Sauce for Blackened Catfish

I made some blackened catfish again last night but I wanted a nice sauce to chill the burn. I did not have too much on hand so I had to improvise a little. This will be another lesson from the series “what the fuck is in my kitchen?” Since you are too stupid to think for yourself, you can just follow my lead. Let’s begin:

To make the sauce, mix ~1/3c mayonnaise with ~1/4c sour cream. Add juice from 1/2 of a lemon, a few dashes of Tabasco and two finely chopped pickles. Taste it. What does it need, genius. More lemon juice? More Tabasco? More pickles? Add whatever you think it needs. This is a good lesson for how to make your own shit and not have to rely on assholes like me. But I have such faith that you will still continue to fuck shit up that I will never become obsolete. You are my job security, dumbass. Also chop up some fresh garlic spears and sprinkle on the fish as seen above. Eat it.

Horseradish – Mint Sauce

I once again purchased a lamb steak for dinner and I need an accompaniment. “What the fuck is up with you and lamb?” Well, dumbass, the local market sells fresh (never frozen) lamb steaks from a farm in Riddle, Oregon for $3.99 per lb. Why do I bother telling you this? Because, stupid, you need to find out what meats are local to you and buy them. Odds are they will be cheaper and they will definitely be awesomer. When you buy nice cuts of red meat, however, it is best to cook them with only salt and pepper and serve them with a condiment. This is that condiment. Let’s begin:

Get a small bowl and toss in about 1/2c of sour cream. Add 1tsp to 1tbl of horseradish, depending on how big of a sissy you are, 1 tbl Dijon mustard and one minced clove of garlic. Finely chop up 2-3 tbl fresh mint, not the candied shit genius, add it to your mixture, and stir it all around. Taste it to see if you would like to add more mint or horseradish. Take this step slowly. You can always add more, but you can’t take any out. This sauce also worked out real well as a condiment for salmon burgers. The heat of the horseradish is mellowed by the mint: perfect for a nice summer evening. Eat it.

Fuck All of You!

I just shot the best fucking round of golf ever with my incredible God given talent! If you must know, I came into the clubhouse with a killer net 59. For those of you who don’t know dick about golf, that means I am the bomb. Fuck all you! I am the shit! This also means I am taking an emergency visit to Jack-in-the-Box so no recipes for your sorry ass. Suck it.

Steak Fries

No dumbass, these are not fry shaped pieces of steak, but rather mammoth slices of potato. They are the perfect accompaniment to the homemade, grill-flamed burger. Oh who am I fooling? I can’t fake it any longer. It is late, I am tired, so let’s make this easy on both of us and just plow through this shit and get it over with. Let’s begin:

Wash your potatoes and cut them into eight slices. Toss with oil and salt. You also might want to throw in some Old Bay if you feel like it. On the other hand you can go southwestern and use chili powder and cumin. But whatever, I don’t give a shit what you do. Just don’t blame me when you fuck it all up.

Bake at 450 deg for 20 min on each side, totaling 40 min genius. Salt and pepper. These are far superior to most all other fries because they are actually good for you. Well, at least they are not fried. Don’t forget chicks dig healthy shit. Eat it.

Porcini Mustard

While reading the latest issue of Gourmet in the waiting room of my psychiatrist, I came across this wonderful recipe for porcini mustard. For you morons who have no idea what the hell a porcini is, it is a mushroom. It was intended to be used as a condiment for grilled lamb but it seems very versatile to me. So use it for whatever the fuck you want but it is pricey so make it for the right lady. Don’t waste good mushrooms for no reason. Let’s begin:

Get 2oz of dried porcini mushrooms. Do not get them from that guy you knew in college. Place them in a bowl and pour 2c of really hot water over them and let soak for thirty minutes. Then drain the mushrooms through a sieve and reserve the water. Oh yeah, place a paper towel over the sieve. If you do not have a sieve, and you don’t, use a colander and two paper towels.

Put the reserved liquid in a small saucepan and boil for 15 min to reduce to about 1/4c. Add 2tbl dijon mustard (don’t even think about using the yellow shit asshole!), 1tbl butter, and some freshly ground black pepper for about a minute then remove from heat.

Add your chopped up mushrooms and some flat leaf parsley and there you have it. This is really, really good so go out of your way to make it for a special occasion. Downside? The mushrooms cost $10. Eat it.

Garlic Fire Paste

Also known as harissa, this garlic fire paste is the bomb on meaty goodness. The key is to cook your steak with just salt and pepper and apply the harissa afterwards as a complimentary flavor. “I doubt this is hot enough for me. I love really, really hot stuff.” That’s what she said. “Damn, you got me.” That’s right I did, sucker. A little taste of your own medicine there baby. Anyway this paste will make your face sweat. “That’s what she said.” You fucking suck. Let’s begin:

De-stem and de-seed 1/2c of dried hot red chili peppers. “Can I just use the stuff I put on pizza?” You absolutely cannot. That would be really, really stupid, even for you. Soak the peppers until they are as soft (about 45 min).

In a bowl mix together 7 minced cloves of garlic, 1tsp coriander, 1tsp cumin, and 1/4tsp salt. Dice up your soft ass peppers and mix them in. You can use a mortar and pestle but I just used the backside of a ladle.

Add about a tablespoon of water and you got yourself some garlic fire paste. This stuff is so hot it will take the paint off your car so be forewarned. Knowing your dumbass you will probably test it with a gigantic spoonful and end up in the hopital. Eat it.

Another Lazy Saturday

Today I had another lazy motherfucking Saturday. I played me some golf and then grilled up a large hunk of pork, if you know what I mean. I took this picture of the leftovers this morning so I am thinking about a sweet ass omelet right now. Too bad you don’t have any leftover pork, loser. I used my pork rub recipe but this hunk was about a pound larger. “That’s what she said.” Knock it off dammit. I told you that shit is played. Oddly I found that it took about the same amount of time to cook. I think my fire was a lot warmer this time. Remember to keep your temperature down folks. “So you fucked it up?” No dumbass. Did you see the picture? It was still really fucking good but I am just trying to keep learning so I can perfect it. What about you? That’s right; You got nothing.

Coffee

Oh sweet Jesus here we go again. Do I really have to tell you how to fucking make coffee? I swear to God my next post is going to be titled ‘How to Walk.’ In any case, everyone needs coffee to function and continue living, like water, so you might as well know how to make it. Due to my superior elitism I typically only drink espresso but today I will consume the common man’s drip coffee because I know a peon like yourself does not own an espresso machine. Let’s begin:

Decide how many cups of coffee you would like to drink. Don’t get out the measuring cups you idiot; You can use the coffee pot itself as it has markings on it, genius. Pour into the top of the coffee maker. Make sure the lid is open, jackass.

Time to put the coffee in the filter. I poured in six cups of water so I am going to put in eight heaping tablespoons of coffee. You can adjust this amount any which way you like it for stronger or weaker coffee. Knowing your pansy ass you will probably only need one tablespoon. Only use locally roasted coffee, you cheap bastard.

Turn the damn thing on motherfucker!

And there you have it. “There are grinds in my coffee! What the hell?” Did you use a coffee filter? “No.” Dumbass. I knew you would find a way to fuck it up. Enjoy your shitty coffee retard.

Sweet Potatoes Fucking Blow

This is the one and only time you will see sweet potato on this blog. Why? Because they fucking blow dumbass. They are the illegitimate child of the regular potato and the common diseased streetwalker. The sweet potato has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. It even looks like a punk. “But I like sweet potato. Please tell me how to make it.” Fuck no. If you enjoy the foul nature of this disgusting root you are mentally disturbed and a sick masochist, you freak. If I were grand overlord of the world I would make it my first priority to purge them off the face of our planet. Don’t ever fucking eat this gross shit.

How to Eat an Artichoke

A while back I taught you how to cook an artichoke, but figuring out how to consume it can be just as difficult: for you. So this time you can cook your artichoke and eat it rather than discarding the whole thing because you thought I tricked you into cooking something inedible. Let’s begin:
Start by removing the bottom leaves; Do not eat them. I feel stupid asking you this but did you cook the artichoke? If not, stop now and start steaming, genius.

Now that the bottom leaves have been removed we can start pulling off the mid-leaves and eating them. See how the leaves in the stack have teeth marks and the one on the right does not? Guess how you should eat the leaves dumbass. Make sure to dip the yummy part in mayonnaise or melted butter.

If you have reached this point, congratulations. I am impressed. I really did not think you were capable of such an arduous task. Stop pulling off leaves and rip the top off.

Now you have something that looks like it came out of a sci-fi film. “I hate sci-fi.” Good, me too. Remove and discard all the hairy shit from the base. The top section with the leaves, as well as the hairy shit, is inedible (i.e. do not eat it assclown).

Cut the base into four sections and there you have it. This is what you usually see when artichoke comes on a pizza and crap like that. The heart of the artichoke is the cash money but we had fun eating the leaves right? So now, the next time you go to a fancy dinner you will not make a total ass out of yourself by trying to cut through the artichoke with a steak knife. You are very welcome.