She’s My Cherry Pie

Tastes good it will make a grown man cry and put a smile on your face, ten miles wide. Thank you Warrant for bringing us the best fucking song ever. Although it may be rivaled by that cock rock song “stroke me.” I love that one. In any case this pie is the shit. Let’s begin:

Halve and pit about 4c of fresh ass cherries. “Can I use the brightly colored jarred ones? I like those.” You mean maraschino cherries? Are you fucking crazy? Stop asking retarded questions jackass. Toss with the following mixture: 1c sugar, 3tbl cornstarch, 1/4tsp salt, and 1tsp vanilla. Set aside.

Make two pie crusts. Now this is the second time I have omitted an instructional on lattice top pies. I still do not have any faith you can pull it off because you just suck that bad. “Your lattice looks all jacked, like your mom.” First of all that was a terrible “mother” joke. Second, I concur. I was lazy and did a large lattice when I should have taken the time and done a thin one. Whatever. At least I can lattice, loser. So just put your second rolled crust on top of the pie and cut some vent holes in it. I think you can manage that but I may be giving you too much credit.

Bake at 375 for a little over an hour and there you have it. Looks so good it will bring a tear to your eye. Eat it.

Raspberry Rapture Tart

This tart is so fucking good you will think the rapture is actually taking place. Once you put that first bite in your salivating mouth the heavens will open up and you will start levitating. Jesus’ white glowing face will look down upon you as your head is thrown back in ecstasy. He will say “too fucking bad, loser” and you will be driven down to the depths of hell. Jesus and I will then high five each other and laugh our asses off. Let’s begin:

First things first. Make your graham cracker crust. “Fuck that! I am just going to buy one from the store.” Dammit, you lazy sack of shit! Make your own fucking crust. It will be much better and the ladies will be like “Holy shit! You made this WHOLE pie from scratch?” Talk about being impressed. They will literally throw themselves at you. In any case, process the shit out of nine graham crackers along with 1/4c brown sugar. Then toss in a stick of melted butter and combine. Dump it into a pie pan and press it down, as seen above.

Bake your crust at 375 deg for 5-8 min. Set aside. Time to make the filling. With an electric mixer, beat the shit out of 8oz room temperature cream cheese and 1/3c sugar. Once combined add 1/2c sour cream, the juice from 1/2 a large lemon, and 1tsp vanilla. Pour into cooled crust and put it in the fridge for four hours. This is the base tart recipe so you can really just make this and put whatever the fuck you want on top.

During your break be sure to feed the welfare check so your lady doesn’t yell at you.

Make a compote out of 12 oz of raspberries and let it cool. You might want to cook it down a little longer than 45 min just so it is a little thicker. You don’t want a runny ass pie, stupid.

Place a layer of fresh raspberries down on the chilled tart and smother it with your compote. Eat it.

Citrus Pound Cake Muffins

Okay dummy, it has been a while since our last muffin escapade so I figured we are due for some serious muffin action. Today’s choice of dish was inspired by the blackberry compote I made. I desired a little something more in a side than vanilla ice cream so I am hoping these citrus pound cake muffins get the job done. Don’t worry, after the recipe I will provide directions to your nearest supermarket so you can just go buy their shitty ass pound cake, loser. Let’s begin:

In a small bowl mix 1c flour, 1/2tsp baking powder, and 1/4tsp salt. Set Aside. In a larger bowl, mix 1/2c sugar, the zest from one orange, and the zest from 1/2 a lemon. Blend it hardcore style with an electric mixer. Add one stick of softened butter and cream that shit. Now add four eggs, one at a time, and then add the juice from 1/2 an orange, the juice from 1/2 a lemon, and a splash of vanilla. Are you still following this or are you on your way to the supermarket already?Mix in your flour mixture.

Put your batter into a muffin tin. Unfortunately this brainchild of mine only yielded 10 muffins instead of the usual 12. “That is bullshit!” What-the-fuck-ever dude. You want to tweek the recipe to make 12? Be my guest. Until then be happy with your fucking 10 awesome ass muffins. Bake at 350 deg for ~20 min. Eat it.

Blackberry Compote

I did this guest post for Blog Catalog so head on over to their blog to check it out! If you are a blogger, and most of you are, I highly suggest you join their ranks. The discussion boards are fucking hilarious and super entertaining. I also made citrus pound cake muffins to pair with this awesome reduction so look for that posting to go up later today. In the meantime check out Blog Catalog and mingle with other bloggers! Enjoy.

Brownie Gift Jar

So when I told you how to make brownies all proper like (i.e. sans box), I suggested you could make a gift thingy out of it. While it did fit perfectly, my jar ended up being grotesque. It looks like a mentally challenged kindergartner dumped in the ingredients haphazardly in a vain attempt to please their parents. After this poor display I will probably end up on Mr. Condescending blog of shame. I am not too sure how I fucked this up so bad but I have a feeling it is because I just threw the shit in and didn’t pat it down or anything. See folks, this is what happens when you don’t follow directions. To make this foolproof I would mix all the ingredients together rather than attempting to layer them. That would be much easier and prettier that this piece of shit. Eat it.

Butterscotch Brownies

Okay I know what you are thinking, this post is going to be full of ‘butt’ jokes. Well guess again smart ass. You don’t think I can refrain from potty humor for a single post, huh? That sounds like a challenge. You are on! Let’s begin:

Melt 1 stick of butter and then add 1c of brown sugar. Damn the temptation! Stir until it has a smooth, clump free consistency and remove from heat. Oh crap. I think you are going to win this wager.

Once the mixture has cooled, beat in 1 egg, 1/2c flour, 1/2c nuts, 1tsp baking powder, and 1tsp vanilla extract. Pour into a 9×9. Must have self control!

Bake your batter at 350 deg for about 25 minutes until it is all nice and firm. Phew! That was WAY too hard. Now give me my five bucks. Eat it.

Peanut Butter Fudge

So late last night I go to grab a brownie and found out that I had consumed them all the night before. Blast! So what am I going to do? Slink away dessertless? Cry about it? Hell no. I am going to make me some fudge. This recipe is so simple you probably have everything you need to make it and it only takes a few minutes to whip up. I think you might actually be able to pull this off: emphasis on the ‘might.’ Let’s begin:

Get all your ingredients ready because we are going to move fast. Start by melting a stick of butter over medium heat. When it has become a liquid add 2c brown sugar and 1/2c milk. Bring to a boil for about two minutes and then remove from heat. Stir in 1c peanut butter, and 1tsp vanilla. Pour this mixture into a large bowl that contains 3c confectioner’s sugar (aka 10x). Beat until totally smooth.

Now here is where I screwed up. I should have lined my 9×9 pyrex with tin foil before I poured in the fudge so when it hardened I could pop the whole thing out. I got a little anxious for fudge. “Damn man, you need to clean out your toaster oven!” Fuck you. I will clean it when I feel like it asshole. Let the fudge cool and harden in the fridge. Eat it.

Bacon Brownies

Don’t say you didn’t see it coming from a mile away. Did you really think I would pass up on this opportunity? Once again bacon has turned an ordinary, dessert into a well rounded meal. “You are one sick bastard.” I think the person who did not think of the bacon brownies is the sick one. That would be you, fucker. To continue after being rudely interrupted, when I made bacon cookies there was not that bacon hit in every bite. This time I decided not to break it up so finely so you would really be able to taste the bacon. Plus I added extra bacon. To make these you just make your brownie batter and add eight strips of thick cut bacon. Be sure to break it into pieces dumbass. Eat it.

Strawberry Lemon Pie

Okay people. I did not take a shit load of pictures because this pie is way too time consuming and difficult for you to make so you don’t need the visual aids. I don’t think you could even do it if you tried; I truly don’t. In fact I only took one picture and it is of very shitty quality so fuck you. In any case this pie is freaking delicious; Too bad you can’t make it. Let’s begin:

Now I know this looks like a deranged alien clown face but it looks better in person. I swear. Start by making your filling. Whisk 2 eggs (cracked stupid), 1/2c sugar, and the juice from 1 lemon. Once you have completed this arduous task add 1/2 stick of butter and the grated rind of one lemon (grate it before you squeeze the juice out genius) and cook over medium heat until it thickens (6-8min). Put in a bowl, cover and fridge it for a couple hours. Time to make the crust. The recipe I used called for a cookie crust* which I did make but I found the dough fell apart really easily when trying to slide it in the pan. I would suggest using my regular crust as it is the bomb and easy to work with. Cut a bunch of slices in the bottom of the crust and fridge it for an hour. Take a beer break. Put the crust in a 400 deg oven for 20 minutes or so. Cool it completely. Make a strawberry reduction and cool it. Spoon the filling into the cooled pie shell and put the strawberries on top and brush them with the reduction. Chill for a few hours. See fucker? I told you there was no chance in hell you would ever make this shit. Eat it.

* For cookie crust make the same one as I do but use 3tbl sugar and instead of water use and egg yolk and 2tbl of heavy cream.

Snickerdoodles

Besides having a awesomely kick ass name, Snickerdoodles taste fucking fantastic. It is like you are biting into a heavenly cloud of sugar and cinnamon baked by God himself. So don’t snicker about these doodles because there is nothing to laugh about here people. Let’s begin:

In a large bowl mix 2 3/4c flour, 2tsp cream of tartar, 1tsp baking soda, and 1/4tsp salt. “Isn’t cream of tartar that seafood stuff? That would be gross in cookies.” No you fucking fool. Look to your damn spice rack not the fucking fridge. In an equally large or larger bowl cream 2 sticks of butter, 1 1/2c sugar, and two eggs. Mix the wet into the dry.

In a small bowl mix 2tbl sugar with 2tsp cinnamon. Roll into small balls, about the size of walnuts, and roll through the sugar mixture. “Walnuts are really small. I don’t want small cookies.” You are so fucking dumb dude. No one wants small cookies. We are talking about whole walnuts here genius, not the pre-chopped ones you buy. Place on a baking sheet and bake at 400 deg for 8-10 minutes.

And there you have it. Yummy in my tummy snickerdoodles. “Hey! Where’s the bacon?” Good observation. I would have put bacon in these too but my lady specifically requested that I did not. What a downer. Eat it.