My Stimulus Package

So the other day I was like “Hey! The government better damn well do something for me during these tough times. So where is my free money?” But then I realized that I already live off the government so I knew from experience it will take a long time to get more free money. Stupid slow-ass government. So I figured I should take things into my own hands by doing my best to screw “The Man” (i.e. struggling small local businesses).

I got a roll with my soup at the local market the other day and they said “would you like some butter?” I thought to myself that I have plenty of government butter at home but hey these guys are offering me more free butter; I absconded with four. Take advantage of condiments at your local restaurants. When no one is looking just slide that bottle of Tabasco into your pocket and then ask for another (steal…oops…borrow that one too). Why the hell not? You paid for it already by gracing them with your presence. Plus their food is shitty and overpriced. So next time you are at a restaurant or a market play a little game: how much shit can I fit in my pockets? And remember, if it fits in your pocket it is not stealing.

Brownie Sundae

put ice cream on a brownie dumbass

Mini Quesadillas

So I had some leftover thick sick soup but I had to give most of it to my dogs since I ran out of dog food. Now what the hell am I going to do with one crappy serving of soup? That’s right…MINI QUESADILLAS!!!! Just about anything and everything can go into a mini quesadilla except for pastas, pizzas, or other crap like that. Leftover meats and fillings can be transformed into wonderous culinary delights via the mini quesadilla. I’m serious dude; These things changed my life…well, at least the part that concerns leftovers. Let’s begin:

Take a soft taco shell and layer the bottom with cheese. Using a slotted spoon apply the thick sick soup, or basically any other leftover, to the cheesy taco. After taking this picture I felt there was not enough cheese so I added a bunch more. Turn heat to medium and wait for cheese to melt.

Fold in half and place another in the pan. A good rule to go by is flip at the same time since you will always be able to see the cheese in at least one of them. Continue to cook on both sides until they get nice and cooked. The beauty of these things is that you can put refrigerated leftovers inside them and the quesadilla-ing heats it up. No need to pre-microwave!

Bask in the glory of the mini quesadilla!

Garnish with sour cream and salsa if desired.

Sick Soup

This soup is sick (i.e. ill yo) and for the sick. I have come down with an illness and need some soup to ease my tormented soul. “Uh oh! What’s that in the distance? Is it…could it be…I think it is…The WHAAAMBULANCE!!! wwWHHHHAAAAaawwWHHHHAAAAaa…” Shut up bitch! This is the first time I have been sick in over two years and I am going to eat some goddamn soup. Now since I don’t feel like making anything, this soup will be totally easy…like your mom. “Why don’t you just open a can of Campbell’s?” Nothing gets through to you does it? Let’s begin:

First saute 1 onion, 2-4 minced cloves of garlic, 2 bell peppers (red, green, whatever…) and after about five minutes toss in 1tbl of chili powder (the ancho kind but if no ancho use regular), 2 tsp cumin and maybe some Old Bay to be on the safe side. Give it another couple minutes.

This is the hard part: add 1 can corn, 1c salsa, 1 can black beans, 1 can black eyed peas (or more black beans), 1 can stock, 2c water (add more water for a less thick soup), and 1/2c rice. Now don’t drain the beans; that juice is the shit! Just throw the whole thing in there but be sure to drain the corn. Oh yeah and make sure to drain the stock…

Whammy! Time to eat and watch The Steve Wilkos Show.

Brownies as Easy as Your Mom

It is time for your boxed brownie mix to descend to the gates of hell because the messiah has returned. As the title says, these brownies are as easy to pound out as your mom and it takes about as long with that “Amsterdam squeeze” she has going on. Be sure to check out the additional variations provided at the bottom (another burn on your mom). Let’s begin:

Mix together 1 1/2c flour, 1 1/3c sugar, 1/2c Cocoa powder (It is NOT what you are thinking junkie), 1/2tsp salt, and 1/2tsp baking powder. Then mix in 1 1/2c chocolate and 1/2c nuts (pecans, walnuts, etc.). With what you have accomplished here you can make a fantabulous gift for your loved ones or in your case your incarcerated children, parents, and/or spouse but it might be hard to get through security. See tips below for how to make said gift.

Now toss in 1/2c vegetable oil, 1/4c water, 3 eggs (cracked stupid), and 2tsp vanilla. Stir it hard and smooth until combined. Pour into a greased up 9X9 pan bake at 350 deg for no more than 35 min. The toothpick trick does not work due to the amount of chocolate.

Editor’s Note: The above recipe makes cake like brownies. If you would like fudgier brownies use fewer eggs but at least use one.

Variations:

Peppermint – Use pecans. Use 1tsp vanilla and 1tsp peppermint extract. Crumble peppermint (like a candy cane or something) and chocolate all over the top right when it comes out of the oven.

Peanut – Use peanuts. Toss in some chunky peanut butter at the end (Use JIF or something that hippie crap doesn’t work; Hippies are always hard to work with) and be liberal even though liberals suck.

Gift thingy – Pat & Layer salt, baking powder, 1/2c flour, cocoa powder, 2/3c sugar, 1c chocolate, 1c flour, 2/3c sugar, 1/2c chocolate, 1/2c nuts, in an airtight glass container with a note that explains the wet ingredients and cooking temp and time.

‘Special’ – Okay you prius driving pot smoking vagabond, for the last time drugs are bad and not to mention illegal and if you don’t like it go back to Russia or whatever the hell they call that country now.

Pies You Can’t Make

ALN got his kitchen back! To celebrate he made these pies:

Look good don’t they? Want the recipes? Too damn bad. They are mine and you cannot have them. Sucks for you, loser. You wish you could make these pies but you can’t and even if I posted the recipes you would fuck them up. Actually they are really rudimentary but I still don’t have faith in your abilities. You are my Hoda Kotb. Keep reading and keep learning.

Spices

Okay all zero followers I know what you are thinking: “why hasn’t ALN posted a recipe in a while? Did he run out of recipes? Was he a fraud all along? Did he die?” All of these are stupid questions. I am having a new floor installed in my kitchen which has rendered it off limits. Kiss my ass dummy. So today we are going to discuss spices and their uses. Chances are you have not heard of any of these so this will be detailed.

Does your spice rack look like this? I don’t think so. Your spice rack is a joke: a sick joke. Plus it doesn’t have the sweet decor mine does. How many people have an exterior window in the middle of their house? Not many. Eat it.

Allspice – Great in applesauce and pies like apple and pear. Do not put in everything because it says ALLspice Doogie Howser M.D. You will barf.

Paprika – It goes with everything savory. To imagine what it tastes like think deviled egg. I just use Old Bay.

New Mexican Chili Powder – This is the bomb. Ancho based. Great flavor. Use in any tex–mex, mex or chili as the main spice.

Chili Powder – Same as above but not as tasty.

Cumin – Stop giggling you immature loser. Cumin is awesome. Use as a back up whenever you use chili powder.

Cayenne – Use this to spice up anything from pasta sauce to mexican food. Use sparingly until you get a good grasp on the heat.

Zataran’s Gumbo Spice – Whatever. Unnecessary. Left over from previous life.

Old Bay Blackened – The SHIT! Put all over catfish. mmmm…..

Cock Flavoured Soup Mix – Staple of Dominica. You know you want it.

Celery Salt – Two words: Bloody Mary.

Stubbs BBQ Rub – “Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m a cook.” How can you NOT buy and use it. Stubbs makes a variety of products all of which are quality. If you are lazy and cannot figure out spice mixtures and marinades Stubbs has you covered.

Coriander – Ground cilantro. Use when fresh cilantro is unavailable (i.e. you are too lazy to go to the store).

Ground Mustard – Very potent. Mix with sugar, honey, wine, milk, etc. Basically make mustard out of it.

Almond Extract – For dishes that call for Vanilla Extract do half and half to add almond-y flavor.

Vanilla Extract – In all good desserts. I always use double the amount called for.

Cream of Tartar – Kicks eggs up a notch for cakes and crap like that.

Peppermint Extract – See Almond Extract.

Ground Garlic – Use instead of real garlic if you want your food to taste gross.

Ground Black Pepper – Do I really need to tell you how to use this?

Red Pepper Flakes – Pasta and Pizza baby.
Basil – Use in pasta. It tastes good. Try to use fresh instead (seeing a theme here?).
Old Bay – Use in everything. It is the best invention ever.

Old Bay Lemon and Herb – Great for fish and chicken.

Old Bay Garlic and Herb – See above. Also great for garlic breads.

Oregano – Italian, mexican, southern, etc. Good mixed with basil in all things Italian.

Sage – Think stuffing. That’s the taste you never could pin down.
Dill Weed – DO NOT try to smoke…hippie. Great on fishies and breads.

Marjoram – Not even Wikipedia could explain this one and the wiki is omnipotent.

Thyme – Great in blackened stuff French and Italian.

Saffron – You are too poor to even look at this spice. I am pretty sure they will not let you buy it with food stamps anyway.
Lemon Grass Powder – I do not even know why I have this.

Star Anise – black licorice flavor. Like absinthe.

Calcutta Heat – Indian food. Also killer in burgers.

Tumeric – Basis of Indian food. If you like Indian food you are better off making it at home so you don’t end up pissing out your ass.

Gram Masala – More Indian shit.

Greek Seasoning – Duh.

Poppy Seeds – No you cannot get high from eating these you damn beatnik.

Ground Ginger – I hate ginger because it tastes like shit.

Ground Cloves – See Ground Ginger.

Nutmeg – Think eggnoggy and pear and apple pie. Oh and spanish coffee.

Cinnamon – Put in stuff you want to taste cinnamonny genius.

Angostura Bitters – For the “old fashioned” whiskey drink. You can also add it to sprite or 7-UP to make ginger ale. Too bad sprite, 7-UP, and ginger ale are gross.

Sesame Seeds & Asian Five Spice – I don’t cook Asian food because it sucks.
Me so sorry!

Wasabi Powder – Mix with water to get the shit you see at sushi places. Put in mashed potatoes if serving with salmon.

Garlic Stuff – Use in lieu of real garlic but why the hell would you not have real garlic?

Garlic Bread Seasoning – Hello? McFly? Anybody in there?

Onion Stuff – See Garlic Stuff

Vegetarian Enchiladas

“Vegetarian?!? Why the hell would I eat something like that?” Hey dummy. You want to make it because ‘vegetarian’ is another one of those buzzwords chicks dig. Plus these are plenty good without meat. Also be sure to mention that you made these from ‘scratch.’ That will score you some major points. Points, not sustenance, is the name of the game when it comes to cooking. Top ramen is sustenance (barely) but scores you no points. Scratch vegetarian enchiladas sounds pretty good now doesn’t it? Let’s begin:

The filling is the first step and involves this shit here. The olives are optional but from my personal experience the ladies love the olives. Once again I can’t explain it; it just is. “This doesn’t sound very authentic.” Fuck you. We live in America not Mexico. The great thing about this country is that we steal ideas from other countries “Americanize” them and make them better. The filling is a product of the industrial machine; the sauce which comes later is “moi authenticos” dickhead. It’s the best of both worlds like that confusing video you found in your uncle’s closet as a kid.

Saute the onions and garlic first in a little vegetable oil until they are fragrant and translucent but not mushy. At this point you can add some spices to cook into the onions for a few minutes but our sauce is going to be so slammin‘ that we want our filling to be kind of bland so we don’t draw any attention away from the sauce. Add your black beans and let them meld for a few minutes. Remove from heat.

We added our corn and olives and now we want to add this much cilantro. Cilantro is really cheap and is a great kick in the pants for all american–mexican dishes. Just be sure you de-stem it and chop it finely. When you are in the produce section watch out for flat leaf parsley; it is fool’s gold. Set mixture aside.

Time to make the sauce. Okay I had to use fresh tomatoes this time. I found out I was out of cans of tomato sauce after I started this and did not want to go to the store even though it is only two blocks away. Plus I am out of food stamps already. So I boiled three tomatoes and once the skins split I transferred them into cold water de–skinned them and then mashed them up and simmered them for 20 min. Fuck that. Go to the fucking store and get the tomato sauce can. “Is that a baby bottle in the background. Do you actually have a kid?!?” Well your mom was over last night trying to pin that kid on me but I told that bitch to take me to Maury.

Put 2tbl vegetable oil in a large sauce pan over med-low heat. After it heats up whisk in 2tbl flour until it looks like this (about a minute or two).

Now here is the shocker (not THAT shocker you sicko): toss in 1/4c chili powder, 1tsp oregano, 1tsp cumin, and 1tsp old bay for good measure. Now there are two main types of chili powder. I think the best way to do this is use 1/8c of the normal stuff and 1/8c of the new mexican chili powder which is ancho based. It adds that flavor you are always trying to nail down – ancho. When you add all these spices your mixture is going to resemble something that came out of a sick dog but that’s ok just stir it constantly for a few minutes.

Slowly add 1 can tomato sauce and 1 1/2c water and whisk until it has become one with the flour and spices. Add some salt and simmer for 10-15 min. “Wait. Why did I go through all this trouble to make enchilada sauce? Can’t I just buy it in a can at the supermarket?” Good thinking genius. Too bad they all taste like shit. But go ahead and try it you lazy sack of crap.

By this time you should have already grated an assload of cheddar cheese or knowing you, opened two packs of american cheese slices. Spread some of the sauce on the bottom of a greased casserole dish and roll your enchiladas as shown.

If you have extra filling you can just spread it on top and then cover that bad boy with cheesy goodness. Oh yeah!

Now put the rest of your sauce all over everything. Try to spread it on evenly. I know; it’s hard.

Shabam! 350 deg and 35-40 minutes later you got yourself an express ticket to love city. You are welcome.

Pecan Scones

Well I woke up this morning and the woman I had over last night absconded with ALL my muffins. Didn’t I tell you they love those dried cranberries? I have coffee, but no breakfast snack. So I am going to make me some scones with pecans. If you do not have a food processor you can still make this but it is rather difficult and I really don’t think you can pull it off. So just get your ass up and head to the nearest coffee shop where they employ people who CAN make scones. Just be sure not to be late to your welfare meeting with your social worker. Let’s begin:

Okay so toss 2c flour, 1/4c sugar, 1-1/2tsp baking powder, 3/4tsp salt, and 1/2tsp baking soda into your food processor and mix it on full blast for a little bit. The idea is to turn all ingredients into a single ingredient. This is the key to cooking and the key to life. Don’t get it? Don’t worry it would make your head explode anyway you peasant. Just keep fucking whistling yankee-doodle all day long.

Once all the dry ingredients are mixed add 1 stick of chilled butter that has been cut into little pieces. Use “on-off” turns until you get something that resembles coarse meal as seen above. Then add 3/4c chopped pecans or other nuts and give it a few light turns. Hazelnuts work well too. I know what you are thinking: “why do you always have that stupid shadow in your pictures? are you simple?” Fuck you. I don’t have a goddamn production studio idiot. This is my fucking kitchen and if you don’t like my lighting you can kiss my fucking ass. Asshole.

Set the food processor aside but don’t disassemble it. Whisk together 1/2c milk, 1/4c sour cream, 1 egg, 1tsp vanilla. Set aside 1-2tbl of this mixture to use later as a glaze. Pour the remaining amount into the food processor.

Turn the mixture over until most of the flour is combined and the dough is nice and sticky. Before you reach your hand in to pull out the dough make sure you unplug the damn thing. You might end up losing MORE of your fingers to stupidity. It would be a tragedy if you prematurely parted ways with ol’ picker. Pat the dough into a disk thingy shape and place on a floured surface.

In a smooth and light manner roll the dough out into a 9″ circle and cut it into eights (eight slices dummy) with a sharp knife.

Transfer the scones to a greased baking sheet. If you do not use enough flour on your rolling surface your slices will stick to the board and it will result in a mangled mess, which would actually be a good representation of your person.

Now brush the scones with the reserved wet ingredients and don’t forget the backs and the sides (not the bottoms…duh). Sprinkle the tops with a generous amount of sugar. The first time I made these I was conservative on the sprinkled sugar and my lady was like “hey! where’s the sugar?” to which I replied “I got your sugar right here baby.”

Bake at 400 deg for 15ish minutes and immediately put on cooling rack. “Where are the other two scones? Did you burn them.” Shut the fuck up! They wouldn’t fit on the damn rack dumbass.

Cranberry Walnut Muffins

These muffins are super tasty and they are so easy a blindfolded fully amputated monkey could make them. And not one of those smart monkeys but the really dumb kind. So hopefully you can pull it off. Plus they have dried cranberries in them and women go nuts over dried cranberries for some reason. They put them in salads and all kinds of crap. I don’t get it; I just work with it. Let’s begin:

First whisk together 1 1/2c flour, 3/4c oats, 1 tbl Baking Powder, 3/4tsp salt. Some people (dumb ones) think that you need to sift flour. Fuck that. Sifting is a waste of time and energy for no return. Anyone who asks you if you sifted your flour is a douche bag but make sure to lie and say you did otherwise they will get their panties in a bunch. Losers. Set mixture aside.

Now put 3tbl softened butter, 3/4c brown sugar, 3/4c milk, and one egg into a deep bowl. In order to be deep it must make retarded comments like “the universe is the interior of the lightcoal of creation” or something else equally as stupid.

Mix it all together with an electric mixer until you get something that looks like this. Don’t worry this is not intended to be a cream so there are going to be small chunks of butter. Just don’t let it get as foamy as your underpants when you were a kid on that long fateful car ride…

Now fold the wet into the dry. No need to segment this; you can do it all at once. Make “out to in” turns with the spatula while turning the bowl. DO NOT get lazy and use the electric mixer…I know you were thinking it!

Once you have completed combined the two into one, add 1/2c dried cranberries (and no, frozen cranberries are NOT the same dried) and 1/2c chopped walnuts. Don’t be a dumbass and chop each one individually. Break apart with your hands (uh oh you might ruin that man-icure you just got…pussy) or you can put under wax paper and crush with a rolling pin. Now here is the secret to these muffins. At this point the dough is pretty thick right? Well let’s make it softer, which will make for fluffier muffins, by adding some vegetable oil. Keep adding (~3tbl) until you get the consistency you would like. Be sure to mix the oil in very well or you will fuck it all up and then you will have to throw it away. Try explaining to your woman why she is missing some of her dried cranberries…it will not be pretty.

Spray a muffin tin with non-stick shit (NOT the olive oil kind stupid) or to make it healthier you can brush the tin with melted butter. Divide the batter equally amongst the hole things, bake at 350 deg for 20-22min.

And hot damn you got yourself some fucking muffins. Be sure to turn out onto a rack ASAP.