Lemon Roasted Halibut with Broiled Portabello Mushrooms

This dish has a nice fancy name but it is as simple as simple gets, like you. If you cannot make this lovely dinner then you have no business in the kitchen. Then again, you probably fuck up peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. But hopefully this is the recipe all you inept jackasses can actually try and pull off. “That sounds like a challenge.” That’s because it is one, loser. Let’s begin:
Start by prepping your fish. Pour a little olive oil over your fish and rub it down all nice and smooth like an inappropriate massage. Don’t forget to sprinkle it with salt and pepper, dumbass. Place two super large slices of lemon on top and you are ready to go. 450 deg oven for 15 minutes.

Cut one portabello mushroom into thick slices and place on a cookie sheet. Brush with olive oil and salt and pepper them. Broil for 5 minutes. You want the sheet ~3 inches from the burner and be sure to keep the door open a crack. If you do not follow these “suggestions” your meal with be all sorts of fucked.

Put them all together on the plate and there you have it. “Is it me or is this the most fucked up plating I have ever seen.” Fuck you asshole. This is my fucking lunch not some bullshit food network show. You want to learn how to cook? Stay here. You want art? Get the fuck out. Eat it.

Halibut Steaks

In a vain attempt to redeem myself after that uncharacteristic fuck up, I purchased some nice halibut steaks. These are not your average fillets people; They are thick ass fish steaks that are ready for some lovin‘. I was thinking I would just cook them straight with some lemon to experience the full flavor of the fish, but then I thought better of it and dressed them up all nice like. They turned out to be fucking incredible so I would highly suggest making this dish. Let’s begin:
Chop up one small zucchini, or courgette for you pretentious assholes, and saute it with some garlic until it gets softened but still has some firmness. Remove from heat and add one chopped tomato (seeded and gutted, dumbass), 1/2 red onion, a handful of chopped basil (the fresh kind, moron), and some salt and pepper.

Place your halibut steak in a glass baking dish and cover that bad boy with your mixture. Top with feta cheese. “Damn you have been using a lot of feta cheese recently. What the hell?” Well if you must know, it was another freaking Costco purchase. Due to the absurdly large quantities, it is always a race to use it all before it goes bad. So far I am winning. Remember the notion of concept cooking, simpleton? It is all about using what you have on hand.

450 deg and 20 min later (cover with aluminum foil for the last 5 min) you have yourself a fucking awesome main course. This topping was nice and light and surprisingly it did not detract from the natural tastiness of the fish. It is a delicate balance but I perfected it. Eat it.

Lemon Rockfish

This is a basic recipe for how to cook whitefish. Never mind that this particular fish is called ‘rockfish.’ It does not fucking matter at all as it is basically the same shit as any other whitefish. So here is your chance to actually use your tiny duck brain for something valuable. Add whatever you want to this dish: fresh herbs, fritos, bugles, etc. to jazz it up. Let’s begin:

Wash your fillets thoroughly and pat them dry. Place in a Pyrex baking dish and rub down with oil. Sprinkle and salt and pepper all over. Place slices of lemon over the fish as seen above. If you decide to use fresh herbs, place them in between the fish and the lemon, dumbass. Cover with aluminum foil.

Bake at 400 deg for 20 minutes. Eat it.

Chipotle Shrimp

Okay stupids, today we are going to take an alternative approach to cooking with chipotle peppers. This is the final recipe that contains them so after this we will move on to something else. “Fucking finally dude. This chipotle business was starting to piss me off.” Well fucker, if you had any brains in your tiny neandertal head you would realize I just provided you with enough recipes to use a whole can of chipotle peppers so you should be fucking thanking me you ungrateful piece of shit. Let’s begin:

Melt half a sick of butter in a large skillet. Add some garlic and saute until fragrant (about one minute, idiot). Add 1/4c red wine, 1 1/2tbl Worcestershire, 3 diced chipotle peppers and some sauce, and 1tsp salt.

Bring the sauce to a simmer and toss in your shrimp. No dumbass, put them in a single layer as seen above. Make sure you shelled and deveined them too, genius. Cover and heat for about 2 minutes. Flip your shrimp, recover, and cook for another 2 minutes. Remove from heat.

Serve over rice. Eat it.

Tuna Casserole

All the ingredients for this wonderful casserole are sure to be found in your trailer. Anyone who has a semi-stocked kitchen can pull this off in a pinch. However, since you cannot substitute Top Ramen for the pasta, you might be in a little trouble. Hopefully the food bank has served you well. Let’s begin:
Cook one package of farfalle (the bowties, dumbass) and set aside. In a large bowl mix one can of tuna (drained), one can of cream of mushroom soup, 1/3c milk, 1/3c sour cream, 1c frozen peas and an assload of cheddar cheese. “Can I just use this box of Tuna Helper I got with my food stamps?” Be my fucking guest. Eat shitty food and never really make anything for yourself. That is a true life worth living. This recipe is as easy as easy gets and you still want a box to help you? Loser. Add the pasta to the mixture and turn into a casserole dish. Top with pieces of bread.

Bake uncovered at 375 deg for about 15 minutes. Eat it.

Salmon Tacos

This recipe can be used for pretty much any fish but salmon is far superior so I would highly suggest using salmon. These tacos are simple and yet complex as the combination of citrus cream, fish, and cabbage collide like the silent meeting of meteors in distant space: so many years in the making for such a explosive but calm event. So while you are eating your tacos keep in mind just how many generations have passed in order to bring this single fish to your plate. Too bad the only thing running through your melon head is “me hungry. Me eat now.” Let’s begin:

Start off my making your cream sauce. Hey! Get back here you sick pervert! We are talking about a smooth citrus cream for your tacos jackass. Mix 1/2c sour cream, 1/2c mayo, and the zest and juice from one lime. “What the fuck is zest?” Zest, my slow friend, is finely grated rind. “What is rind?” Now you are just fucking with me.

Cook some salmon fillets with just salt and pepper in a 350 deg oven for 15-20 minutes. Flake apart and line two mini tortillas. You really should cook your tortillas in oil but knowing you, you will probably use the fucking microwave.

Top with your cream sauce, diced tomatoes and jalapenos (if you would like), and some cabbage. Garnish with lime wedges. As a side dish I served Mexican rice and Mexican black beans. The black beans were so lowbrow the recipe was like something you would make. I just opened a can into a saucepan, dumped in some salsa, and heated. Believe it or not it tasted pretty darn good and took about 30 sec to make. Eat it.

Breaded Catfish

So after having blackened catfish for lunch I figured I would do something a little different for my dinner. In case your dumb ass has not figured it out, the one on the left is blackened and the one on the right is breaded; The only difference is the coating. Cooking time and everything else remains the same. The coating is as follows: 1tbl flour, 1tbl cornmeal, and 1tbl Old Bay. Once again in case you did not figure it out it is an equal parts recipe stupid, so you can make as much or as little as you want. 1tbl of each will give you enough for two fishies. Eat it.

Blackened Catfish

Many moons ago when the settlers first discovered what is now North Carolina, they found a magical bottom feeding fish that would take just about any bait. They called it the catfish because it has the same brain capacity as a feline. They originally called it the ‘stupidfish‘ but that name didn’t stick. By slapping a shitload of spices on it they turned a crappy fillet into a culinary delight. In modern times we refer to it as the ‘Blackened Catfish.’ Let’s begin:

Start by making your spice mixture. Normally I would say “use Old Bay blackened idiot,” but today I feel like making my own unique mix which is as follows: 1tbl paprika, 1tsp cayenne, 3/4tsp white pepper, 3/4tsp black pepper, 1/2tsp thyme, 1/2tsp oregano. Mix thoroughly and set aside. You can use this spice mixture for anything you want. Blackened shrimp are the bizdiggy.

Wash and dry your catfish and then apply your spice mixture. Some people, stupid ones, use oil or egg white to adhere the spices to the fish. This is totally dumb and unnecessary. Don’t do it. “Can I use tilapia instead of catfish?” If you are a total moron and want your food to taste like shit, you can use tilapia. Just don’t blame me for it asshole.

On a cast iron skillet melt 1tbl butter and 1tbl garlic juice over high heat and slap that fillet down. Sear for 3-4 min per side and then remove from heat.

You can do anything you want with your catfish. No! Not that you sicko! You can SERVE it with anything you want. Red beans and rice work well or you can just make a sandwich out of it as I did here. Be sure to use extra mayonnaise. Eat it.

Fire Death Shrimp

These fire death shrimp are fucking hot as the depths of hell so get ready to go running for the hills crying for mommy. You should only attempt to consume them if you have recently been checked out by a gastroenterologist (stomach doctor, stupid). These shrimp are so fire hot they make everything else you have ever had look like child’s play. They are perfect for the boastful individual who thinks they are immune to spicy foods. Make these to fuck them. Let’s begin:

Take your shelled and de-veined shrimps and liberally (I hate liberals!) coat them in harissa. “Hey, I am a liberal and I believe America should have big government that eventually turns us into a functional socialist nation.” You are everything that is wrong with this country you dumb fucker. First off there would be nothing ‘functional’ about it and second big government fucking sucks ass. I say back off you fucks and get the hell out of my life. This is America dammit and I should be able to do whatever the fuck I want to.

Get a cast iron skillet real hot like at about a 6 or a 7 and toss those puppies down for about a minute and a half per side. That means flip them dumbass.

And there you have it: fire death shrimp. Serve over rice or some other shit like that. Do whatever you want I don’t really give a fuck. Eat it.

Grilled Ass Stuffed Trout

I have been making this dish ever since I started cooking. “Why?” Because it is fucking easy as shit and it is the bomb, dummy. The combination of leeks, mushrooms, and wild rice gets jammed into the body cavity of a whole trout and then you roll it up in tin foil and toss it on the grill. This impresses the ladies to no end. They love stuffed things and man grilling so this is just perfect. Since we are using whole fish you can pretend you caught them at the local fishing hole too. Let’s Begin:

In a large pot, saute 1/4c thinly sliced leek, 1 1/2c mushrooms, and 1 clove of garlic for three minutes. “Uh, what the fuck is a leek?” Holy shit you are dumb. A leek, retard, looks like a gigantic green onion but it tastes different. “Uh, what does a green onion look like?” Stop cooking now. Call your local eatery for a take out order because you fucking suck ass at everything: especially cooking.

Dump 4c of water and 1/2c wild rice in the pot. “Is wild rice just white rice that wears ripped jeans and listens to Bon Jovi?” Was that your attempt at a joke? That’s all you got? Good one. Boil, cover, reduce heat, and simmer for 50 minutes. Then drain the rice but reserve 1c cup of the broth. Set aside. Return reserved liquid to heat and boil down for about ten minutes. Set aside.

“Ew, Ew, Ew! Gross, Gross, Gross!” You fucking sissy ass pansy. Roll up your fucking sleeves and grab that goddamn fish with two hands. Were you raised in a condo or some shit? Damn. Stuff that mixture into the fishie and don’t forget to stuff it into its head. Place on tin foil and some thyme sprigs and roll up in tin foil. Place on hot grill for 10 min per side.

Saute 1 1/2c thinly sliced leek and 1c mushrooms until mushy. Place fish on bed of leeks and mushrooms and pour a little of the broth over. Eat it.