Caprese Salad

So in an effort to redeem herself, my lady made this fucking awesome Caprese Salad for me tonight. This has been a regular dish in our home for quite some time and it never fails to please, like your mom. This is the recipe according to my woman:

Cut up one heirloom tomato (i.e. the hippie kind) and an 8oz package of fresh mozzarella cheese into large slices. Layer that shit: 1 tomato slice, 1 mozzarella slice, and some fresh basil. Top with salt and pepper and then a drizzle of balsamic vinegar and some extra virgin olive oil. Cover and fridge it before presenting to the awaiting audience. Serve with sliced, toasted bread if desired. Eat it.

Saturday Breakfast

Since that guest post did not get the most rave reviews, with good right, I decided to bump it off the top post with my breakfast from this morning. My tee time today is not until 2pm so I actually had the opportunity to make breakfast. Usually I just drink coffee on Saturday mornings. This meal is really nothing special but it is sure as fuck better than the Breakfast of Champions. I just pan fried a bunch of shit and dumped in some eggs and topped it with cheese. Now that I think about it this may be a little over your head, loser. Let’s begin:

Take shit that is in your fridge. Throw in pan. Saute. How fucking hard is that? “Not very.” You’re damn right. I used red onion, broccoli, and fake breakfast sausage.

Dump in ~5 eggs whisked with some cold water and sour cream. Do not stir until it has time to form, dumbass. Otherwise your eggs will look like shit.

Once your egg is cooked, top with cheddar cheese, cover, and remove from heat. And there you have it. An easy ass breakfast for you and that chick that didn’t catch the hint and is still hanging around the morning after. Eat it.

Rockstar Zucchini Muffins

Okay dummy, listen up. These muffins are perfect for the ladies as long as you say the right things. Call them the following buzzwords even if they are not entirely accurate: organic, vegetarian, vegan (only use this one if the chick is a psycho because any normal woman would not be turned on by this word.), free range, fat free, and light. If you are able to cram all these into one sentence you will earn the title of Master. Otherwise, drop them casually into your conversation. For example, “Damn those jeans make your butt look big! Good thing these muffins are fat free.” Let’s begin:
In a large bowl combine 3c flour, 3tsp cinnamon, 1tsp salt, 1tsp baking soda, and 1tsp baking powder. Set aside. In a smaller bowl whisk together 3 eggs, 2c sugar, 1c vegetable oil, and 2-3tsp vanilla. Pour into flour mixture and combine. Add 2c of grated zucchini and 1c walnuts. There are two things about zucchinis you need to know. First, do not fucking call them a courgette. This is America, not some loser country like France. Second, they retain a lot of water so after you grate them you have to press out all the water into paper towels.

Bake in a 350 deg oven for 20-25 minutes. And there you have it. Twelve tickets to paradise. “I bet these taste gross.” Fuck you idiot. They are light, fat free, vegetarian muffins made with zucchini from a free range organic local farm. Eat it.

Asparagus, Tofu, and Feta Pizza

I lied. I could not keep well enough away from my kitchen. When the option of ordering versus making a pizza was presented to me I had no choice. I had to make one. Your lazy ass, on the other hand, would not even consider making a pizza. Mostly because your pizzas suck as bad as my photography, loser. Let’s begin:
There are a lot of different flavors going on in this pizza and at first I was concerned it would be too much but of course it turned out perfectly. Start by making your pizza crust. Roast your asparagus with some olive oil, salt and pepper in a 400 deg oven for 5 minutes. For the sauce mix one can of tomato paste with one can of tomato sauce and add some basil, oregano, paprika, minced garlic, and salt. Top pizza with sauce, asparagus, pre-cooked tofu, and feta. You do not need to use the same toppings, dumbass. Just use whatever is in your fridge but be sure to pre-cook the ingredients that need to be pre-cooked (e.g. most vegetables, most meats, etc.).

Cook your pizza in a 450 deg oven for 15 minutes and you have yourself a pizza faster than one can be delivered and it even tastes better than DiGorno. Eat it.

Potato Chips

So today I took a trip to the supermarket and my lady requested “baked” chips. As I stroll down the fat person isle I cannot help but recoil in horror at the prices of bagged chips. Four dollars for a tiny crappy bag of shitty chips? Fuck that. So I got me some potatoes on the cheap and we are going to make our own damn chips. Take that industrial machine! Let’s begin:

Slice up two potatoes with the side of your grater and toss with olive oil and rock salt. At this point you may also season your chips with whatever you like. Old Bay comes to mind.

Okay so not only did I forget to spray the baking sheets down, but I also sliced these potatoes WAY too thin. I fucked up and they sucked ass. I did, however, pitifully attempt to eat ‘the worst chips ever’ in some bizarre ritual of masochistic penance. Unfortunately, cleaning the baking sheets was even worse.

Not being one to succumb to defeat, I started over. You would probably just retreat to your ‘crying corner’ and turn on the waterworks. I, however, learn from my mistakes and become better because of them. This is the trick to learning how to cook. You WILL fuck up. How you deal with it is the true test. This time I sliced them by hand and crossed my fingers they would turn out properly.

So after totally fucking up the last batch of chips, These came out perfect. I remembered to spray the pan and slicing them by hand made all the difference in the world. I baked them in a roasting pan, since my cookie sheets were fucked, for 35 minutes at 375 deg. I also sprayed the shit out of that roasting pan. Looking back on it I should have shelled out the four dollars but at least I know how to make my own chips now. Eat it.

Garlic Spear Pesto and Feta Pizza

Well I still have a shitload of garlic spears and since I don’t have the requisite ingredients to make a creamy garlic soup, I think I will make a pesto out of it and use it as the base of a pizza. Luckily I do have feta cheese in the fridge so that will make a nice topping and pair well with the garlic. Too bad you don’t have any of the above ingredients, loser. Let’s begin:

Start by making your pesto. Chop up your garlic spears into chunks and process the shit out of them. Scrape the sides of your processor with a rubber spatula. Add 3/4c Parmesan cheese and combine. Finally, add 1/2 to 3/4c olive oil and mix it up. If you do not have a food processor you are fucked. Don’t even think about doing this by hand. This pesto is real spicy when fresh but when you cook it (as we are about to do), it becomes much milder. I would highly suggest making this pesto and tossing it with some cooked pasta for a nice peppery dish.

Make a pizza crust and put it on a pizza stone. Spread out your awesome pesto and smother the pizza with feta cheese. Remember feta does not melt, dumbass, so make sure you cover every inch.

Cook in a 450 deg oven for 15 minutes. There you have it. Another awesome lunch that you wish you had. You are probably eating a hot pocket or some other shit that necessitates a microwave. Eat it.

Portobella Mushroom Burgers II

The last time we made these hippy burgers we tossed them on the grill but what if it is raining outside and you are planning on making these for dinner but you can’t? What will you do? Give up and go to Taco Bell? Push the speed dial number on your phone for Pizza Hut? Starve to death? No, dumbass, we are going to cook them inside on our magical cast iron skillet. Don’t have one? Stop reading and go buy one now. Seriously. Let’s begin:

When you are cooking a portobella don’t think mushroom; Think steak. Prep your portobella by washing lightly and removing as much of the stem as you can. The stem does not cook well so try to gouge it out. Pre-heat your oven to 350 deg. Warm your skillet with some oil to medium heat. Toss on your mushroom, stem side down, for about 10 minutes. “Can I use pre-sliced crimini mushrooms instead? That is all I have.” Don’t toy with me you peon.

After you flip your portobella fill the cavity with feta cheese and anything else you would like. I thought some wilted spinach mixed with the cheese would be a nice filling but alas I ran out of spinach and am too lazy to go to the store. Take the skillet off the burner, place it in the oven and cook for an additional 10 minutes.

And there you have it. Another success story from the Cooking for Assholes kitchen. I bet you wish you were me. I get to eat so much good food and I also have the immense satisfaction of knowing I cooked it. What do you have? Only a pitiful attempt at replicating what I can do in my sleep. Eat it.

Garlic Spears

“What the fuck is a garlic spear?” Your idiotic question tells me you have not been visiting your local farmer’s market. For shame! Although I did not expect that you would have gone on your own accord, I am still disappointed. Find your local farmer’s market and you will be amazed by the wide array of produce you miss out on by shopping at Grocery Outlet. Let’s begin:

Garlic spears are actually the flower tops from elephant garlic. When consumed raw they have a very spicy, pepper-y flavor that grabs you by the balls and tells you to turn your head and cough. Although the taste is almost overwhelming it is a very pleasant burn.

They are very long so cut them in half before you put them in the fucking pan, dumbass. I melted 2tbl of butter and sauteed these bad boys over medium heat for about 5 minutes. The longer you cook your garlic spears the less pepper-y they will be. In retrospect this was a little long because the spiciness became almost non-existent and they ended up tasting more like asparagus or artichoke. I would give it three minutes and then remove them from the pan. Eat it.

Chilles Rellenos Breakfast Casserole

This morning I was mulling over what to have for breakfast. A crappy bagel? Another boring ass egg sandwich? Mexican lasagna? Damn! I started cursing my kitchen for having the worst breakfast options ever. While I was kicking the dishwasher, it hit me; I have leftover poblano peppers I need to use and I also have an assload of cheese. Time to make a fucking chilies rellenos breakfast casserole, bitches! Let’s begin:

Roast, peel, and gut four poblano peppers. If you have not been paying attention (I know you have not been, slacker) click here to find out how to perform this task. Roll up chunks of cheddar in your peppers and place them in a single layer in a deep casserole dish. You know it is deep because it makes stupid comments like “the universe is one giant wavelength and we are all just reverberations so surfs up, Bodie.”

Whisk up five eggs with some cold water and pour over your stuffed peppers. Top with a crapload of grated cheddar cheese. Place in a 350 deg oven, uncovered. After fifteen minutes cover it with aluminum foil and cook for another 25-30 min.

And there you have it. Another masterpiece from an empty kitchen. You probably would have settled for the bagel, loser. Eat it.

Mexican Lasagna

I have been sitting on this Mexican Lasagna recipe for a while because I do not have any faith in your culinary skills. This dish takes over two hours to make and it is a total bitch. At this point, however, we have made just about every part of this dish in different settings so all this should be old hat. Right? You have been following along and cooking all these wonderful dishes I assume? “Yes we have.” Okay then. Let’s begin:

In a small saucepan mix 1 can of whole tomatoes with juice, 3 garlic, 1/2c chopped cilantro, a sprinkle of salt and a sprinkle of sugar. Mush up the tomatoes with a wooden spoon while you simmer the mixture for about 6 minutes. Set aside. Simple enough right?

Oops, I messed up the picture order but fuck you I don’t feel like changing it. So first put 9 poblano peppers under the broiler for about 12 minutes. Turn them halfway through. When broiling be sure to leave the door open a crack, stupids. If you close the door your shit will fry. Also do not sit around like a dumbass waiting for the broiler to pre-heat. It is as hot as it needs to be off the bat. After your chilies have been roasted place them in a bowl and cover with plastic wrap to steam them. Once they are cool enough to handle, skin them and slice them open. Remove stem and seeds as seen above. Set aside.

Next step is to wilt your spinach. Cut the stems off two bunches of spinach. Heat up some oil in a large pot. Toss spinach in for a minute or two until wilted. Set aside.

Time to prepare your cream sauce. Lightly simmer 1c of heavy cream for 10 minutes and then add in 8oz of goat cheese. Stir in completely and remove from heat. Set aside. Note the super cute baby girl in picture. I found her in the park the other day and no one has claimed her yet so I may be stuck with her. *Editor’s Note* – Before an Amber Alert goes out, this is his child.

Fry up six 6″ tortillas in hot oil for 30 sec per side. Stack on a paper towel lined plate.

In a large casserole dish spread some of the tomato mixture on the bottom. Then top with three tortillas. Add a little more tomato mixture and then add one can of black beans (drained and rinsed, idiot).

Layer three poblanos over the black beans and top with spinach and then some cheezy mixture. Layer three more poblanos, the rest of the spinach, and some more cheese.

Layer your final three poblanos, the rest of your tomato mixture, the last three tortillas and the remaining cheezy mixture.

Cover with aluminum foil and bake at 350 deg for 35 minutes. With 12 minutes remaining on the timer, remove the aluminum foil. See! That was not that hard was it? I bet you are wishing you made some black bean burgers right now, huh? Eat it.