Bacon, Broccoli, and Cheddar Cornbread

So at around ten o’clock last night I got me a hankering for some cornbread. As I reached into the fridge I suddenly realized I had a ton of broccoli that did not have too much time left. What was I to do? Eat a bunch of crappy broccoli and not get my cornbread? Fuck no. We are going to make a jazzed up cornbread that will appear healthy, taste great, and look bizarre. This is the perfect dish to take to your lame ass summer potluck, loser. Let’s begin:

Start by preheating your oven to 400 deg. Roast 2-3c of broccoli florets for five minutes and then pulse the shit of out them in a food processor. Make eight strips of bacon. When finished cooking the bacon, toss a diced shallot into the drippings, stir, and remove from heat. If you do not have a shallot, and you don’t, use 1/2 an onion, preferably red. Grate a shitload of cheddar cheese.

In a large bowl mix 1c flour, 1c yellow cornmeal, and 4tsp baking powder. In a smaller bowl beat 4 eggs and then pour into the cornmeal mixture. You should end up with some crappy looking shit as seen above. But that is okay because the next thing we add is a stick of butter.

Mix in your melted stick of butter, the shallot (including the drippings, don’t be a sissy), the cheddar, and the broccoli. Add them one at a time, genius. Form into the Pyrex with the back of a wooden spoon

Bake at 400 deg for 25 minutes and there you have it. This was actually the fucking shit so I would highly suggest making this for your idiot friends. The only thing I would change is the amount of bacon. We all know which direction that would be. Eat it.

Asparagus, Tofu, and Feta Pizza

I lied. I could not keep well enough away from my kitchen. When the option of ordering versus making a pizza was presented to me I had no choice. I had to make one. Your lazy ass, on the other hand, would not even consider making a pizza. Mostly because your pizzas suck as bad as my photography, loser. Let’s begin:
There are a lot of different flavors going on in this pizza and at first I was concerned it would be too much but of course it turned out perfectly. Start by making your pizza crust. Roast your asparagus with some olive oil, salt and pepper in a 400 deg oven for 5 minutes. For the sauce mix one can of tomato paste with one can of tomato sauce and add some basil, oregano, paprika, minced garlic, and salt. Top pizza with sauce, asparagus, pre-cooked tofu, and feta. You do not need to use the same toppings, dumbass. Just use whatever is in your fridge but be sure to pre-cook the ingredients that need to be pre-cooked (e.g. most vegetables, most meats, etc.).

Cook your pizza in a 450 deg oven for 15 minutes and you have yourself a pizza faster than one can be delivered and it even tastes better than DiGorno. Eat it.

Lemon Roasted Halibut with Broiled Portabello Mushrooms

This dish has a nice fancy name but it is as simple as simple gets, like you. If you cannot make this lovely dinner then you have no business in the kitchen. Then again, you probably fuck up peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. But hopefully this is the recipe all you inept jackasses can actually try and pull off. “That sounds like a challenge.” That’s because it is one, loser. Let’s begin:
Start by prepping your fish. Pour a little olive oil over your fish and rub it down all nice and smooth like an inappropriate massage. Don’t forget to sprinkle it with salt and pepper, dumbass. Place two super large slices of lemon on top and you are ready to go. 450 deg oven for 15 minutes.

Cut one portabello mushroom into thick slices and place on a cookie sheet. Brush with olive oil and salt and pepper them. Broil for 5 minutes. You want the sheet ~3 inches from the burner and be sure to keep the door open a crack. If you do not follow these “suggestions” your meal with be all sorts of fucked.

Put them all together on the plate and there you have it. “Is it me or is this the most fucked up plating I have ever seen.” Fuck you asshole. This is my fucking lunch not some bullshit food network show. You want to learn how to cook? Stay here. You want art? Get the fuck out. Eat it.

Halibut Steaks

In a vain attempt to redeem myself after that uncharacteristic fuck up, I purchased some nice halibut steaks. These are not your average fillets people; They are thick ass fish steaks that are ready for some lovin‘. I was thinking I would just cook them straight with some lemon to experience the full flavor of the fish, but then I thought better of it and dressed them up all nice like. They turned out to be fucking incredible so I would highly suggest making this dish. Let’s begin:
Chop up one small zucchini, or courgette for you pretentious assholes, and saute it with some garlic until it gets softened but still has some firmness. Remove from heat and add one chopped tomato (seeded and gutted, dumbass), 1/2 red onion, a handful of chopped basil (the fresh kind, moron), and some salt and pepper.

Place your halibut steak in a glass baking dish and cover that bad boy with your mixture. Top with feta cheese. “Damn you have been using a lot of feta cheese recently. What the hell?” Well if you must know, it was another freaking Costco purchase. Due to the absurdly large quantities, it is always a race to use it all before it goes bad. So far I am winning. Remember the notion of concept cooking, simpleton? It is all about using what you have on hand.

450 deg and 20 min later (cover with aluminum foil for the last 5 min) you have yourself a fucking awesome main course. This topping was nice and light and surprisingly it did not detract from the natural tastiness of the fish. It is a delicate balance but I perfected it. Eat it.

Garlic Spear Pesto and Feta Pizza

Well I still have a shitload of garlic spears and since I don’t have the requisite ingredients to make a creamy garlic soup, I think I will make a pesto out of it and use it as the base of a pizza. Luckily I do have feta cheese in the fridge so that will make a nice topping and pair well with the garlic. Too bad you don’t have any of the above ingredients, loser. Let’s begin:

Start by making your pesto. Chop up your garlic spears into chunks and process the shit out of them. Scrape the sides of your processor with a rubber spatula. Add 3/4c Parmesan cheese and combine. Finally, add 1/2 to 3/4c olive oil and mix it up. If you do not have a food processor you are fucked. Don’t even think about doing this by hand. This pesto is real spicy when fresh but when you cook it (as we are about to do), it becomes much milder. I would highly suggest making this pesto and tossing it with some cooked pasta for a nice peppery dish.

Make a pizza crust and put it on a pizza stone. Spread out your awesome pesto and smother the pizza with feta cheese. Remember feta does not melt, dumbass, so make sure you cover every inch.

Cook in a 450 deg oven for 15 minutes. There you have it. Another awesome lunch that you wish you had. You are probably eating a hot pocket or some other shit that necessitates a microwave. Eat it.

Portobella Mushroom Burgers II

The last time we made these hippy burgers we tossed them on the grill but what if it is raining outside and you are planning on making these for dinner but you can’t? What will you do? Give up and go to Taco Bell? Push the speed dial number on your phone for Pizza Hut? Starve to death? No, dumbass, we are going to cook them inside on our magical cast iron skillet. Don’t have one? Stop reading and go buy one now. Seriously. Let’s begin:

When you are cooking a portobella don’t think mushroom; Think steak. Prep your portobella by washing lightly and removing as much of the stem as you can. The stem does not cook well so try to gouge it out. Pre-heat your oven to 350 deg. Warm your skillet with some oil to medium heat. Toss on your mushroom, stem side down, for about 10 minutes. “Can I use pre-sliced crimini mushrooms instead? That is all I have.” Don’t toy with me you peon.

After you flip your portobella fill the cavity with feta cheese and anything else you would like. I thought some wilted spinach mixed with the cheese would be a nice filling but alas I ran out of spinach and am too lazy to go to the store. Take the skillet off the burner, place it in the oven and cook for an additional 10 minutes.

And there you have it. Another success story from the Cooking for Assholes kitchen. I bet you wish you were me. I get to eat so much good food and I also have the immense satisfaction of knowing I cooked it. What do you have? Only a pitiful attempt at replicating what I can do in my sleep. Eat it.

Garlic Spears

“What the fuck is a garlic spear?” Your idiotic question tells me you have not been visiting your local farmer’s market. For shame! Although I did not expect that you would have gone on your own accord, I am still disappointed. Find your local farmer’s market and you will be amazed by the wide array of produce you miss out on by shopping at Grocery Outlet. Let’s begin:

Garlic spears are actually the flower tops from elephant garlic. When consumed raw they have a very spicy, pepper-y flavor that grabs you by the balls and tells you to turn your head and cough. Although the taste is almost overwhelming it is a very pleasant burn.

They are very long so cut them in half before you put them in the fucking pan, dumbass. I melted 2tbl of butter and sauteed these bad boys over medium heat for about 5 minutes. The longer you cook your garlic spears the less pepper-y they will be. In retrospect this was a little long because the spiciness became almost non-existent and they ended up tasting more like asparagus or artichoke. I would give it three minutes and then remove them from the pan. Eat it.

Horseradish – Mint Sauce

I once again purchased a lamb steak for dinner and I need an accompaniment. “What the fuck is up with you and lamb?” Well, dumbass, the local market sells fresh (never frozen) lamb steaks from a farm in Riddle, Oregon for $3.99 per lb. Why do I bother telling you this? Because, stupid, you need to find out what meats are local to you and buy them. Odds are they will be cheaper and they will definitely be awesomer. When you buy nice cuts of red meat, however, it is best to cook them with only salt and pepper and serve them with a condiment. This is that condiment. Let’s begin:

Get a small bowl and toss in about 1/2c of sour cream. Add 1tsp to 1tbl of horseradish, depending on how big of a sissy you are, 1 tbl Dijon mustard and one minced clove of garlic. Finely chop up 2-3 tbl fresh mint, not the candied shit genius, add it to your mixture, and stir it all around. Taste it to see if you would like to add more mint or horseradish. Take this step slowly. You can always add more, but you can’t take any out. This sauce also worked out real well as a condiment for salmon burgers. The heat of the horseradish is mellowed by the mint: perfect for a nice summer evening. Eat it.

Seared Lamb with Porter Mustard

Since my lady is vegetarian and I usually cater to her dietary needs, I figured I would treat myself to a nice Lamb steak. “What marinade did you use? Did you rub it down with spices? Did you slice it up and put it in a Mexican dish?” All of these questions are flat out stupid. Why? Because to defile a beautiful steak in any of the aforementioned manners would be complete and utter blasphemy. A nice steak should only be prepared with salt and pepper but it can, however, be accompanied by a myriad of condiments. Today I decided to make a nice porter mustard sauce. Let’s begin:

Start by whipping up your fine accompaniment. In a small bowl, toss in some Dijon mustard, a little porter or stout (I used Stone’s Smoked Porter), and a hefty pinch of brown sugar. If your sauce is too thick, add more porter. If your sauce is too thin, add more mustard. Not rocket surgery here people.

Cook your lamb like a beef steak. Sear for five minutes flip and put in the oven for another five. Make sure your pan is designed for oven use, dumbass. You want your steak bloody. Overcooked lamb sucks ass.

And there you have it. A beautiful lamb steak with a nice porter mustard on the side. Heaven must be like this. Eat it.

Mexican Lasagna

I have been sitting on this Mexican Lasagna recipe for a while because I do not have any faith in your culinary skills. This dish takes over two hours to make and it is a total bitch. At this point, however, we have made just about every part of this dish in different settings so all this should be old hat. Right? You have been following along and cooking all these wonderful dishes I assume? “Yes we have.” Okay then. Let’s begin:

In a small saucepan mix 1 can of whole tomatoes with juice, 3 garlic, 1/2c chopped cilantro, a sprinkle of salt and a sprinkle of sugar. Mush up the tomatoes with a wooden spoon while you simmer the mixture for about 6 minutes. Set aside. Simple enough right?

Oops, I messed up the picture order but fuck you I don’t feel like changing it. So first put 9 poblano peppers under the broiler for about 12 minutes. Turn them halfway through. When broiling be sure to leave the door open a crack, stupids. If you close the door your shit will fry. Also do not sit around like a dumbass waiting for the broiler to pre-heat. It is as hot as it needs to be off the bat. After your chilies have been roasted place them in a bowl and cover with plastic wrap to steam them. Once they are cool enough to handle, skin them and slice them open. Remove stem and seeds as seen above. Set aside.

Next step is to wilt your spinach. Cut the stems off two bunches of spinach. Heat up some oil in a large pot. Toss spinach in for a minute or two until wilted. Set aside.

Time to prepare your cream sauce. Lightly simmer 1c of heavy cream for 10 minutes and then add in 8oz of goat cheese. Stir in completely and remove from heat. Set aside. Note the super cute baby girl in picture. I found her in the park the other day and no one has claimed her yet so I may be stuck with her. *Editor’s Note* – Before an Amber Alert goes out, this is his child.

Fry up six 6″ tortillas in hot oil for 30 sec per side. Stack on a paper towel lined plate.

In a large casserole dish spread some of the tomato mixture on the bottom. Then top with three tortillas. Add a little more tomato mixture and then add one can of black beans (drained and rinsed, idiot).

Layer three poblanos over the black beans and top with spinach and then some cheezy mixture. Layer three more poblanos, the rest of the spinach, and some more cheese.

Layer your final three poblanos, the rest of your tomato mixture, the last three tortillas and the remaining cheezy mixture.

Cover with aluminum foil and bake at 350 deg for 35 minutes. With 12 minutes remaining on the timer, remove the aluminum foil. See! That was not that hard was it? I bet you are wishing you made some black bean burgers right now, huh? Eat it.