Horseradish – Mint Sauce

I once again purchased a lamb steak for dinner and I need an accompaniment. “What the fuck is up with you and lamb?” Well, dumbass, the local market sells fresh (never frozen) lamb steaks from a farm in Riddle, Oregon for $3.99 per lb. Why do I bother telling you this? Because, stupid, you need to find out what meats are local to you and buy them. Odds are they will be cheaper and they will definitely be awesomer. When you buy nice cuts of red meat, however, it is best to cook them with only salt and pepper and serve them with a condiment. This is that condiment. Let’s begin:

Get a small bowl and toss in about 1/2c of sour cream. Add 1tsp to 1tbl of horseradish, depending on how big of a sissy you are, 1 tbl Dijon mustard and one minced clove of garlic. Finely chop up 2-3 tbl fresh mint, not the candied shit genius, add it to your mixture, and stir it all around. Taste it to see if you would like to add more mint or horseradish. Take this step slowly. You can always add more, but you can’t take any out. This sauce also worked out real well as a condiment for salmon burgers. The heat of the horseradish is mellowed by the mint: perfect for a nice summer evening. Eat it.

Old Lompoc – Lompoc Special Draft

This LSD may be a dark, thick, malty ale that stops just short of the porter/stout category, but it has some serious sparkle that gives it a colorful complexion. The good vibes that reverberate from the bottle are so strong you can hear them. This brew shocks and awes the most seasoned veteran while consuming the mind and turning everything upside down. You will never think the same again. Barkeep! I will take another pint of LSD, please. 4.5 out of 5. Drink it.

Chilles Rellenos Breakfast Casserole

This morning I was mulling over what to have for breakfast. A crappy bagel? Another boring ass egg sandwich? Mexican lasagna? Damn! I started cursing my kitchen for having the worst breakfast options ever. While I was kicking the dishwasher, it hit me; I have leftover poblano peppers I need to use and I also have an assload of cheese. Time to make a fucking chilies rellenos breakfast casserole, bitches! Let’s begin:

Roast, peel, and gut four poblano peppers. If you have not been paying attention (I know you have not been, slacker) click here to find out how to perform this task. Roll up chunks of cheddar in your peppers and place them in a single layer in a deep casserole dish. You know it is deep because it makes stupid comments like “the universe is one giant wavelength and we are all just reverberations so surfs up, Bodie.”

Whisk up five eggs with some cold water and pour over your stuffed peppers. Top with a crapload of grated cheddar cheese. Place in a 350 deg oven, uncovered. After fifteen minutes cover it with aluminum foil and cook for another 25-30 min.

And there you have it. Another masterpiece from an empty kitchen. You probably would have settled for the bagel, loser. Eat it.

Seared Lamb with Porter Mustard

Since my lady is vegetarian and I usually cater to her dietary needs, I figured I would treat myself to a nice Lamb steak. “What marinade did you use? Did you rub it down with spices? Did you slice it up and put it in a Mexican dish?” All of these questions are flat out stupid. Why? Because to defile a beautiful steak in any of the aforementioned manners would be complete and utter blasphemy. A nice steak should only be prepared with salt and pepper but it can, however, be accompanied by a myriad of condiments. Today I decided to make a nice porter mustard sauce. Let’s begin:

Start by whipping up your fine accompaniment. In a small bowl, toss in some Dijon mustard, a little porter or stout (I used Stone’s Smoked Porter), and a hefty pinch of brown sugar. If your sauce is too thick, add more porter. If your sauce is too thin, add more mustard. Not rocket surgery here people.

Cook your lamb like a beef steak. Sear for five minutes flip and put in the oven for another five. Make sure your pan is designed for oven use, dumbass. You want your steak bloody. Overcooked lamb sucks ass.

And there you have it. A beautiful lamb steak with a nice porter mustard on the side. Heaven must be like this. Eat it.

Stone Brewing – Smoked Porter

You may already know Stone Brewing because of their wildly popular Arrogant Bastard Ale. Although Arrogant Bastard’s call is as strong as the Sirens, Stone’s best beer is their Smoked Porter. The first sip that rolls across your lips is as deceiving as a transvestite hooker but just as pleasurable. You get a strong, full bodied Porter and out of nowhere it transforms into a subtle smokey flavor reminiscent of a Rauchbier. If you listen closely you can hear the brew mockingly declare, “surprise bitches!” Although not for sissies, this beer is just a stones throw from perfect. 4.9 out of 5. Drink it.

Mexican Lasagna

I have been sitting on this Mexican Lasagna recipe for a while because I do not have any faith in your culinary skills. This dish takes over two hours to make and it is a total bitch. At this point, however, we have made just about every part of this dish in different settings so all this should be old hat. Right? You have been following along and cooking all these wonderful dishes I assume? “Yes we have.” Okay then. Let’s begin:

In a small saucepan mix 1 can of whole tomatoes with juice, 3 garlic, 1/2c chopped cilantro, a sprinkle of salt and a sprinkle of sugar. Mush up the tomatoes with a wooden spoon while you simmer the mixture for about 6 minutes. Set aside. Simple enough right?

Oops, I messed up the picture order but fuck you I don’t feel like changing it. So first put 9 poblano peppers under the broiler for about 12 minutes. Turn them halfway through. When broiling be sure to leave the door open a crack, stupids. If you close the door your shit will fry. Also do not sit around like a dumbass waiting for the broiler to pre-heat. It is as hot as it needs to be off the bat. After your chilies have been roasted place them in a bowl and cover with plastic wrap to steam them. Once they are cool enough to handle, skin them and slice them open. Remove stem and seeds as seen above. Set aside.

Next step is to wilt your spinach. Cut the stems off two bunches of spinach. Heat up some oil in a large pot. Toss spinach in for a minute or two until wilted. Set aside.

Time to prepare your cream sauce. Lightly simmer 1c of heavy cream for 10 minutes and then add in 8oz of goat cheese. Stir in completely and remove from heat. Set aside. Note the super cute baby girl in picture. I found her in the park the other day and no one has claimed her yet so I may be stuck with her. *Editor’s Note* – Before an Amber Alert goes out, this is his child.

Fry up six 6″ tortillas in hot oil for 30 sec per side. Stack on a paper towel lined plate.

In a large casserole dish spread some of the tomato mixture on the bottom. Then top with three tortillas. Add a little more tomato mixture and then add one can of black beans (drained and rinsed, idiot).

Layer three poblanos over the black beans and top with spinach and then some cheezy mixture. Layer three more poblanos, the rest of the spinach, and some more cheese.

Layer your final three poblanos, the rest of your tomato mixture, the last three tortillas and the remaining cheezy mixture.

Cover with aluminum foil and bake at 350 deg for 35 minutes. With 12 minutes remaining on the timer, remove the aluminum foil. See! That was not that hard was it? I bet you are wishing you made some black bean burgers right now, huh? Eat it.

Hale’s Ales – El Jefe Weizen Ale

Hale’s Ales is a fantastic brewery in Seattle that focuses on English Ales but unfortunately for us in Portland, the El Jefe is the only readily available brew. That is not to say El Jefe sucks (it doesn’t), but rather that Hale’s has many finer brews. I was up really late one night and caught this cable access show called “Drinking with Daren.” Despite the clever name, this guy Daren was a total fucking douche bag. He got to meet the owner of Hale’s and had the opportunity to ask him all sorts of intelligent questions but alas he could barely form a sentence. It was incredibly awkward to watch the two interact as the owner of Hale’s appeared to be a brilliant individual. Why am I telling you this? Because when Daren tasted the beauty of Hale’s Ales all he could muster was “mmm, good.” Fuck this idiot. What a great idea but horrible execution. In any case this El Jefe is a true weizen and has the authentic taste to it unlike so many other hefeweizens in the Pacific Northwest. You can tell it is proper because if you put a lemon in it, it would taste like shit. Fruit does not belong in beer. Period. 4.5 out of 5. Drink it.

Black Bean Burgers II

Yesterday I had an un-Godly craving for black bean burgers but the first ones we made require red pepper which I did not have on hand. So what did I do? Give up and go hungry like a sucker? Make a trip to the store and prolong my hunger? Just omit the red pepper and make a shitty ass burger? Fuck no. I made me some makeshift black bean burgers that will knock your socks off. Seriously, these worked out very well for their rudimentary nature. I bet you can even make them without having to go to the corner market. Maybe. Let’s begin:

Drain and rinse a can of black beans. Drain a 7oz can of pickled jalapenos with carrots and onion. Dice up contents as finely as possible. If you do not have pickled jalapenos salsa will work just fine, but unless you have some serious brain damage on your hands you already figured that one out. Place in a large bowl with the black beans. Mush like crazy until it has turned into a thick paste.

Add 1/3c breadcrumbs, 1/3c whole wheat flour, 1/2 onion, and some salt and pepper. White flour can be substituted for whole wheat flour but if you didn’t already know that you have no business in the kitchen. So get out before you cause irreparable damage. Stir until combined.

Form into four patties. You can cook directly from here but I tossed them in the fridge for a little bit to give them that extra firmness. “What if mine are really mushy?” Is this a hypothetical or did you really fuck up already? If your mixture is super mushy for some bizzare reason, just add some more breadcrumbs or flour. No big deal dumbass.

Over medium heat, cook for about 6 minutes per side. Once you flip them (seen above) toss on a slice of cheddar cheese so it has time to get all melty. If you prefer, swiss would work quite nicely too. NO American cheese slices.

Serve on a toasty bun with mayo and spinach. Eat it.

Pyramid Breweries – Thunderhead IPA

Pyramid Breweries have been around for a while but they never really gained any respect amongst serious beer drinkers. In an effort to up their sales, Pyramid changed their labels and added a few new recipes. I would suggest dropping the Apricot Ale fuckheads. Apricot does not belong in a fucking beer. I was in Ohio for a minute and of course I hit up a bar. They had Magic Hat on tap, which is from Vermont, and I thought I would give it a shot. Turns out it was an Apricot Ale. I cursed the bartender and made them dump it out and serve me another fucking beer. What a bunch of assholes. But I digress. Thunderhead IPA is surprisingly good with a nice bright color but a questionable body, like a reverse butterface. I applaud your new brew, Pyramid. Just drop the fucking Apricot Ale from your line. Please. 3.5 out of 5. Drink it.

Deschutes Brewery – Red Chair IPA

As previously discussed, Deschutes Brewery is one of the largest microbreweries in Oregon. They just started releasing a large amount of specialty brews that do not fail to delight. This IPA is totally refreshing because they do not over-hop the damn thing. That is one pet peeve I have: when microbrews try to hop the shit out of beer. The Red Chair IPA is a nice mellow brew that goes down smooth without the extreme bitterness of other IPAs. It does not come close to other beers in this category (e.g. Blind Pig, Brutal Bitter, Blue Dot) but it definitely does not suck. 4 out of 5. Drink it.