Bacon Wrapped Jalapeno Poppers

Well it is time for breakfast again and I am mulling over my options: bacon, eggs, cheese, english muffin. Looks like another crappy breakfast sandwich. Wait! I have a bunch of large jalapenos! Someone was just commenting the other day on jalapenos and now my mouth is watering. How could I pass up the opportunity to make some motherfucking poppers for breakfast? Let’s begin:

Start by cutting your jalapenos in half. De-seed and de-rib them using a paring knife. Cut thick strips of cheddar and use them to re-attach the two halves. Tightly wrap with bacon to ensure no cheese will leak out. I know it is tempting but do not attempt to eat the bacon raw.

Cook at 400 deg for 30 minutes and there you have it. Another kick ass bacon wrapped breakfast. Eat it.

Bacon Brownies

Don’t say you didn’t see it coming from a mile away. Did you really think I would pass up on this opportunity? Once again bacon has turned an ordinary, dessert into a well rounded meal. “You are one sick bastard.” I think the person who did not think of the bacon brownies is the sick one. That would be you, fucker. To continue after being rudely interrupted, when I made bacon cookies there was not that bacon hit in every bite. This time I decided not to break it up so finely so you would really be able to taste the bacon. Plus I added extra bacon. To make these you just make your brownie batter and add eight strips of thick cut bacon. Be sure to break it into pieces dumbass. Eat it.

Pork Explosion Quiche

Well I have leftover pork, bacon, and cheddar cheese; Time to make a motherfucking quiche. “What the fuck? You always make quiches. Quiches suck.” I am going to pretend you didn’t say that so I don’t do anything I will regret or that will land me in prison. Quiches are the best breakfast in the history of breakfasts so don’t fucking tell me that quiches suck. I am sorry your life is so depressing you have to take it out on breakfast dishes. Not really, loser. Let’s begin:

Make a pie crust, pork loin, and bacon. Line the bottom of the pie crust with grated cheddar cheese, add your meat, and top with more cheese. Pour in nine whisked eggs. I don’t do that Frenchie poofter bullshit with all the cream and crap. I just pour eggs over meat and cheese, America style. Suck it France.

Give your pathetically patient dog some pork before his head explodes.

375 deg and 40ish minutes later you got yourself one sexy beast; It is like an omelet and a pie crust caught in the bestial act of fornication. Eat it.

The Heart Stopper

This morning I had a bizarre craving for a grilled cheese, but not just any grilled cheese; I wanted the sick and unholy “Heart Stopper.” What is the Heart Stopper you ask? It is a grilled cheese filled to the brim with various pork products. Today I have bacon and salami so this is going to be some good eating. I only wish I had pepperoni too. “You are one sick piece of shit.” Fuck you, you hypocritical dipshit. You know you want it. Let’s begin:
Butter one side of a piece of good quality bread (no Wonder bread jackass) and put it face down in a pan (i.e. butter side down genius). Put down one layer of cheddar cheese and then one layer of salami (use up to eight slices). Oh man this is looking good.

Make bacon. Add another layer of cheese, four strips of bacon, and finally another layer of cheese. Top with another piece of bread. “Still butter side down?” Are you fucking kidding me? Use some damn common sense, assclown.

Grill over medium heat until each side looks like this. Perfect once again. This was one of the best breakfasts I have had in a long time. The spiciness of the salami really complimented my coffee but it was subdued enought that I could still taste the bacon. Eat it.

Moon Pizza

Moon Pizza is an Italian delicacy that only the elite of society are permitted to consume. The peasants must eat their pizza flat, not folded over. If a person violates this law they may be sentenced to death by hanging. Luckily in America we can do whatever the hell we like and right now I am liking me some moon pizza. I decided to empty the fridge into this bad boy so please feel free to do the same. Just about anything will work in a moon pizza. Let’s begin:

Saute some garlic (2-3) and for about a minute and then toss in some spinach (10oz) until wilted, about another minute. Add some sliced red onion and black olives. Set aside. For the filling you can really make fucking anything but be sure to pre-cook the fillings if required (i.e. don’t use raw vegetables unless you want them to come out raw dumbass).

Make a pizza crust but don’t use whole wheat flour. Divide the dough in half and roll out. Line the bottom with salami (not bologna) and top with your filling, chunks of mozzarella (American cheese slices will not work, loser), and another layer of salami. Maybe add one more layer of salami.

Fold the dough over the filling and seal the deal. Cut three vent holes in the top and brush with vegetable oil. “Is that top one supposed to be a burrito or some shit?” No, smart ass. I just fucked it up a little. Only God is perfect all the time. But I bet I can make a better moon pizza than Him.

In a fucking hot ass 500 deg oven cook your moon pizzas on the bottom rack for 13 minutes. Now you and your lady can eat like Italian royalty. Eat it.

Super Easy Grilled Chops

This recipe is so easy even the totally inept dregs of society, such as yourself, are capable of pulling it off with flying colors. No overnight marinades, pan-Asian sauces, or any other bullshit: just good old fashioned pork, America style. “But I like ‘Asian‘ influenced American cuisine.” You disgust me with your lack of culture. Me? I got culture coming out of my ass. Let’s begin:

Take your chops and rub in some salt and pepper. Now lightly cover them in good ol‘ fashioned flour but be sure to shake off any excess. “Can I use whole wheat flour?” What are you, fucking dumb or something? Hell no. Only use regular flour.

Put the chops on a super hot grill over direct heat. Be sure to cover while you are cooking, stupid, or you will end up with two more pieces of charcoal. Cook for about ten minutes per side but this really depends on the thickness of your chops. You kinda have to eyeball it. You do NOT want red pork dummy. If you burned them and they are red in the middle move them to indirect heat and continue cooking with the cover on.

Here is lunch. I could have bought a sandwich from the local hipster boutique food store or, for the same price, I could chomp on some killer chops. Eat it.

BMGT

“What the fuck is a BMGT?” A BMGT, ignoramus, is a BLT with mixed greens instead of lettuce. The traditional iceberg lettuce fucking sucks some serious ass and has zero nutritional value. Mixed greens, on the other hand, are tasty and good for you. Chicks dig healthy shit. Let’s begin:

Choose your bread wisely. Here I have a multi-grain from “Dave’s Killer Bread” which is a bit of an unsettling name as “Dave” is a convicted felon. No joke. So fittingly his bread is of a murderously good nature.

The layering of the BMGT is complex and pre-meditated. Start with your toasted bread and slap on some mayo. No, not on both sides of the slice you fucking idiot. Put down some mixed greens, upon which place two strips of bacon, then two slices of tomato, two more strips of bacon, and finally some more mixed greens. This way your tomato will not make your bread all mushy. Everyone hates mushy bread. Eat it.

Peanut Butter Bacon Overload Cookies

This morning I was trying to decide what to have for breakfast and I just couldn’t make up my mind. “Don’t you always eat bacon?” Yes. Yes I do. But I also wanted something sweet so naturally I decided on some motherfucking peanut butter bacon cookies. It probably had something to do with the fact that I ran out of coffee so I was drinking coke instead. Let’s begin:

The last time I made bacon cookies the baconey flavor was an undertone. Since I am looking for something more ‘in your face,’ I doubled the amount of bacon to eight strips. Well, it was only seven because I ate one while cooking. “Dude, you must weigh like 700lbs. Can you even leave your house?” Surely you jest, you ignorant piece of shit. I am as trim as a tree; A tree that has been trimmed recently. While you, on the other hand, have probably not seen your junk since 1985. Add eight, or seven, strips of bacon to your peanut butter cookie dough. Bake like regular cookies.

Oh sweet Mother of Jesus, this is a breakfast I can get used to. Now where did I put that rum so I can spruce up my coke?

BBQ Chicken, Bacon, and Cheddar Omelette

That’s right. Time to clear the fridge and make an omelette out of leftovers. The omelette is the cornerstone of eggy breakfasts here in America and once again we took something from another culture and perfected it. The French got nothing on us. They probably don’t even have bacon in France. Let’s begin:

Make some bacon but keep the grease going over medium heat. Cut up some leftover chicken and grate some cheese. Do not attempt to grate American cheese slices. Whisk 4 eggs with a little water.

Pour your eggs into the hot bacon grease with a careful ease. Otherwise you will splatter the grease everywhere and burn your dumb ass. It will cook quickly so be ready to lift the pan up if you need to. Cook until the top is not so runny but be careful not to burn it. I don’t even know why I am explaining this to you. There is no way you could ever properly cook an omelette. You just suck that bad.

Fill the omelette with your shit and fold into a half moon. “That looks all burned dude.” It does to the untrained eye but really that is the result of the excessive amount of bacon grease so stop fucking questioning me and fucking eat it.

Bacon Chocolate Chip Cookies

Welcome to heaven my friends. This recipe is a combination of two wonderful foods: bacon and chocolate. It is better than you think. Even your caveman palate will revel in this delectable dessert. Let’s begin:

Make Bacon. Crumble into cookie dough. Do not drool into mixing bowl.

Cook at 375 for 12 min. Bow down to the deliciousness. Eat it.

***Editor’s note: You need to store these in the fridge or else you will end up pissing out your ass.***