Strawberry Rum Drink

“What the fuck is up with all this strawberry shit?” First off strawberries are NOT shit; they are THE shit. Second, fuck you. My lady got an industrial sized tub of them at the Costco so we will see more strawberry recipes coming my good friend. I came home from the local speakeasy last night and was tanked but I wanted to get more tanked and the only alcohol I had was white rum and the only fresh fruit I had was the strawberry. It doesn’t take a rocket surgeon to figure this one out. Let’s begin:

Muddle a few strawberries with some sugar. Pour in your rum with a heavy hand. Shake and strain as finely as possible. If you want to eliminate all pulp, run it through a cheesecloth or some shit. Stop reaching for the block of cheddar cheese you idiot. Cheesecloth is a piece of fabric you can strain shit through.

“Whoa! Major chick factor here!” That is the whole fucking point you emo hipster. Imagine the shock on your lady’s face when you walk in the room with this. Pretty good huh? Now you just have to find a lady.

Strawberry Reduction Sauce

Okay fucktard, you have plain cheesecake but no garnish; This calls for some strawberries. The strawberry originated from the rugged mystical mountains of Africa and its consumption in Europe began around 600 BC. Only royalty feasted on this voluptuous fruit while their supplicants looked on with the greenest eyes. Only in death would the lowly peon be able to understand the full nature of the strawberry. In these times, however, they will even let grunts of your stock purchase them at the supermarket. What has society come to?!? Take advantage of your modern privileges you menial peasant. Let’s begin:

Start by shielding your eyes from this bright ass picture. Wow, that is really bad. Halve 1c of strawberries and pull the fucking green things off moron. I saw you try and eat one, don’t lie. Consider cutting the white tops off and coring them too. That might be a good idea. In a small saucepan combine the strawberries with 1/4c sugar and 5tbl water.

Boil and simmer that bitch until you can mush up all the strawberries and it has turned all syrup like. This took me upwards of 15 minutes but I don’t really remember; I was pretty tanked. Just eyeball it dummy.

Once the strawberries are mushed to the max, pour into a pyrex and plunge the pyrex into a cold water bath. This is not super necessary but it does help out with serving speed. Go ahead, be lazy; Eat it with your fingers out of the pot, hayseed.

Place over cheesecake, pancakes, -cakes, etc. Hopefully you can do a better job than I with the drizzle. This is the ONE thing I have not completely and utterly mastered so I seriously doubt you can even come close. Too bad.

Sweet Vindication

Oh yeah bitch! Check this fucking shit out. My cheesecake was actually perfect so fuck you and any suggestions you may have. No one wants to hear it.

Cheesecake

Okay people I love this recipe but the crust fucking sucks so if you have a better crust for a cheesecake I want to hear it! The chances are slim you know anything about the delicate dance of the cheesecake but I am asking nonetheless. Due to the fact that my crust has its mouth attached to its own butthole I am not going to discuss how to make the crust, only the filling. Let’s begin:

These are my crappy ass bullshit crusts. God, did I go wrong here. The one on the left actually worked out better so if you are going to mimic this press in 15 crushed and buttered up graham crackers into the bottom of a pie pan. I implore you, give me a better crust.

Mix 4 8oz packages of room temperature cream cheese with 1 1/2c sugar. Then add 3/4c milk. Then add 4 eggs but one at a time. Now add 1c of sour cream, 2 tbl vanilla, and 1/4c flour. This is the recipe to remember because this makes a freaking killer cheesecake. Pour into crappy crust.

The one on the right turned out awesome while the other one developed more cracks in it than the New Orleans Levees. “Why did you even post this? Your crust is fucked, your filling is fucked, your whole damn operation is fucked.” Fuck you asshat. One turned out okay. Plus I need your shitty opinion on how to make a better crust. Too bad you have no fucking idea.

Bomb Ass Salsa

The secret to this recipe is cutting everything up properly. Since you have no fucking idea how to cut anything right (let alone DO anything right), I will show you in painstaking detail. I cannot believe how hard you make this on me. Why do I continue to do this to myself? Maybe I should just say fuck you one last time and give up. Let’s begin:

Start by cutting up 5-6 tomatoes. Before you probably hacked away at the poor tomatoes in a pitiful attempt at dicing. Your result was a runny mess replete with seeds and goo. Good job. You should have cut the bottom off and made a curved slice down the side to reveal the disgusting center, which should be quickly discarded. Remove the slices off the tomato like the petals of a newly blossomed flower. Flatten the slices and dice. Never even thought about doing it this way did you? Dumbass.

Time to cut the jalapeno. Cut off the top and bottom; Use a spoon to disembowel. Dice as seen here. “Should I wear gloves?” Only if you are competing in the sissy of the century contest but chances are good you are so yes use gloves.

Now dump it all in a bowl with a diced onion, a handful of diced cilantro, juice from one lime, 1tsp kosher salt, and 1/2tsp freshly ground pepper. And there you have it. This salsa kicks all store bought salsa’s asses: big time. Make to impress. Use words like ‘scratch’ and ‘organic’ (even if it isn’t) to describe to the ladies. Top your favorite mexican dish or use as additional flavor on steak.

Northwest Spectacular

Start by hitting up that bottle of wine. Once you are two glasses down you should think about how you need to start dinner but one more won’t hurt right? Okay now that we are three down let’s make some fucking food. All these recipes go right after another so the timing is stupid easy. The menu is as follows: roasted red potatoes, garlic roasted broccoli, and BBQ roasted salmon. Notice a theme here? Let’s begin:

Start by pre-heating your crappy oven to 400 deg. Quarter however many red potatoes you would like to consume. Toss with some garlic and olive oil (NOT extra virgin simpleton). “How come your garlic is all concentrated in that one spot.” Fuck you. I intended to do that asshole.

I didn’t take a picture but after the potatoes have roasted for 20 min toss in some garlic broccoli for 10 min. After 10 min pull the broccoli and add the covered salmon (salt and peppered) for 5 min. Pull the salmon and brush with some sweet ass BBQ sauce. Return to oven and bake for another 7 min uncovered. After 7 min pull everything. Got it all there you quick thinker you?

Dinner is served. Love it. What you got? Nothing. Eat it.

Sweet Ass BBQ Sauce

Okay all the fucking recipes around for BBQ sauce call for “1 bottle of BBQ sauce.” What the fuck is up with that? I am trying to MAKE BBQ sauce NOT embellish it. Jesus Christ. It is just so fucking stupid to include what you are trying to make in the ingredient list. That’s like defining a word with itself. To swim: like swimming, you know? Is there no limit to the stupidity of humanity? Damn. Let’s begin:

Get a large pot. No, bigger than that dumbass. Okay that will work. Now start dumping shit in the pot: 1 14oz can of stock (beef or veggie), 1/4c rice vinegar (white will work you uncultured swine), 1/4-1/2c Worcestershire, 2 6oz cans tomato paste, 1 15oz can tomato sauce, 1/2c brown sugar, 1/2c maple/pancake syrup, 2tbl Old Bay, 1tbl ancho chili powder, 1tbl paprika, 2tsp cayenne, 1tsp sage, 1 tsp tumeric, and 3 cloves of garlic. Simmer for 1 1/2 hours. “What is a simmer again?” Didn’t we already fucking go over this? A simmer, you assclown, is a well controlled slight boil. Start on five and then move to three on your burner. Sometimes you really test the limits of my patience.

This sweet ass BBQ sauce can be applied to many choice culinary delights. As seen above I decided to toss my chicken wings with it. Use on ribs, tofu, whatever. I don’t really care what you do with it as long as it still pertains to food. Sicko.

Breakfast Waffle Sandwich

Place an over easy egg and bacon between two frozen waffles genius. Top with syrup. What? You thought I was going to make my own waffles? Yeah, right.

Southwestern Pasta Salad

I discovered this recipe while in the waiting room of my psychiatrist. He has some good magazines to read while the other crazy is finishing up their session. This pasta salad is fantastic on its own or you can top it with shrimp, steak, or anything else meaty. Do not attempt to top with pizza or another pasta dumbass. Let’s begin:

Make a 16oz box of farfalle (bowtie pasta genius) or just under a box depending on how you like it. Cook according to manufacturer’s instructions. While the pasta is still warm toss with 1/3c oil, 1/4c lime juice, 1tbl ancho chili powder, 1tbl Old Bay, 2tsp cumin, 1/2tsp salt, and 2 cloves of garlic. Cool the mixture. “Should I put it in the fridge?” Are you fucking retarded? Just cool it to room temperature. Damn.

Once it has cooled add 1 can of corn, 1 can of black beans, 1 diced red pepper and 1/4c chopped cilantro. Garnish with fresh diced tomatoes. “Why does all your shit always have corn and black beans? Can’t you make anything else or at least something that is not from a can?” Fuck you, you dumb piece of shit. Corn and black beans are a fantastic staple for a vegetarian diet (women tend to be vegetarians) and I buy the cans in bulk from Costco. Do you want to soak beans and cut up fresh corn all the fucking time? I didn’t think so. Suck it.

Blackened Shrimp

Okay moron. Let’s see if you can actually pull off a shrimp dish. These are by far and away the easiest shellfish to whip up in your kitchen so if you fuck these up DO NOT try any other crustaceans, or mollusks for that matter (i.e. anything you eat that comes from the sea and is not a fish you tard). I wish you the best of luck in this elementary endeavour. Not really; I hope you fail. Let’s begin:

For this recipe we employ the age old technique of ‘shake and bake,’ or in this case ‘shake and sear.’ Make sure you have an opened, oversized beer to consume; DO NOT drink Pabst you wackass hipster. Throw your shrimp into a ziplock bag and then throw in a bunch of Old Bay blackened. Zip it up and shake that bitch like you caught her stealing money out of your wallet.

Heat up your dry pan to about a seven and then toss on your badass seasoned shrimp. Cook for ~1-2 min on each side. Do not use pre-cooked shrimp, genius, and be sure to de-shell and de-vein them if they did not come that way already. I can just see you biting into the shell and saying wow this asshole guy sucks at cooking. Actually you are the asshole who cannot cook. Jerkoff.

You can tell when they are done because they are no longer grey and have turned pinkish. Also look down the center and make sure they are meaty and not translucent (remember our word of the day?). Move to a plate and enjoy, fucker.