If you happened to find this page, you are in the wrong fucking place, idiot. This is my backup blog in case I get banned from my other one. If you really want to read this crap, visit http://cookingforassholes.com. Don’t forget to go fuck yourself.
– CookingAsshole
Tastes good it will make a grown man cry and put a smile on your face, ten miles wide. Thank you Warrant for bringing us the best fucking song ever. Although it may be rivaled by that cock rock song “stroke me.” I love that one. In any case this pie is the shit. Let’s begin:
Halve and pit about 4c of fresh ass cherries. “Can I use the brightly colored jarred ones? I like those.” You mean maraschino cherries? Are you fucking crazy? Stop asking retarded questions jackass. Toss with the following mixture: 1c sugar, 3tbl cornstarch, 1/4tsp salt, and 1tsp vanilla. Set aside.
Make two pie crusts. Now this is the second time I have omitted an instructional on lattice top pies. I still do not have any faith you can pull it off because you just suck that bad. “Your lattice looks all jacked, like your mom.” First of all that was a terrible “mother” joke. Second, I concur. I was lazy and did a large lattice when I should have taken the time and done a thin one. Whatever. At least I can lattice, loser. So just put your second rolled crust on top of the pie and cut some vent holes in it. I think you can manage that but I may be giving you too much credit.
Bake at 375 for a little over an hour and there you have it. Looks so good it will bring a tear to your eye. Eat it.So in an effort to redeem herself, my lady made this fucking awesome Caprese Salad for me tonight. This has been a regular dish in our home for quite some time and it never fails to please, like your mom. This is the recipe according to my woman:
Cut up one heirloom tomato (i.e. the hippie kind) and an 8oz package of fresh mozzarella cheese into large slices. Layer that shit: 1 tomato slice, 1 mozzarella slice, and some fresh basil. Top with salt and pepper and then a drizzle of balsamic vinegar and some extra virgin olive oil. Cover and fridge it before presenting to the awaiting audience. Serve with sliced, toasted bread if desired. Eat it.
This tart is so fucking good you will think the rapture is actually taking place. Once you put that first bite in your salivating mouth the heavens will open up and you will start levitating. Jesus’ white glowing face will look down upon you as your head is thrown back in ecstasy. He will say “too fucking bad, loser” and you will be driven down to the depths of hell. Jesus and I will then high five each other and laugh our asses off. Let’s begin:
First things first. Make your graham cracker crust. “Fuck that! I am just going to buy one from the store.” Dammit, you lazy sack of shit! Make your own fucking crust. It will be much better and the ladies will be like “Holy shit! You made this WHOLE pie from scratch?” Talk about being impressed. They will literally throw themselves at you. In any case, process the shit out of nine graham crackers along with 1/4c brown sugar. Then toss in a stick of melted butter and combine. Dump it into a pie pan and press it down, as seen above.
Bake your crust at 375 deg for 5-8 min. Set aside. Time to make the filling. With an electric mixer, beat the shit out of 8oz room temperature cream cheese and 1/3c sugar. Once combined add 1/2c sour cream, the juice from 1/2 a large lemon, and 1tsp vanilla. Pour into cooled crust and put it in the fridge for four hours. This is the base tart recipe so you can really just make this and put whatever the fuck you want on top.
During your break be sure to feed the welfare check so your lady doesn’t yell at you.
Make a compote out of 12 oz of raspberries and let it cool. You might want to cook it down a little longer than 45 min just so it is a little thicker. You don’t want a runny ass pie, stupid.
Place a layer of fresh raspberries down on the chilled tart and smother it with your compote. Eat it.
Since that guest post did not get the most rave reviews, with good right, I decided to bump it off the top post with my breakfast from this morning. My tee time today is not until 2pm so I actually had the opportunity to make breakfast. Usually I just drink coffee on Saturday mornings. This meal is really nothing special but it is sure as fuck better than the Breakfast of Champions. I just pan fried a bunch of shit and dumped in some eggs and topped it with cheese. Now that I think about it this may be a little over your head, loser. Let’s begin:
Take shit that is in your fridge. Throw in pan. Saute. How fucking hard is that? “Not very.” You’re damn right. I used red onion, broccoli, and fake breakfast sausage.
Dump in ~5 eggs whisked with some cold water and sour cream. Do not stir until it has time to form, dumbass. Otherwise your eggs will look like shit.
So one of my fellow ‘bloggers‘ (I fucking hate that word) actually lives in my wonderful city and I had the terrible misfortune of meeting her the other day. This chick is so fucking crazy she makes Kathy Lee Gifford look normal. I also have to note that we are arch-enemies because her dumb ass is a Cowboys fan and everyone knows that the Redskins are where it is at. In any case she wrote a recipe called the “Breakfast of Champions” and begged and pleaded for me to post it on my little site. I had to acquiesce out of pity. So without further adieu, I bring you The Trainwreck Chronicles:
You’ve been there. I’ve been there. Shit, your mom was just there yesterday.
You wake up after a night of drinking and aren’t quite sure whether you even want to open your eyes. You don’t know what you’re wearing, where you’re at, or what/who you did after noon the previous day. You’re not even actually sure it’s morning at this point. You’re thinking “wtf?!” If you’re lucky, you probably have “wtf?!” scribbled on your forehead in a Sharpie because even though you’re 26, you thought it’d be a great idea to play beer pong for 5 hours with your 21 year old crush. Yeah, I have no idea what that’s all about…totally random example.
Since I do this six days a week, I thought to myself, “Hey Self, Bobby Flay better watch his back, you are the Iron Chef of the Breakfast of Champions. How the HELL do you wake up and re-do this day after day after day?” And then YOU say to YOUR self slash to me, “I know you’re awesome and you’re a professional, but seriously…how DO you keep functioning after a night like that? Like fo’ reals? Teach me your ways.”
I’m the gold medalist of the Trainwreck Olympics, and a bleeding heart at that, so I thought it might be nice of me to give you amateurs a headstart on becoming as on top of your game as me. You’ll never be this good, but hey…everyone needs something to live for. And let’s not pretend–this is it for you.
So, in the words of another trainwreck-asshole-definitely-less-awesome-than-me-guy…Lets begin:
Breakfast Of Champions:
3 1/2 cups of Hatorade*
6 Aleve (Excedrin Migraine can be substituted if you so desire)
10 Text message outbox revisits
5 Espresso shots (this needs to be exact or the formula will fail, similar to how you fail at life every damn day.)
2 Outgoing call analyses. Don’t forget to include ‘call length’ in your mix.
2 Medium sized Morning After Pills
1 Pair of oversized sunglasses
2 Tbsp of regret
1/2 Cup of high five (optional)
Blend together in this exact order and as quickly as possible and you might survive. It’s 5′o clock somewhere and it’s coming quick.
*Editor’s note: This is actually the first time since 1993 someone has used the term Hatorade.
So at around ten o’clock last night I got me a hankering for some cornbread. As I reached into the fridge I suddenly realized I had a ton of broccoli that did not have too much time left. What was I to do? Eat a bunch of crappy broccoli and not get my cornbread? Fuck no. We are going to make a jazzed up cornbread that will appear healthy, taste great, and look bizarre. This is the perfect dish to take to your lame ass summer potluck, loser. Let’s begin:
Start by preheating your oven to 400 deg. Roast 2-3c of broccoli florets for five minutes and then pulse the shit of out them in a food processor. Make eight strips of bacon. When finished cooking the bacon, toss a diced shallot into the drippings, stir, and remove from heat. If you do not have a shallot, and you don’t, use 1/2 an onion, preferably red. Grate a shitload of cheddar cheese.
In a large bowl mix 1c flour, 1c yellow cornmeal, and 4tsp baking powder. In a smaller bowl beat 4 eggs and then pour into the cornmeal mixture. You should end up with some crappy looking shit as seen above. But that is okay because the next thing we add is a stick of butter.
Mix in your melted stick of butter, the shallot (including the drippings, don’t be a sissy), the cheddar, and the broccoli. Add them one at a time, genius. Form into the Pyrex with the back of a wooden spoon
Bake at 400 deg for 25 minutes and there you have it. This was actually the fucking shit so I would highly suggest making this for your idiot friends. The only thing I would change is the amount of bacon. We all know which direction that would be. Eat it.
Cooking for Assholes 