Red Diamond Winery – 2004 Shiraz

As a general rule I usually don’t drink wine from Washington State but my lady brought this bottle home the other night. I threw caution into the wind and popped the cork out. The second it rolled across my lips I recoiled in horror. This wine was fucking disgusting. It was sweeter than the tender kisses your mom showered upon me last night while you were watching us from the closet. The overt sweetness gave it that ‘church wine’ taste. In fact, I am pretty sure I have had better wine at church but that was probably due to the transubstantiation. In any case, I inquired as to where this dreadful wine was purchased. The response? A fucking gas station. 0 out of 5. Oh hell no!

Methven Family Vineyards – 2007 Westland Lane Pinot Noir

“Hey that label looks familiar! Did you review this already?” Good eye but wrong reference dumbass. This was the wine in the background of the post Willamette Valley Pinot Noir. So no I have not reviewed it asshole, you just can’t remember shit because of your junkie reefer habit. This wine is very, very good for being a $14 Willamette Valley pinot noir. That is about 50% below the typical price, however they do not disappoint. It is definitely not a ‘big’ pinot but it gets the job done in good form. Too bad the name of the vineyard is “Meth”ven. I fucking hate meth and all fucking meth heads. Tweekers seriously piss me off. Click here for pictures of nasty fucked up junkies in my county. So the only recommendation I have is that you change your family name, jerkoffs, but good job on the wine.

Brooks Winery – 2007 Runaway Red

A friend was nice enough to bring this bottle of Brooks’ Oregon pinot noir over but after seeing a picture of Trotsky on the label, I immediately became suspect. Such marketing techniques are often used to mask shitty contents and, of course, this was no exception. “Hey! I like bottles with pictures of dead guys whose politics I am totally unfamiliar with yet admire, like that guy Che.” Case in point. You are the reason fancy labels exist. If it were up to me every label would be black and white text only. Although the wine was definitely a nice table wine, it was not for pure solitary enjoyment, certainly not for $18 a bottle. 3 out of 5. Don’t drink it.

Kings Ridge – 2007 Oregon Pinot Noir

Once again in some delusional, ass backwards mindset I picked up a shitty non-Willamette Valley wine in hopes it would be good. This time it bit me in the ass. This wine was fucking foul; Transients would turn it down. After sipping on this, Mad Dog 20/20 mango flavor was actually starting to sound pretty good. But while looking at the label I began to think it looked awfully similar to the not so bad Underwood Cellars. Then I did a little sleuthing and found out that they are both owned by Union Wine Company. Way to fuck up and be super inconsistent, geniuses. They are probably using the same fucking grapes it is just one dude sucks and the other is not so bad. Get new dudes at Kings Ridge. They can obviously do better. 1 out of 5. Don’t drink this trash.

Scott Paul – 2006 La Paulee

Today we sip on another fine Willamette Valley pinot noir from the good fellows at Scott Paul. La Paulee is a mixture of grapes from four different blocks of four different estates. Each block has its own micro climate and particular taste. Unless you are shelling out $75+ a bottle you will be tasting the combination of multiple vineyards, and not a particular block of a vineyard. In any case, everything about this wine points in the right direction. The nose is full and the first sip is as smooth as a duck pissing on ice. The afternote does conflict a little with the lingering taste of toothpaste in the morning but that is only to be expected. At $30 a bottle this definitely passes the test. Drink it.

Underwood Cellars – 2007 Pinot Noir

Now I know I am bending the traditional rules here as this is just an “Oregon” pinot noir and not a specific “Willamette Valley” pinot noir. Underwood Cellars, however, pulls off a fucking fantastic Oregon pinot noir. The berry flavor hits your palate at full speed and then retreats in a wonderfully subdued afternote. This wine is the brain child of a former Rex Hill employee so naturally you can expect good things. At $13 this bottle is a steal of a deal and will be sure to impress the ladies. I give it a 4 out of 5 but only because it is not a true “Willamette Valley” pinot. Drink it.

Patricia Green Cellars

I have decided to start reviewing beer and wine from my beloved state of Oregon and the surrounding areas in addition to cooking crappy food. The Pacific Northwest is a booze mecca. From IPA’s to pinot noir, we got it covered. So without further adieu, let’s begin:

Patricia Green Cellars makes some fantastic pinot noir so I was excited to see their most recent Willamette Valley release for the common man (i.e. under $15). Too bad it failed worse than your mom’s child rearing skills. It tastes like someone dumped in kosher salt and shook it around for a while. I don’t think there is a snooty wine term for that but it sure didn’t have ‘drinkability.’ I accidentally left the bottle open for about 8 hours and it actually tasted much better but it still sucked. You will NOT score any points by bringing over this bottle. In fact people will probably laugh at you. Overall this wine is fucking gross and I give it a 1.5 out of 5. Sorry Patricia Green Cellars, but I have seen much better work out of you. Don’t drink it.

Willamette Valley Pinot Noir

“What? Are we going to make a Pinot Noir.” Don’t be stupid. We leave that up to UC Davis students around here. This is an instructional guide on how to look like a know-it-all (opposed to a dumbass) when it comes to Willamette Valley Pinot Noir. Your lady will be so impressed with your posturing she will fall into your arms and whisper “do with me what you will.”

Only buy wine that says “Willamette Valley.” If it just says “Oregon” it is fool’s wine; Don’t buy it. Pour into a 750ml pinot glass as seen above. “Wait a minute. I was at a winery the other day and that is NOT an Oregon pinot glass.” Okay, there is a specific Oregon pinot glass and it is a slight variation on this one but who really gives a fuck. This is a motherfucking pinot glass and it is fucking acceptable so stop your bitching you pretentious ass.

Before you take a sip swirl the glass around while holding the bottom (it makes it look classier). This opens up the wine and yada yada yada the ladies are impressed. Practice at home alone before trying in public.

Now sniff the wine like a total douche. Be sure to have a smug look on your face. Comment on the intensity of the “tannins.” No one knows what the fuck “tannins” are so everyone is impressed when you can pinpoint them by smell alone. Finally taste the wine. Mention the “cigar box” flavor and how you are rolling it over every part of your tongue to get the full flavor experience. Do not chug or put in beer bong. Ladies are NOT impressed by that. Finally don’t forget to mention that Willamette Valley Pinot Noir is fucking expensive and by the way you owe me $15 for that glass.