Caprese Salad

So in an effort to redeem herself, my lady made this fucking awesome Caprese Salad for me tonight. This has been a regular dish in our home for quite some time and it never fails to please, like your mom. This is the recipe according to my woman:

Cut up one heirloom tomato (i.e. the hippie kind) and an 8oz package of fresh mozzarella cheese into large slices. Layer that shit: 1 tomato slice, 1 mozzarella slice, and some fresh basil. Top with salt and pepper and then a drizzle of balsamic vinegar and some extra virgin olive oil. Cover and fridge it before presenting to the awaiting audience. Serve with sliced, toasted bread if desired. Eat it.

Bacon, Broccoli, and Cheddar Cornbread

So at around ten o’clock last night I got me a hankering for some cornbread. As I reached into the fridge I suddenly realized I had a ton of broccoli that did not have too much time left. What was I to do? Eat a bunch of crappy broccoli and not get my cornbread? Fuck no. We are going to make a jazzed up cornbread that will appear healthy, taste great, and look bizarre. This is the perfect dish to take to your lame ass summer potluck, loser. Let’s begin:

Start by preheating your oven to 400 deg. Roast 2-3c of broccoli florets for five minutes and then pulse the shit of out them in a food processor. Make eight strips of bacon. When finished cooking the bacon, toss a diced shallot into the drippings, stir, and remove from heat. If you do not have a shallot, and you don’t, use 1/2 an onion, preferably red. Grate a shitload of cheddar cheese.

In a large bowl mix 1c flour, 1c yellow cornmeal, and 4tsp baking powder. In a smaller bowl beat 4 eggs and then pour into the cornmeal mixture. You should end up with some crappy looking shit as seen above. But that is okay because the next thing we add is a stick of butter.

Mix in your melted stick of butter, the shallot (including the drippings, don’t be a sissy), the cheddar, and the broccoli. Add them one at a time, genius. Form into the Pyrex with the back of a wooden spoon

Bake at 400 deg for 25 minutes and there you have it. This was actually the fucking shit so I would highly suggest making this for your idiot friends. The only thing I would change is the amount of bacon. We all know which direction that would be. Eat it.

Citrus Pound Cake Muffins

Okay dummy, it has been a while since our last muffin escapade so I figured we are due for some serious muffin action. Today’s choice of dish was inspired by the blackberry compote I made. I desired a little something more in a side than vanilla ice cream so I am hoping these citrus pound cake muffins get the job done. Don’t worry, after the recipe I will provide directions to your nearest supermarket so you can just go buy their shitty ass pound cake, loser. Let’s begin:

In a small bowl mix 1c flour, 1/2tsp baking powder, and 1/4tsp salt. Set Aside. In a larger bowl, mix 1/2c sugar, the zest from one orange, and the zest from 1/2 a lemon. Blend it hardcore style with an electric mixer. Add one stick of softened butter and cream that shit. Now add four eggs, one at a time, and then add the juice from 1/2 an orange, the juice from 1/2 a lemon, and a splash of vanilla. Are you still following this or are you on your way to the supermarket already?Mix in your flour mixture.

Put your batter into a muffin tin. Unfortunately this brainchild of mine only yielded 10 muffins instead of the usual 12. “That is bullshit!” What-the-fuck-ever dude. You want to tweek the recipe to make 12? Be my guest. Until then be happy with your fucking 10 awesome ass muffins. Bake at 350 deg for ~20 min. Eat it.

Bacon Wrapped Jalapeno Poppers

Well it is time for breakfast again and I am mulling over my options: bacon, eggs, cheese, english muffin. Looks like another crappy breakfast sandwich. Wait! I have a bunch of large jalapenos! Someone was just commenting the other day on jalapenos and now my mouth is watering. How could I pass up the opportunity to make some motherfucking poppers for breakfast? Let’s begin:

Start by cutting your jalapenos in half. De-seed and de-rib them using a paring knife. Cut thick strips of cheddar and use them to re-attach the two halves. Tightly wrap with bacon to ensure no cheese will leak out. I know it is tempting but do not attempt to eat the bacon raw.

Cook at 400 deg for 30 minutes and there you have it. Another kick ass bacon wrapped breakfast. Eat it.

Potato Chips

So today I took a trip to the supermarket and my lady requested “baked” chips. As I stroll down the fat person isle I cannot help but recoil in horror at the prices of bagged chips. Four dollars for a tiny crappy bag of shitty chips? Fuck that. So I got me some potatoes on the cheap and we are going to make our own damn chips. Take that industrial machine! Let’s begin:

Slice up two potatoes with the side of your grater and toss with olive oil and rock salt. At this point you may also season your chips with whatever you like. Old Bay comes to mind.

Okay so not only did I forget to spray the baking sheets down, but I also sliced these potatoes WAY too thin. I fucked up and they sucked ass. I did, however, pitifully attempt to eat ‘the worst chips ever’ in some bizarre ritual of masochistic penance. Unfortunately, cleaning the baking sheets was even worse.

Not being one to succumb to defeat, I started over. You would probably just retreat to your ‘crying corner’ and turn on the waterworks. I, however, learn from my mistakes and become better because of them. This is the trick to learning how to cook. You WILL fuck up. How you deal with it is the true test. This time I sliced them by hand and crossed my fingers they would turn out properly.

So after totally fucking up the last batch of chips, These came out perfect. I remembered to spray the pan and slicing them by hand made all the difference in the world. I baked them in a roasting pan, since my cookie sheets were fucked, for 35 minutes at 375 deg. I also sprayed the shit out of that roasting pan. Looking back on it I should have shelled out the four dollars but at least I know how to make my own chips now. Eat it.

Garlic Spears

“What the fuck is a garlic spear?” Your idiotic question tells me you have not been visiting your local farmer’s market. For shame! Although I did not expect that you would have gone on your own accord, I am still disappointed. Find your local farmer’s market and you will be amazed by the wide array of produce you miss out on by shopping at Grocery Outlet. Let’s begin:

Garlic spears are actually the flower tops from elephant garlic. When consumed raw they have a very spicy, pepper-y flavor that grabs you by the balls and tells you to turn your head and cough. Although the taste is almost overwhelming it is a very pleasant burn.

They are very long so cut them in half before you put them in the fucking pan, dumbass. I melted 2tbl of butter and sauteed these bad boys over medium heat for about 5 minutes. The longer you cook your garlic spears the less pepper-y they will be. In retrospect this was a little long because the spiciness became almost non-existent and they ended up tasting more like asparagus or artichoke. I would give it three minutes and then remove them from the pan. Eat it.

Horseradish – Mint Sauce

I once again purchased a lamb steak for dinner and I need an accompaniment. “What the fuck is up with you and lamb?” Well, dumbass, the local market sells fresh (never frozen) lamb steaks from a farm in Riddle, Oregon for $3.99 per lb. Why do I bother telling you this? Because, stupid, you need to find out what meats are local to you and buy them. Odds are they will be cheaper and they will definitely be awesomer. When you buy nice cuts of red meat, however, it is best to cook them with only salt and pepper and serve them with a condiment. This is that condiment. Let’s begin:

Get a small bowl and toss in about 1/2c of sour cream. Add 1tsp to 1tbl of horseradish, depending on how big of a sissy you are, 1 tbl Dijon mustard and one minced clove of garlic. Finely chop up 2-3 tbl fresh mint, not the candied shit genius, add it to your mixture, and stir it all around. Taste it to see if you would like to add more mint or horseradish. Take this step slowly. You can always add more, but you can’t take any out. This sauce also worked out real well as a condiment for salmon burgers. The heat of the horseradish is mellowed by the mint: perfect for a nice summer evening. Eat it.

Roasted Brussels Sprouts

These little guys were invented in Brussels, a small country in Eastern Europe, during the Soviet takeover when food became scarce. Under commie rule there is never enough food for anyone but the elite so the locals had to resort to eating this crappy little sprout. After a few years they figured out that if you roast them they don’t taste like a dirty old shoe. This preferred method of preparation is a well guarded secret so you are fucking lucky I feel like sharing it with you. Let’s begin:

Chop off the bottom of your sprouts, remove the outer leaves and rinse them off. If you do not perform this necessary step, your sprouts will taste like total shit. Trust me. Next we use the age-old technique of “shake and bake.” This step is particularly fun because you get to be incredibly wasteful which contributes to the rapid acceleration of this world’s trip to hell in a handbasket. It is always gratifying to be a part of something larger than yourself. Get out a disposable, one-time use Ziplock bag and dump in some olive oil, kosher salt, and pepper. Shake it like an uppity hooker.

Spread your shit out on a baking sheet. Take a head of garlic and separate it into cloves but do not unpeel them. Spread them out on the baking sheet. This is where my version diverges from the commie one because garlic is illegal under commie rule. I don’t know why. It probably has to do with individuals breaking away from a whole or some other metaphorical bullshit like that.

Okay now I know this looks like a total fucking mess but really this is exactly what you want your shit to look like. Cook at 400 deg for 40 min. Every 7ish minutes give the sheet a good shake so the sprouts and garlic roll around and cook evenly. They will be crispy, not mushy, and have a deep nutty character, like your mom. Eat it.

Chipotle Corn Guacamole

Guacamole was invented by the Russians while they were setting up bases in Mexico during the cold war. They thought avocado by itself was too rich so they mushed it up and combined it with other foods and dipped their chips in it. It became an overnight sensation in Mexico and then it jumped the border fence to America in the dead of night. Before we knew it, guacamole was everywhere. It had invaded the homes and workplaces of all red-blooded Americans. Some people started boycotting guacamole and touting it as ‘un-American’ but not me. I love me some guacamole. Let’s begin:
Start by mixing up three diced chipotle peppers with a little sour cream and set aside. These pictures are for you “Rockman.”

Mash up an avocado and add corn, tomato (make sure to gut it dumbass), onion, and some cilantro. I am not going to provide measurements for your stupid ass because you should use this recipe to refine your eyeballing skills and the good Lord knows you need some practice.

Add your chipotle sour cream and you have a disgusting brown mess on your hands. But that’s okay because it tastes fucking fantastic. It will also mask any oxidation that the avocado will undergo. And you thought I fucked up. Eat it.

Buffalo Blue Balls

These buffalo blue balls were a key menu item at a bar I used to work at but those idiots used beef. With buffalo, the succulent juices rush forth as you plunge these savory salty balls into your mouth. Once you get a taste you only want more. There is no denying the sheer power and virility of the buffalo blue balls. Let’s begin:

Buffalo meat works perfectly for this dish because it is so freaking lean. You can use beef but make sure you get 10% or less otherwise you will fuck it all up. Pure meat and blue cheese is the name of this game. Cup your hand and put a little meat in it. Fill it with blue cheese. Cover it with another piece of meat and roll into a ball. Place on baking sheet. If you cannot accomplish this simple task, I would give up on life.

Bake at 350 deg for 25 min. Sprinkle with more blue cheese. Serve with the fish tacos. Eat it.