Grilled Hippy Burgers

The portobella mushroom is gianormous and has a really meaty flavor and texture so it is perfect as a burger alternative for your stupid liberal hippy friends. Hippies love mushrooms. The prep for this dish is super easy so you will have no problem whipping it up in a jiffy which is good because hippies usually ambush you at your home when you are not expecting them. Do not let hippies stick around too long or they could end up being permanent residents, like fungus. Let’s begin:

The basic way to make these hippy burgers is to cut off the stems and brush them down completely (both sides) with olive oil. There you have it; That is the motherfucking recipe. I, however, remembered that I had some leftover rosemary from my lamb and used that with some garlic. So you too can scrounge your empty fridge for items to flavor your hippy burgers.

Toss on the grill for 10 minutes per side but it really varies depending on how hot you got that bad boy going. I had a pretty raging fire and I did them for 8 min per side and they were fucking perfect, as usual. Place on a bed of arugula and spread a garlic aioli on your bun or in your case iceberg lettuce and mayo. Eat it.

Garlic Rosemary Grilled Lamb

Today on my trip to the local market I spotted these cheap ass lamb chops that were fresh from an Oregon farm: much better than fucking frozen and shipped from Australia or some other bullshit. So I bought me a chop to toss on the grill (for less than $4 sucker) but I figured I would gussy it up a little to impress. Let’s begin:

Rub your meat down with some fresh rosemary (take it off the stem stupid), minced garlic, salt and cover with red onion slices. “Can I use dried rosemary and garlic salt?” What the fuck do you think? Hell fucking no. That would completely and totally defile your lamb. If you are too damn lazy to get fresh rosemary and garlic just rub it down with salt and pepper. God you piss me off sometimes. I try to make something nice and all you ever do is ruin it for everyone. Way to go.

After letting the rubbed down lamb kick it in the fridge for about an hour, toss that baby on the grill over direct heat for about 7-10 min per side. Remember it is okay if your baby lamb steak is bloody; It’s red meat.

Lunch is served. This lamb was freaking awesome so you better try this one. You can also do the same thing with beef but if it is a nice cut you want to leave it to good old salt and pepper, dumbass. Eat it.

Super Easy Grilled Chops

This recipe is so easy even the totally inept dregs of society, such as yourself, are capable of pulling it off with flying colors. No overnight marinades, pan-Asian sauces, or any other bullshit: just good old fashioned pork, America style. “But I like ‘Asian‘ influenced American cuisine.” You disgust me with your lack of culture. Me? I got culture coming out of my ass. Let’s begin:

Take your chops and rub in some salt and pepper. Now lightly cover them in good ol‘ fashioned flour but be sure to shake off any excess. “Can I use whole wheat flour?” What are you, fucking dumb or something? Hell no. Only use regular flour.

Put the chops on a super hot grill over direct heat. Be sure to cover while you are cooking, stupid, or you will end up with two more pieces of charcoal. Cook for about ten minutes per side but this really depends on the thickness of your chops. You kinda have to eyeball it. You do NOT want red pork dummy. If you burned them and they are red in the middle move them to indirect heat and continue cooking with the cover on.

Here is lunch. I could have bought a sandwich from the local hipster boutique food store or, for the same price, I could chomp on some killer chops. Eat it.

Habanero Buffalo Burgers

Back in the olden days when woolly mammoths and saber toothed tigers roamed the plains of America there was also another beast: the buffalo. The buffalo was a fierce predator with a ruthless hunger for the weak and young of the human race. Through DNA samples scientists were able to clone the wild monster and now we can enjoy it for our consumption. Who owns who now bitch? Let’s begin:

Start by dicing up a habanero pepper. They are the little orange ones dumbass. Be sure to use your bare hands; Rub your eyes and adjust your junk right after you dice them up. Buffalo meat is lean enough that you do not need an egg or any bullshit like that. Just mix in the pepper and form a patty out of it. Make sure the habanero is mixed in evenly or else you will be fucked. Toss on a hot grill for about five minutes per side.

Take that evolution! Think you can extinct a species? Think again. Welcome to the world of Man. Possible toppings include but are not limited to: bacon, cheese, lettuce, tomato, red onion, etc.

Barbeque Chicken

So after a great round on the links I decided to throw some chicken on the barbeque, slow style. If you have not wrapped your pea sized brain around it yet, the ONLY way to cook anything on the grill (except burgers and steaks) is to slow your role. This allows you to kick back and relax while the meat turns out tender and juicy as all fucking get out. Let’s begin:

You are going to employ the same method we used for the barbeque pork. Put all the coals on one side (direction of wind) and put the chicken on the other. “Can you explain this some more.” Are you shitting me? You even have a picture there to show you! Just think indirect heat, asshat. Wash the chicken but do not apply anything to it. “What about…?” NO! Also make sure your chicken is boned. Flip every half hour and cook for an hour per pound. The cuts above are 1lb each. Do I cook them for two hours or one hour? “Two hours!” Wrong bitch. As they are individual pieces I only need to cook them for one hour.

Make your barbeque sauce. Apply to chicken in the last five minutes of cooking just so you get a nice hot glaze on there. Eat it.

Pork Rub

The sun is shining, which is rare in Portland, and the temperature is now above seventy degrees: time to motherfucking BBQ. This recipe is a remnant from my college days when slow cooking large cuts of meat was all the rage. “You? College? I think not.” Fuck off dickhead. At least I made it past the second grade. This ain’t your mom’s shitty overdone pork; This is the real deal. It is juicy and succulent on the inside with a spicy and almost jerky like exterior. Let’s begin:

Wash your pork thoroughly and pat dry. In a small bowl mix together your spices. With this dish I have two categories: a lot (tablespoon) and a little (teaspoon). Here are the spices you want a lot of: Old Bay (shocker right?), Old Bay Garlic and Herb, Paprika, and Chili Powder. Here are the spices you want a little of: Cumin, Cayenne, and Coriander. Gently rub the spice mixture all over your pork. Don’t leave any flesh showing, you want to coat the whole thing. Put on some romantic music to make it feel more comfortable.

On your BBQ get your coals going and when they are half-white move them to the side of the grill (preferably the side where the wind is coming from). Place your pork on the opposite side and slow cook (make sure it is covered and the vent is on the opposite side of the coals) for about an hour per pound. Flip every thirty minutes and replenish the coals as needed. DO NOT add more lighter fluid retard. The timing for this dish is perfect for company because you can kick it in your backyard, socialize, and get loaded while you are cooking.

This was a little over two pounds so I pulled it off after two hours. Simple enough for you? This looks like a piece of artwork. A very tasty piece of artwork. Damn I jumped right back into the season. So how badly did you fuck it up? Does your pork look like a charcoal brick? Thought so. It is all about the indirect heat stupid. Don’t force your pork.

A big slice of heaven. Eat it.