Raspberry Rapture Tart

This tart is so fucking good you will think the rapture is actually taking place. Once you put that first bite in your salivating mouth the heavens will open up and you will start levitating. Jesus’ white glowing face will look down upon you as your head is thrown back in ecstasy. He will say “too fucking bad, loser” and you will be driven down to the depths of hell. Jesus and I will then high five each other and laugh our asses off. Let’s begin:

First things first. Make your graham cracker crust. “Fuck that! I am just going to buy one from the store.” Dammit, you lazy sack of shit! Make your own fucking crust. It will be much better and the ladies will be like “Holy shit! You made this WHOLE pie from scratch?” Talk about being impressed. They will literally throw themselves at you. In any case, process the shit out of nine graham crackers along with 1/4c brown sugar. Then toss in a stick of melted butter and combine. Dump it into a pie pan and press it down, as seen above.

Bake your crust at 375 deg for 5-8 min. Set aside. Time to make the filling. With an electric mixer, beat the shit out of 8oz room temperature cream cheese and 1/3c sugar. Once combined add 1/2c sour cream, the juice from 1/2 a large lemon, and 1tsp vanilla. Pour into cooled crust and put it in the fridge for four hours. This is the base tart recipe so you can really just make this and put whatever the fuck you want on top.

During your break be sure to feed the welfare check so your lady doesn’t yell at you.

Make a compote out of 12 oz of raspberries and let it cool. You might want to cook it down a little longer than 45 min just so it is a little thicker. You don’t want a runny ass pie, stupid.

Place a layer of fresh raspberries down on the chilled tart and smother it with your compote. Eat it.