Brewery De Ranke – Bitter XX Belgian Golden Ale

I have had my eye on this temptress for a long ass time and I finally mustered up the courage and the thirteen dollars to make it mine. As soon as I cracked open the bottle my nose was overwhelmed by a wondrous floral aroma. My hand shook violently as I poured it into the proper receptacle. It seductively whispered in my ear, “don’t you dare take a sip of me without touching me all over.” This beer demands foreplay. It demands respect. It desires to be fully consumed in a rough but yet gentle manner. This brew is only for major league players, not amateurs like yourselves. You could never fully appreciate a beer of this caliber so do not waste your time. Only the masters may sip from the chalice of the Gods. 5 out of 5. You can’t handle it.

Meantime Brewing Company – India Pale Ale

I found this corked bottle of IPA at my local beer store and I was immediately drawn to it. Meantime Brewing Company is located across the pond in England and it claims to brew ‘traditional’ IPAs, whatever the fuck that means. I have put off purchasing it for a while due to its high price but today I have reason to celebrate. After popping the cork and pouring out a glass, I put it up to my lips, inhaled through my nose, and gulped. My first response was “Oh sweet Jesus this sucks, ” but I quickly realized I needed to let it breath. It was the over carbonation that took me by surprise. Once the bubbles settled and the brew was closer to room temperature, the full flavors appeared and shocked the shit out of me. Maybe it was the citrus notes that got me. Maybe it was the bitterness. Who cares? I fucking loved this beer. See it? Buy it. 5 out of 5. Drink it.

Brauerei Pinkus Muller – Organic Hefeweizen

This German Hefeweizen is obviously an authentic hefe but it has an incredibly foul aftertaste. This shitty beer is almost as bad as Widmer’s hefe (that was harsh…sorry Pinkus). They have a whole line of organic brews that are imported by Merchant du Vin from Tukwila, WA. They should focus less on being organic and more on brewing good beer. It is a sad day for Germany when the El Jefe from Hales Ales in Seattle, Washington blows their hefe away. If they read this they would probably cry harder than when the Berlin Wall was erected. Lucky for them their pilsner was freaking awesome so at least they have that going for them. But when it comes to the hefe, stick with El Jefe. 3 out of 5. Don’t drink it.

North Coast Brewing – Scrimshaw Pilsner

You may know North Coast Brewing from such beers as Old Rasputin and Red Seal but today we are drinking the Scrimshaw Pilsner. “What is a scrimshaw?” I have no fucking clue. But after a quick wikipedia search, it turns out a scrimshaw is an engraved whale tooth or bone. This makes sense because that is what is on the bottle. Now we can both feel stupid together. In any case this beer is good, I guess. It is nothing special, just another pilsner. If you cannot tell I am pretty ambivalent about this brew. I would definitely drink the Bayern Pilsener over the North Coast Scrimshaw, but Scrimshaw is a pretty good beer nonetheless. 3.5 out of 5. Drink it, I guess.

Elysian Brewing – Immortal IPA

So I took this picture a while ago but my lady absconded with the beer and consumed it all so I could not review it in good faith. Recently, however, I was at the market picking up some beers to brown-bag in the park and I grabbed this one off the shelf. I love Elysian and I think they make some incredible beers but I was shocked when I read the new label. It says the beer was brewed by New Belgium Brewing for Elysian. What the fuck? At first I thought New Belgium Brewing purchased Elysian but it turns out they are still separate entities. They are just involved in a collaborative effort: Elysian can brew at a huge facility in Colorado and New Belgium can brew small test batches in Seattle. What a great idea; Such mutualism renews my faith in humanity. In any case, this beer has the exact color and clarity I look for in an IPA. The taste isn’t bad either. All around great brew. 4.5 out of 5. Drink it.

Brasserie d’Achouffe – La Chouffe

La Chouffe, a fantastic Belgian brew, can be found in many specialty stores nowadays. If you are unfamiliar with Belgian beers, and you probably are, this beer is a great introduction. It is a golden ale with a sweet nose but once it ripples into your mouth it takes a sharp turn and the spices become fully apparent. “Why did you pour it into a wine glass, dumbass?” Your ignorance is astounding. To appreciate the full aroma of Belgian beers, they must be poured into a specialty wide-mouthed glass. If you do not have said glass, you may pour it into a red wine glass but you will lose major culture points. In fact, if someone poured me a Belgian in a wine glass I would throw it in their stupid face. In any case, La Chouffe is a brilliant brew and I would suggest it to anyone interested in trying new things. 4.5 out of 5. Drink it.

Old Lompoc – Lompoc Special Draft

This LSD may be a dark, thick, malty ale that stops just short of the porter/stout category, but it has some serious sparkle that gives it a colorful complexion. The good vibes that reverberate from the bottle are so strong you can hear them. This brew shocks and awes the most seasoned veteran while consuming the mind and turning everything upside down. You will never think the same again. Barkeep! I will take another pint of LSD, please. 4.5 out of 5. Drink it.

Stone Brewing – Smoked Porter

You may already know Stone Brewing because of their wildly popular Arrogant Bastard Ale. Although Arrogant Bastard’s call is as strong as the Sirens, Stone’s best beer is their Smoked Porter. The first sip that rolls across your lips is as deceiving as a transvestite hooker but just as pleasurable. You get a strong, full bodied Porter and out of nowhere it transforms into a subtle smokey flavor reminiscent of a Rauchbier. If you listen closely you can hear the brew mockingly declare, “surprise bitches!” Although not for sissies, this beer is just a stones throw from perfect. 4.9 out of 5. Drink it.

Hale’s Ales – El Jefe Weizen Ale

Hale’s Ales is a fantastic brewery in Seattle that focuses on English Ales but unfortunately for us in Portland, the El Jefe is the only readily available brew. That is not to say El Jefe sucks (it doesn’t), but rather that Hale’s has many finer brews. I was up really late one night and caught this cable access show called “Drinking with Daren.” Despite the clever name, this guy Daren was a total fucking douche bag. He got to meet the owner of Hale’s and had the opportunity to ask him all sorts of intelligent questions but alas he could barely form a sentence. It was incredibly awkward to watch the two interact as the owner of Hale’s appeared to be a brilliant individual. Why am I telling you this? Because when Daren tasted the beauty of Hale’s Ales all he could muster was “mmm, good.” Fuck this idiot. What a great idea but horrible execution. In any case this El Jefe is a true weizen and has the authentic taste to it unlike so many other hefeweizens in the Pacific Northwest. You can tell it is proper because if you put a lemon in it, it would taste like shit. Fruit does not belong in beer. Period. 4.5 out of 5. Drink it.

Pyramid Breweries – Thunderhead IPA

Pyramid Breweries have been around for a while but they never really gained any respect amongst serious beer drinkers. In an effort to up their sales, Pyramid changed their labels and added a few new recipes. I would suggest dropping the Apricot Ale fuckheads. Apricot does not belong in a fucking beer. I was in Ohio for a minute and of course I hit up a bar. They had Magic Hat on tap, which is from Vermont, and I thought I would give it a shot. Turns out it was an Apricot Ale. I cursed the bartender and made them dump it out and serve me another fucking beer. What a bunch of assholes. But I digress. Thunderhead IPA is surprisingly good with a nice bright color but a questionable body, like a reverse butterface. I applaud your new brew, Pyramid. Just drop the fucking Apricot Ale from your line. Please. 3.5 out of 5. Drink it.