Pork Explosion Quiche

Well I have leftover pork, bacon, and cheddar cheese; Time to make a motherfucking quiche. “What the fuck? You always make quiches. Quiches suck.” I am going to pretend you didn’t say that so I don’t do anything I will regret or that will land me in prison. Quiches are the best breakfast in the history of breakfasts so don’t fucking tell me that quiches suck. I am sorry your life is so depressing you have to take it out on breakfast dishes. Not really, loser. Let’s begin:

Make a pie crust, pork loin, and bacon. Line the bottom of the pie crust with grated cheddar cheese, add your meat, and top with more cheese. Pour in nine whisked eggs. I don’t do that Frenchie poofter bullshit with all the cream and crap. I just pour eggs over meat and cheese, America style. Suck it France.

Give your pathetically patient dog some pork before his head explodes.

375 deg and 40ish minutes later you got yourself one sexy beast; It is like an omelet and a pie crust caught in the bestial act of fornication. Eat it.

Broccoli and Red Pepper Quiche

So I will be the first to admit that this post is ALMOST a repeat. The only real difference is red pepper but who really gives a shit? My point will be, however, to ram into your dumb thick skull just how easy it is to make a Sunday brunch quiche with crap you have around the house. Turn off your ‘Thundercats’ DVD and fucking do it. It really is not that hard. Let’s begin:

Make your pie crust. Spread grated cheddar cheese on the bottom of the pie crust. Then add your roasted broccoli and make sure the florets are head up (just copy the fucking picture genius). “Roasted broccoli?” Oh yeah, by this point you should have already roasted some broccoli with some garlic, kosher salt, and pepper at 400 deg for five minutes. You didn’t do this? Whoa, way to fuck up. Throw everything away and start over. That sucks.

Beat eight eggs with a little water and some salt and pepper. Pour over evenly. Top with sliced red pepper. There you have it. How fucking hard was that? Not very. You don’t even have to use the shit I did here. Think what you would like in an eggy concoction and fucking add it: bacon, steak, asparagus, spinach, smoked salmon, etc. Seriously it does not take a rocket surgeon to figure this shit out. Just make sure you partially cook your additions Einstein.

375 deg and 45ish minutes later you have yourself a delicious breakfast. Beats cold corn flakes doesn’t it? That is what I thought. Eat it.

Feta, Red Pepper, and Spinach Quiche

“What the fuck is feta?” Someone call the Guinness Book of World Records because you actually have a good question. It is this weird cheese that the ladies (and Greek shipping heirs) use for all sorts of crap, especially cucumber salads. Think about the last time you had a gyro (gi-row) sandwich. It probably had feta in it; I think. It comes from a sheep or a goat or a yak; I can’t remember. Anyway your lady is sure to have it somewhere around the house. Check the refrigerator first. Let’s begin:

Make your standard crust and layer the bottom with 2/3c of that crazy feta cheese. In a small saucepan lightly saute 1 sliced red pepper for about a minute and then toss in 2c (or 5oz) spinach for one more minute and then remove from heat. Be sure to de-stem and wash the spinach dummy. Evenly spread this crap over the feta. Don’t be afraid to move it around with your hands. “Well your pie looks a little uneven.” I didn’t realize this picture was three dimensional. Really? You can see below the spinach where there is more red pepper? Dickhead.

Now whisk 6 eggs and a little milk with some salt and pepper. Pour evenly over the pie and give it a little shake to help the eggs settle. Shake it horizontally stupid: not vertically.

Bake at 375 deg until done. With a quiche you just got to watch it after about 30 min and once it puffs up and you cannot see anymore raw egg, guess what, it’s done. Cool, slice and enjoy the fruits of your labor.

Broccoli, Red Onion, and Cheddar Quiche

It is Sunday morning and it is time to make another quiche. Don’t be intimidated you big baby. Quiches are fucking easy as shit and I have total faith that you will be able to pull it off. Well, not really I just said that to make you feel better, loser. You couldn’t make stink on a monkey. But you should at least try. Your effort alone will work better than that spanish fly you bought at 7-11. That being said, let’s begin:

Start by making a pie crust, plate it, and toss it in the fridge while you prep the filling. In a large bowl toss some broccoli with salt, pepper, vegetable oil, and 2 minced cloves of garlic. Spread on a baking sheet and roast at 400 deg for 5 min. While the broccoli is cooking, grate some cheddar cheese and finely slice some red onion. When you have pulled out the broccoli and it has cooled completely whisk together 9 eggs with some milk and salt and pepper. Don’t try to use any other spices. Your ingenuity will prove to be a complete and utter disaster. I hate to say it, but not even Old Bay will work here (gasp!).

Spread most of the cheese on the bottom and layer the red onion slices on top of the cheese. Plop down the broccoli floret side up (i.e. fuzzy side up prodigy).

Pour the egg-y mixture evenly into the pie and top with the rest of the cheese. Don’t worry if the egg looks a little shallow. It will rise. That’s what eggs do when cooked. Think scrambled eggs. Damn you really have a problem visualizing shit don’t you? It gets really tiresome trying to explain this shit to a completely helpless individual such as yourself. Just so you know.

375 deg and ~40 min later you got yourself a slammin’ pie. “Wow that quiche looks really ugly.” You fucking dick…Okay so even the stones throw from perfect cooks like me screw shit up sometimes. But once again only God is perfect. That is why his name is God. But at least it will taste awesome. A little hint if you fuck it up like this: don’t let your lady see the whole pie. Hide it while it is cooling and when it has properly cooled cut out a piece and deliver it to your lady. The individual piece will be flawless. DFWTM.

Asparagus and Cheddar Cheese Quiche

You probably thought it was spelled Keesh.

It’s not, dummy.

But now even you can make one with this simple recipe.

Your lady will love your sad attempt at making Sunday brunch.

The first step is to roast the asparagus. Chicks love asparagus. DO NOT cook the asparagus any other way and only use FRESH asparagus. To do otherwise would be a grave mistake…but do what you want I don’t give a shit but at least don’t be stupid and forget to break the ends off and rinse. Place eight stems on a cookie sheet or roasting pan and drizzle with vegetable oil and salt and pepper them. 375 deg. for 10 min.

Use about that much cheese. You can also use swiss but you will probably use american cheese slices you sick fuck. Also I use soy milk because regular milk is foul. If I wanted cow milk I would be willing to suck on an udder and I am not going to do anything like that anytime soon…with a cow. But use milk if you want…sicko.

Spread most of the cheese on the bottom of the pie crust (see other post on how to make crust).
Cut the bottoms off the asparagus and spread over the cheese as shown. Whisk seven eggs together with a little milk (1/4c –ish). Pour most of the mixture evenly into the pie. Give it a jiggle so the egg can sink to the bottom.

Arrange the asparagus tips in a decorative fashion and sprinkle with the remaining cheese.
Pour remaining eggs over top. Bake at 375 deg for 35-40 min. It will puff up a little bit but don’t fret you little baby. It will deflate after cooling.