding heart at that, so I thought it might be nice of me to give you amateurs a headstart on becoming as on top of your game as me. You’ll never be this good, but hey…everyone needs something to live for. And let’s not pretend–this is it for you.

So, in the words of another trainwreck-asshole-definitely-less-awesome-than-me-guy…Lets begin:

Breakfast Of Champions:
3 1/2 cups of Hatorade*
6 Aleve (Excedrin Migraine can be substituted if you so desire)
10 Text message outbox revisits
5 Espresso shots (this needs to be exact or the formula will fail, similar to how you fail at life every damn day.)
2 Outgoing call analyses. Don’t forget to include ‘call length’ in your mix.
2 Medium sized Morning After Pills
1 Pair of oversized sunglasses
2 Tbsp of regret
1/2 Cup of high five (optional)

Blend together in this exact order and as quickly as possible and you might survive. It’s 5′o clock somewhere and it’s coming quick.

*Editor’s note: This is actually the first time since 1993 someone has used the term Hatorade.

Chole (Curried Chickpeas)

I have been hanging onto this recipe for a long time. I think it is Japanese or Chinese but it doesn’t really matter because today it is American. I never got around to making it because dealing with fresh ginger is a pain in the fucking ass. Today I overcame my avoidance issues and picked up the requisite amount of ginger so I could finally make this fucking recipe. Alas, peeling it and grating it was a major buzzkill, but dinner was spectacular. Let’s begin:

Saute one large onion with one large ginger root (peeled & grated) and some garlic until mostly softened but they should still be semi firm. I can’t believe I have to waste my time explaining every little fucking detail to you. Just eyeball it, dumbass. Toss in 1tbl sugar, 1 1/2tsp cayenne, 1tsp cumin, and 1tsp coriander for about 5 minutes.

Toss in a drained can of chickpeas and two large diced tomatoes. “Should I seed the tomatoes?” What the fuck do you think? No, genius. Just dice them up. Holy crap.

Bubble over medium heat until reduced to desired consistency. Should take 10-15 minutes. Then add 1tsp tumeric, 1tsp garam masala, and some salt and pepper. Remove from heat. Garnish with cilantro and serve over rice or with that hippie crap, ‘naan.’ Eat it.

Bacon Wrapped Asparagus

Due to your excessive lack of culture, you hate asparagus. You have consumed it every way possible (boiling, roasting, pan frying, etc.) but you still cannot stomach the food of the elite. Well time to bring it down to your level, Loser McTrashy. Today everything is going to change because we are going to wrap these fuckers in bacon and roast the shit out of them. Let’s begin:

Start by washing your big ass stalks of asparagus. If you can only find the puny little asparagus spears do not attempt this recipe. It will not work. Get out your food bank bacon and start wrapping. Move from the head to the base and be sure to pull it taut. See above for visual aid, idiot.

Place in a 400 deg oven for 20 minutes. There you have it: heavenly bacon wrapped around tender stalks of asparagus. Finally you can partake of upper class taste, albeit through lower class means. Eat it.

Chocolate Pecan Pie

I made this pie over the weekend for a lady friend who traversed the Atlantic to visit and sample my wonderful culinary concoctions. That is the kind of natural draw I have with the ladies. This chocolate pecan pie is the bomb and I was asked to do a guest post by the funniest blogger out there (besides me, of course), Mr. Condescending, and I thought this would be perfect. So enjoy the recipe and don’t forget to peruse his blog. I read it as he writes it and he has no shortage of excellent material, like myself. Enjoy.

Funny Google Searches

Well I made a buch of super awesome food today but I don’t really feel like posting it yet so suck it, crybaby. I do, however, wish to share with you some humorous ways people have found my little website. Apparently I get all sorts of traffic from Google when people search for hilarious and/or pornograpic materials. Here are a few that tickled my funny bone:

pork explosion
brutal dick
how do i fucking cook asparagus?
stuffed assholes
what the fuck is a scallion?
artichokes are stupid
2 chicken for ass fuck
asschicken
asshole blow
asshole with yelow liquid
butterscotch fuck
cooking an artichoke and shit
cooking hamburgers that do not suck
crappy casserole
fuck and suck and cook
fuck artichokes
fuck ass chicken
fuck young ass sheet
fucking chicken ass
green onion hop head fucken hippie
habanero asshole
how to cook a regular fuckin chicken
how to fuck a chicken
muffins from a mix are you lazy
muffins make you shit
pictures of virgins ass holes
pinot fuck
receipes for the think and stupid
small ass fucking
suck cook
suck my creamy asshole
vegetarians are assholes

I swear to God all of these are actual searches. Now I will probably get a shitload more because I just posted all this crap. Great.

171st Cooking for Assholes Post!

Holy fucking shit! I thought I ran out of material after the fourth post! Thanks to you, the readers, I have kept plugging away despite the begging and pleading from friends and family to stop. It has been a crazy couple of months and to show my appreciation here is a “best of” post. Sometimes I think people miss out on all my ridiculously fantastic recipes from past weeks so here are a few I sure enjoy reading:

Brownies As Easy as Your Mom:
http://cookingforassholes.blogspot.com/2009/02/brownies-as-easy-as-your-mom.html

Fucked up Coffee Cake:
http://cookingforassholes.blogspot.com/2009/03/fucked-up-coffee-cake.html

Terrorist Balls:
http://cookingforassholes.blogspot.com/2009/03/terrorist-balls.html

Willamette Valley Pinot Noir:
http://cookingforassholes.blogspot.com/2009/03/willamette-valley-pinot-noir.html

How to Cut an Onion:
http://cookingforassholes.blogspot.com/2009/03/how-to-cut-onion.html

Vegetarian Chili:
http://cookingforassholes.blogspot.com/2009/03/vegetarian-chili.html

Jalapeno Cornbread Muffins:
http://cookingforassholes.blogspot.com/2009/03/jalapeno-cornbread-muffins.html

Dungeness Crab:
http://cookingforassholes.blogspot.com/2009/03/dungeness-crab-bitches.html

Spinach and Mushroom Enchiladas:
http://cookingforassholes.blogspot.com/2009/03/spinach-and-mushroom-enchiladas.html

BBQ Sauce:
http://cookingforassholes.blogspot.com/2009/03/sweet-ass-bbq-sauce.html

Lemon and Herb Chicken

No you freaking stoner, these herbs are not the illicit street drugs you ‘puff down’ with your loser hippy friends. We are talking about rosemary and thyme here. The combination of the two along with some lemon and garlic makes for a delightful marinate. “Can I use reefer instead of rosemary and thyme?” Are you trying to piss me off or are you just that stupid? Sure. Go right ahead and substitute your precious marijuana for legitimate herbs. Let’s begin:

In a ziplock bag mix together some rosemary and thyme (or your damn dope, pothead), the juice of one large lemon, 2/3c olive oil, 3 minced cloves of garlic, 1tsp kosher salt, and some black pepper. This is really simple and inexpensive to make so it is a perfect meal for people on a budget like you because you spent all your damn money on illegal drugs. Marinate for six hours and cook. Eat it junkie.

Grand Teton Brewing – Bitch Creek XX

Let me start off by saying this. Do you see that blue shit all over the place? That is the fucking wax off the top of the beer bottle. This is cool when Maker’s Mark does it because the cap is easy to get off. This was like trying to open a locked, chained up safe underwater. So fuck you Grand Teton for making this a real bitch to open. That being said, this double ESB was one fine brew. It was much thicker and darker than I expected but it was very smooth and flavorful without overpowering the senses. It only registers at 7.5% ABV. So pour this with a hearty meal on a special occasion with a fine lady. 4 out of 5. Drink it.