Saturday Breakfast

Since that guest post did not get the most rave reviews, with good right, I decided to bump it off the top post with my breakfast from this morning. My tee time today is not until 2pm so I actually had the opportunity to make breakfast. Usually I just drink coffee on Saturday mornings. This meal is really nothing special but it is sure as fuck better than the Breakfast of Champions. I just pan fried a bunch of shit and dumped in some eggs and topped it with cheese. Now that I think about it this may be a little over your head, loser. Let’s begin:

Take shit that is in your fridge. Throw in pan. Saute. How fucking hard is that? “Not very.” You’re damn right. I used red onion, broccoli, and fake breakfast sausage.

Dump in ~5 eggs whisked with some cold water and sour cream. Do not stir until it has time to form, dumbass. Otherwise your eggs will look like shit.

Once your egg is cooked, top with cheddar cheese, cover, and remove from heat. And there you have it. An easy ass breakfast for you and that chick that didn’t catch the hint and is still hanging around the morning after. Eat it.

Bacon, Broccoli, and Cheddar Cornbread

So at around ten o’clock last night I got me a hankering for some cornbread. As I reached into the fridge I suddenly realized I had a ton of broccoli that did not have too much time left. What was I to do? Eat a bunch of crappy broccoli and not get my cornbread? Fuck no. We are going to make a jazzed up cornbread that will appear healthy, taste great, and look bizarre. This is the perfect dish to take to your lame ass summer potluck, loser. Let’s begin:

Start by preheating your oven to 400 deg. Roast 2-3c of broccoli florets for five minutes and then pulse the shit of out them in a food processor. Make eight strips of bacon. When finished cooking the bacon, toss a diced shallot into the drippings, stir, and remove from heat. If you do not have a shallot, and you don’t, use 1/2 an onion, preferably red. Grate a shitload of cheddar cheese.

In a large bowl mix 1c flour, 1c yellow cornmeal, and 4tsp baking powder. In a smaller bowl beat 4 eggs and then pour into the cornmeal mixture. You should end up with some crappy looking shit as seen above. But that is okay because the next thing we add is a stick of butter.

Mix in your melted stick of butter, the shallot (including the drippings, don’t be a sissy), the cheddar, and the broccoli. Add them one at a time, genius. Form into the Pyrex with the back of a wooden spoon

Bake at 400 deg for 25 minutes and there you have it. This was actually the fucking shit so I would highly suggest making this for your idiot friends. The only thing I would change is the amount of bacon. We all know which direction that would be. Eat it.

Rockstar Zucchini Muffins

Okay dummy, listen up. These muffins are perfect for the ladies as long as you say the right things. Call them the following buzzwords even if they are not entirely accurate: organic, vegetarian, vegan (only use this one if the chick is a psycho because any normal woman would not be turned on by this word.), free range, fat free, and light. If you are able to cram all these into one sentence you will earn the title of Master. Otherwise, drop them casually into your conversation. For example, “Damn those jeans make your butt look big! Good thing these muffins are fat free.” Let’s begin:
In a large bowl combine 3c flour, 3tsp cinnamon, 1tsp salt, 1tsp baking soda, and 1tsp baking powder. Set aside. In a smaller bowl whisk together 3 eggs, 2c sugar, 1c vegetable oil, and 2-3tsp vanilla. Pour into flour mixture and combine. Add 2c of grated zucchini and 1c walnuts. There are two things about zucchinis you need to know. First, do not fucking call them a courgette. This is America, not some loser country like France. Second, they retain a lot of water so after you grate them you have to press out all the water into paper towels.

Bake in a 350 deg oven for 20-25 minutes. And there you have it. Twelve tickets to paradise. “I bet these taste gross.” Fuck you idiot. They are light, fat free, vegetarian muffins made with zucchini from a free range organic local farm. Eat it.

Turkey, Bacon, and Cheddar Omlette

So I have not really felt like cooking for the past few days and I don’t think I will feel like it for another few but I figured that since you seem to actually care what I make that I would let you in on my breakfast this morning. After getting back from the bar after having a few screwdrivers, I needed to make breakfast. I scrounged my fridge and found bacon, turkey left over from last night (I bought it pre-cooked *gasp* from the local deli), cheddar and eggs. Time to make some greasy ass breakfast. Let’s begin:

Get everything prepared. Chop up the turkey, cook and break up the bacon, and grate your cheese. Whisk four eggs with some water and sour cream. “You don’t seem like you are into this. Are you okay?” Fuck you asshole. It is you that you should worry about. Don’t fucking pry into my life jackass.

Use your bacon grease pan. Pour in your eggs and once the bottom solidifies add your filling on one side.

Once the egg has mostly solidified fold it in half and let it cook for a little longer. Do not flip, dumbass. “Eww! That looks burned.” How fucking stupid are you? That is the result of cooking it in bacon grease, not overcooking it retard. Fuck you. Eat it.

Bacon Wrapped Jalapeno Poppers

Well it is time for breakfast again and I am mulling over my options: bacon, eggs, cheese, english muffin. Looks like another crappy breakfast sandwich. Wait! I have a bunch of large jalapenos! Someone was just commenting the other day on jalapenos and now my mouth is watering. How could I pass up the opportunity to make some motherfucking poppers for breakfast? Let’s begin:

Start by cutting your jalapenos in half. De-seed and de-rib them using a paring knife. Cut thick strips of cheddar and use them to re-attach the two halves. Tightly wrap with bacon to ensure no cheese will leak out. I know it is tempting but do not attempt to eat the bacon raw.

Cook at 400 deg for 30 minutes and there you have it. Another kick ass bacon wrapped breakfast. Eat it.

Chilles Rellenos Breakfast Casserole

This morning I was mulling over what to have for breakfast. A crappy bagel? Another boring ass egg sandwich? Mexican lasagna? Damn! I started cursing my kitchen for having the worst breakfast options ever. While I was kicking the dishwasher, it hit me; I have leftover poblano peppers I need to use and I also have an assload of cheese. Time to make a fucking chilies rellenos breakfast casserole, bitches! Let’s begin:

Roast, peel, and gut four poblano peppers. If you have not been paying attention (I know you have not been, slacker) click here to find out how to perform this task. Roll up chunks of cheddar in your peppers and place them in a single layer in a deep casserole dish. You know it is deep because it makes stupid comments like “the universe is one giant wavelength and we are all just reverberations so surfs up, Bodie.”

Whisk up five eggs with some cold water and pour over your stuffed peppers. Top with a crapload of grated cheddar cheese. Place in a 350 deg oven, uncovered. After fifteen minutes cover it with aluminum foil and cook for another 25-30 min.

And there you have it. Another masterpiece from an empty kitchen. You probably would have settled for the bagel, loser. Eat it.

Super Simple Southwestern Strata

This egg and bread casserole is so easy it makes your mom look like a saint. You can easily whip it up with what you have in the house and your resourcefulness will assuredly impress the ladies. Just don’t let them know how simple it was or else they will make you cook all the time. In fact, I would fuck it up on purpose or at least complain loudly the whole time you are making it. Let’s begin:

Whisk together 1c milk, 3 eggs, and some salt and pepper. Now is the time to add any southwestern themed spices you might want to enjoy (e.g. cumin, chili powder, Old Bay, etc.). “Oh this is so difficult I can’t believe you are forcing me to make you breakfast!” Exactly! But try to make it more whinny.

Add a bunch of cheddar, 1 jalapeno, 1/2 a red pepper and combine. At this point you can basically add anything you want. I only used what I did because that is all I had in the fridge but I think the color turned out nicely. Add four slices of your favorite bread, torn into pieces. Turn into a small casserole dish. “Ugh this is taking forever. What a total waste of time.” Perfect. Before you know it your lady will never want you to cook again!

Cook at 400 deg for about 25 minutes until nicely browned. Top with salsa, sour cream, more cheese, etc. “Oh my God that was SO hard.” Eat it.

Breakfast Scramble

This morning I have two mouths to feed and a fridge to clean so take note people. This ‘clean the fridge technique’ is the same as the moon pizza but it utilizes different items. Resourcefulness is the key to the breakfast scramble as many different foods can be used so open up your fridge and start pulling crap out. Let’s begin:

After rooting through my ice box I found garlic, green pepper, broccoli, cheddar and six eggs. This should be perfect. Items that should NOT be used: apples, mangoes, strawberries, chocolate, peanut butter, top ramen, pineapple, jelly beans, power bars, cereal, fruit rollups, ice cream etc. Get the picture dumbass? Roast your broccoli in a 375 deg oven for 5 min and let cool. Saute some garlic, green pepper, and your broccoli for a few minutes and then pour in six whisked eggs.

Stir mixture around occasionally so it forms clumps but not one big clump stupid. “Wait, I don’t get it.” No shit. Okay so don’t stir it too much or else there will be no clumps of eggs but don’t stir it too infrequently or else you will overcook half your eggs and the rest will be runny. Just stir it moderately genius; This is not rocket surgery. Once it is looking pretty cooked up toss on a bunch of grated cheese, cover, and remove from heat. Eat it.

Pork Explosion Quiche

Well I have leftover pork, bacon, and cheddar cheese; Time to make a motherfucking quiche. “What the fuck? You always make quiches. Quiches suck.” I am going to pretend you didn’t say that so I don’t do anything I will regret or that will land me in prison. Quiches are the best breakfast in the history of breakfasts so don’t fucking tell me that quiches suck. I am sorry your life is so depressing you have to take it out on breakfast dishes. Not really, loser. Let’s begin:

Make a pie crust, pork loin, and bacon. Line the bottom of the pie crust with grated cheddar cheese, add your meat, and top with more cheese. Pour in nine whisked eggs. I don’t do that Frenchie poofter bullshit with all the cream and crap. I just pour eggs over meat and cheese, America style. Suck it France.

Give your pathetically patient dog some pork before his head explodes.

375 deg and 40ish minutes later you got yourself one sexy beast; It is like an omelet and a pie crust caught in the bestial act of fornication. Eat it.

The Heart Stopper

This morning I had a bizarre craving for a grilled cheese, but not just any grilled cheese; I wanted the sick and unholy “Heart Stopper.” What is the Heart Stopper you ask? It is a grilled cheese filled to the brim with various pork products. Today I have bacon and salami so this is going to be some good eating. I only wish I had pepperoni too. “You are one sick piece of shit.” Fuck you, you hypocritical dipshit. You know you want it. Let’s begin:
Butter one side of a piece of good quality bread (no Wonder bread jackass) and put it face down in a pan (i.e. butter side down genius). Put down one layer of cheddar cheese and then one layer of salami (use up to eight slices). Oh man this is looking good.

Make bacon. Add another layer of cheese, four strips of bacon, and finally another layer of cheese. Top with another piece of bread. “Still butter side down?” Are you fucking kidding me? Use some damn common sense, assclown.

Grill over medium heat until each side looks like this. Perfect once again. This was one of the best breakfasts I have had in a long time. The spiciness of the salami really complimented my coffee but it was subdued enought that I could still taste the bacon. Eat it.