Rockstar Zucchini Muffins

Okay dummy, listen up. These muffins are perfect for the ladies as long as you say the right things. Call them the following buzzwords even if they are not entirely accurate: organic, vegetarian, vegan (only use this one if the chick is a psycho because any normal woman would not be turned on by this word.), free range, fat free, and light. If you are able to cram all these into one sentence you will earn the title of Master. Otherwise, drop them casually into your conversation. For example, “Damn those jeans make your butt look big! Good thing these muffins are fat free.” Let’s begin:
In a large bowl combine 3c flour, 3tsp cinnamon, 1tsp salt, 1tsp baking soda, and 1tsp baking powder. Set aside. In a smaller bowl whisk together 3 eggs, 2c sugar, 1c vegetable oil, and 2-3tsp vanilla. Pour into flour mixture and combine. Add 2c of grated zucchini and 1c walnuts. There are two things about zucchinis you need to know. First, do not fucking call them a courgette. This is America, not some loser country like France. Second, they retain a lot of water so after you grate them you have to press out all the water into paper towels.

Bake in a 350 deg oven for 20-25 minutes. And there you have it. Twelve tickets to paradise. “I bet these taste gross.” Fuck you idiot. They are light, fat free, vegetarian muffins made with zucchini from a free range organic local farm. Eat it.

Citrus Pound Cake Muffins

Okay dummy, it has been a while since our last muffin escapade so I figured we are due for some serious muffin action. Today’s choice of dish was inspired by the blackberry compote I made. I desired a little something more in a side than vanilla ice cream so I am hoping these citrus pound cake muffins get the job done. Don’t worry, after the recipe I will provide directions to your nearest supermarket so you can just go buy their shitty ass pound cake, loser. Let’s begin:

In a small bowl mix 1c flour, 1/2tsp baking powder, and 1/4tsp salt. Set Aside. In a larger bowl, mix 1/2c sugar, the zest from one orange, and the zest from 1/2 a lemon. Blend it hardcore style with an electric mixer. Add one stick of softened butter and cream that shit. Now add four eggs, one at a time, and then add the juice from 1/2 an orange, the juice from 1/2 a lemon, and a splash of vanilla. Are you still following this or are you on your way to the supermarket already?Mix in your flour mixture.

Put your batter into a muffin tin. Unfortunately this brainchild of mine only yielded 10 muffins instead of the usual 12. “That is bullshit!” What-the-fuck-ever dude. You want to tweek the recipe to make 12? Be my guest. Until then be happy with your fucking 10 awesome ass muffins. Bake at 350 deg for ~20 min. Eat it.

Redcoat Muffins

These crusty and difficult breakfast breads originated across the pond in TyrannyLand by some stupid monarch but they were perfected by the Americans. We always make everything better, like french fries. “I am tired of muffins dude.” If you had a brain on your head you would know these are not really muffins; It is just a fucking name dumbass. Let’s begin:
Okay people, roll up your sleeves and put your thinking caps on because this is going to go fast. In a small bowl dissolve two packets of active dry yeast in 1c of hot water. Set aside. Scald 1c milk and pour over…”But how do I…” I said we are going to plow through this fuckjob so fucking shut up and listen. Pour the “warm” milk over 1/4c butter and 2tbl sugar. Combine. Stir in 2c white flour and 1 1/2c whole wheat flour. Now you should have something like the above picture. Knead for while.

Grease that bitch up in a bowl and fully cover for about an hour. “But you don’t have it fully covered in the picture.” Oh my God. I only have it semi-covered for illustrative purposes jackass. Fully cover the damn dough.

Roll it out into a big square over a cornmeal dusted surface. Since I only like the bottoms of english muffins (like your mom), I roll them thin and then stack them so I get two bottoms! You do not have to do this but I would highly recommend it. Cover for another 30min.

Over medium-low heat (like a 3) toast your redcoats for 10ish minutes per side. Cool on a wire rack. To consume, split and toast. Eat it England!

Whole Wheat Muffins

So I tried my best to come up with a ‘healthy’ muffin and this is what I got. It still involves a stick of butter but we want it to have some taste right? “Again with the fucking muffins. Isn’t their some kind of ‘Muffins Anonymous’ you could attend?” First off you used the improper form of ‘there’ which is totally disgraceful you ignoramus. Second there is nothing wrong with muffin loving so kiss my fat muffin ass and get cooking loser. Let’s begin:

Whisk together 1c whole wheat flour, 1/2c white flour, 1/2c oats, 1/2c brown sugar, 3tsp baking powder, and 1/2tsp salt. “What if I don’t have whole wheat flour?” Then what the fuck are you trying to make whole wheat muffins for genius? Damn. In another smaller bowl, whisk together 3/4c milk, 1 egg, and 1tsp vanilla. Fold the wet into the dry and then fold in a stick of melted butter.

For some sick twisted reason my batter only gave me eleven muffins. What kind of cruel joke is the universe trying to play on me? That’s cool though, whatever. I didn’t want it anyway, stupid muffin. I guess I could have made each one a little smaller but fuck that. I like my muffins big style.

Bake at 400 deg for no more than 15 min and you got yourself some ‘healthy’ treats to share with your lady. Make sure she takes them to work so she can make everyone else in the office jealous that their wives (oops I mean significant others) cannot even come close to pulling off these radically delicious muffins.

Strawberry Banana Muffins

These supple muffins are sure to melt in your mouth like a fine pair of breasteses. Their delicate exterior shivers upon contact with your salivated tongue. The meltage factor is through the roof. Maybe that has something to do with the spectacular volume of butter: in both instances. Let’s begin:

In a large bowl whisk together 3c flour, 1tsp baking powder, 1 1/2tsp cinnamon, and 1/2tsp salt. In another large bowl whisk together 4 eggs and set aside. Finely slice up 1 1/2c fresh strawberries and 2 bananas. With an electric mixer…Hey where are you going? Put that box of muffin mix down you lazy sack of crap! This might take a little effort but suck it the fuck up and get back to work. So with an electric mixer combine the eggs with 2c of white sugar until it looks like some bizarre alien goo. Beat in the fruit and then fold the whole thing into the flour mixture. “What about the butter?” Funny you should ask.

Fold in two motherfucking sticks of melted butter. Holy fucking shit this is one salacious item. Damn. Add a cup of walnuts.

Divide evenly into muffin cups. Don’t overfill them jackass. You will have a bunch of batter left over so make some more muffins with it stupid. What the hell were you thinking?

Now that’s a muffin I can wrap my lips around. Be sure to share with your lady for maximum enjoyment.

Jalapeno Cornbread Muffins

These muffins are the perfect accompaniment to the Vegetarian Chili recipe below. They are a double whammy because you bite into them to cool down the chili burn but they bite you back, like that car that ‘turns you on’ when you ‘turn it on.’ “Are you kidding me? ANOTHER muffin?” Yes we are making another muffin dipshit. You could spread this recipe out in some pyrex (glass baking dish ignoramus) OR you could have individual servings in muffin form. This is a no-brainer, at least to me. What about you? Let’s begin:

In large bowl combine 1c cornmeal, 1c flour, 1/2c brown sugar, 2tbl baking powder, 1tsp salt, 2 diced jalapenos and 1/3c canned corn (frozen or fresh will fuck it all up). In a smaller bowl combine 3/4c buttermilk (I bought some especially for this), 2 eggs, and 1/2c sour cream. Fold the wet into the dry. “Fold?” Sigh. With a rubber spatula turn the wet over into the dry repeatedly while turning the bowl at the same time. Don’t forget to breathe. Now fold in 1 sick of melted butter. Seriously, that was not a joke. Do it.

Pour into a sprayed muffin tin and bake at 350 deg for 20 min. Pop them out and place on a cooling rack after about 3 min.

Polynesian Pleasures

These little tarts are sure to tug at the heart strings of your flavor of the week. Crisp on the outside and gooey on the inside they are reminiscent of oneself. Chicks always have ‘dried’ shit around so I am sure you will be able to find dried coconut and pineapple somewhere. Do not try to substitute canned or fresh as you will totally fuck it all up, as usual. Let’s begin:

In a big bowl cream 2 sticks of room temperature butter, 2 tsp vanilla, and 1/2c confectioner’s sugar. Ok dumbass, confectioner’s sugar is the really fine shit that is sometimes called 10x. Like the zucchini is sometimes called a courgette. That really pissed me off when I figured that out and sure enough it’s French.

Dump in 1 3/4c flour and 2tbl cornstarch and mix around manually until you get a dough ball like the one in the picture above. Smack it around a little bit to firm it up.

Take little pieces of the big ball and press into muffin tins. “What’s with the muffin fixation? Why always with the muffins?” Wow, what stupid questions. Muffins are the end all of food evolution. Monkeys in the future will eat muffins.

Drop like 3 or so pineapple preserves in each cup. Top with a whisked mixture of 1/2c sugar (the regular kind now genius), 1 1/2c shredded coconut, and 1 egg. “What’s with the pictures?” Okay jerk face, since I broke my camera a friend let me borrow theirs but it’s from like 1985 and the size of a brick so back on up off it.

350 deg and 25-30 min later you got yourself a tropical paradise in a muffin tin. Remove from the pan after ~5min.

Fucked Up Coffee Cake

I call this fucked up coffee cake because the first time I made this recipe I fucked it up but it ended up being better! Therefore even you can accomplish something sometime since you always fuck everything up, fuck up. The original recipe called for a “jumbo muffin tin.” Who the fuck has a jumbo muffin tin? Not me. You should make these in a regular muffin tin and fold them in on themselves when removed from the oven. These are the perfect send off for your lady as she heads off to her two jobs while you play video games and make shitty food. Let’s begin:

Finely grind 1c brown sugar, 1c flour, 1/2tsp salt, and 1/2-1tsp cinnamon in a food processor. Cut a stick of chilled butter into little pieces and pulse until you get coarse meal. Add a few tbl water until you get something that looks like the picture above. This is NOT the time to fuck up. You really have to have a good eye for this streusel. “Do you ever make anything that doesn’t require a food processor?” I make plenty of other fucking shit asshole. But when I bake shit I use this because it makes it feasible to complete arduous tasks right quick like. Don’t have one? Get one. They have crappy ones for under fifty bucks. Now who feels stupid?

Whisk 1 3/4c flour, 2tsp baking powder, 1tsp baking soda and set aside. With an electric mixer blend 1 stick room temp butter, 1c sour cream, 1c white sugar, 2tsp vanilla. Blend in 2 eggs one at a time. DO NOT taste batter. Trust me. Now slowly beat in the flour a little bit at a time as seen above until the wet and dry are one in the same.

In a greased muffin tin (or you can use those little cuppy things) cover the bottoms with half the dough and then pat them down with half the streusel. As seen above. Make sure to pat down enough room for two more layers. You want the tops to be as flush as possible with the pan.

Here is a picture of what it should look like before it goes in the oven. Fucked up right? It gets worse. “Why is this picture all blurry? What the Hell?” Eat shit dick. Your mom dropped off that kid she calls mine today while she got her fake ass nails, hair, and tan done with her welfare check and the damn kid would not stop screaming so I was in a hurry. Fuck off.

OH SHIT! We fucked up! Good! This is what your shit should look like after 25min in a 350 deg oven. But now is the time for quick action. Grab a fork!

Start folding faster than your mom runs after the ice cream man and you should get something that looks like this. Let them cool entirely in the pan. They will firm up and then you can pop them out like your mom when…

Take that fucked up pan of muffins! Now they have a crispy jacked up top and a perfect bottom, like your butterface of a mom.

Badass Buffins

“What the Hell is a Buffin?!?” A buffin, ignoramus, is a biscuit in muffin form. Everything tastes better in the shape of a muffin. Sure you could make traditional biscuits with this recipe OR you could have a badass buffin: your choice. These are also sweet because unlike every other biscuit recipe they require NO buttermilk. Who the fuck has buttermilk around all the time? No one that’s who. So buttermilk biscuits can kiss my buffin ass. Let’s begin:

In a food processor blend 2c flour, 3tbl baking powder, 1/2tsp baking soda, 1/2tsp salt until they are completely combined. Then toss in 3/4-1c sour cream (this is the buttermilk substitute) and about 1c grated cheddar cheese for flavor (or about 10 slices of american cheese you sick bastard). Give it “on-off turns” until you get coarse meal looking shit. Then add tablespoons of ice cold water followed by “on-off turns” until you get something that looks like this crap above. I think I used 6tbl for this batch.

Form it into a disk and roll it out on a heavily floured surface. I don’t get it; almost all recipes for everything say ‘lightly floured surface.’ That is bullshit. Fuck that. Unless you want your shit to stick to everything and drive you fucking insane, roll it out on a heavily floured surface.

This is the fancy part so don’t fuck it up dumbass. Cut your shit into strips like these up here.

Now cut those strips into sections the size of a muffin tin and put four sections per muffin hole as shown above. Don’t worry about the bottoms; you don’t need to squeeze them together. If you take these fancy steps your lady will be like “Buffins?!? You shouldn’t have! These are SO fucking cool let’s do it right now.” Bam!

450 deg for 10-12 minutes and you got yourself the new fad on the streets so you don’t have to feel like an idiot at parties anymore. Well…maybe not.

Pecan Scones

Well I woke up this morning and the woman I had over last night absconded with ALL my muffins. Didn’t I tell you they love those dried cranberries? I have coffee, but no breakfast snack. So I am going to make me some scones with pecans. If you do not have a food processor you can still make this but it is rather difficult and I really don’t think you can pull it off. So just get your ass up and head to the nearest coffee shop where they employ people who CAN make scones. Just be sure not to be late to your welfare meeting with your social worker. Let’s begin:

Okay so toss 2c flour, 1/4c sugar, 1-1/2tsp baking powder, 3/4tsp salt, and 1/2tsp baking soda into your food processor and mix it on full blast for a little bit. The idea is to turn all ingredients into a single ingredient. This is the key to cooking and the key to life. Don’t get it? Don’t worry it would make your head explode anyway you peasant. Just keep fucking whistling yankee-doodle all day long.

Once all the dry ingredients are mixed add 1 stick of chilled butter that has been cut into little pieces. Use “on-off” turns until you get something that resembles coarse meal as seen above. Then add 3/4c chopped pecans or other nuts and give it a few light turns. Hazelnuts work well too. I know what you are thinking: “why do you always have that stupid shadow in your pictures? are you simple?” Fuck you. I don’t have a goddamn production studio idiot. This is my fucking kitchen and if you don’t like my lighting you can kiss my fucking ass. Asshole.

Set the food processor aside but don’t disassemble it. Whisk together 1/2c milk, 1/4c sour cream, 1 egg, 1tsp vanilla. Set aside 1-2tbl of this mixture to use later as a glaze. Pour the remaining amount into the food processor.

Turn the mixture over until most of the flour is combined and the dough is nice and sticky. Before you reach your hand in to pull out the dough make sure you unplug the damn thing. You might end up losing MORE of your fingers to stupidity. It would be a tragedy if you prematurely parted ways with ol’ picker. Pat the dough into a disk thingy shape and place on a floured surface.

In a smooth and light manner roll the dough out into a 9″ circle and cut it into eights (eight slices dummy) with a sharp knife.

Transfer the scones to a greased baking sheet. If you do not use enough flour on your rolling surface your slices will stick to the board and it will result in a mangled mess, which would actually be a good representation of your person.

Now brush the scones with the reserved wet ingredients and don’t forget the backs and the sides (not the bottoms…duh). Sprinkle the tops with a generous amount of sugar. The first time I made these I was conservative on the sprinkled sugar and my lady was like “hey! where’s the sugar?” to which I replied “I got your sugar right here baby.”

Bake at 400 deg for 15ish minutes and immediately put on cooling rack. “Where are the other two scones? Did you burn them.” Shut the fuck up! They wouldn’t fit on the damn rack dumbass.