Lompoc – C-Note IPA

Lompoc is a local Portland brewery that just started bottling their brews. Until recently you could only get them on tap at their public houses. I remember having very strong feelings for their draft C-note but when it comes to the bottled version I give it a ‘what the fuck?’ It is good I guess but not crazy sick awesome like on tap. Also the color is not like I remembered either. I thought it was more citrus-y like the other great IPAs. They should stick to draft beers. 3 out of 5. Don’t drink the bottle but do visit their multiple locations and have a C-note on tap.

Russian River Brewing – Blind Pig IPA

What is the old saying? Even a blind pig finds a truffle now and then? Well this blind pig found a shitload of truffles. Russian River is a phenomenal brewery and this beer is the fucking shit! Just look at that color. That is the ideal look for an IPA so don’t fucking forget it. This beer has the perfect citrus hop flavor and there are no bitch ass malts in sight to cover it up. This goes down in my book as one of the best beers out there along with Brutal and Blue Dot. 5 out of 5. Drink the motherfucking shit out it.

More Moon Pizzas

So last night I made more badass moon pizzas for dinner. Except this time I did a little something different with the filling. I sauteed some garlic and mushrooms and then added some spinach until it was just barely wilted and then removed it from heat. “How is that different? That sounds the same as last time.” I added mushrooms you fucking idiot. That is the difference. I was also thinking of adding some broccoli but I decided to pass. “Why are you telling me all this?” Oh my God you are so fucking dense. I am trying to teach you that you can make a moon pizza out of anything and everything so use this dish as a fridge cleaner, genius. Some things just don’t get through your thick skull do they? Eat it, asshole.

Dogfish Head – Burton Baton

The Dogfish Head brewery is not in the Northwest but they do make some killer brews that are worthy of the Northwest’s respect so I feel obliged to review this release. According to their website this brew is “a blend of oak-aged English strong ale and [their] 90 Minute IPA.” This 10% beer is over the fucking top. It is an okay sipping brew but it is not for the backyard BBQ (use Hair of the Dog Blue Dot IPA or Rogue Brutal Bitter for that). The oak and malts dominate the flavor and the citrus hops are barely noticeable. Totally weak. It tastes like the oak aging was done in used Jack Daniel’s barrels but not in a good way. Overall I am disappointed with this brew and do not suggest you pick it up for any occasion which is just a damn shame. 3 out of 5. Don’t drink it.

Fire Death Shrimp

These fire death shrimp are fucking hot as the depths of hell so get ready to go running for the hills crying for mommy. You should only attempt to consume them if you have recently been checked out by a gastroenterologist (stomach doctor, stupid). These shrimp are so fire hot they make everything else you have ever had look like child’s play. They are perfect for the boastful individual who thinks they are immune to spicy foods. Make these to fuck them. Let’s begin:

Take your shelled and de-veined shrimps and liberally (I hate liberals!) coat them in harissa. “Hey, I am a liberal and I believe America should have big government that eventually turns us into a functional socialist nation.” You are everything that is wrong with this country you dumb fucker. First off there would be nothing ‘functional’ about it and second big government fucking sucks ass. I say back off you fucks and get the hell out of my life. This is America dammit and I should be able to do whatever the fuck I want to.

Get a cast iron skillet real hot like at about a 6 or a 7 and toss those puppies down for about a minute and a half per side. That means flip them dumbass.

And there you have it: fire death shrimp. Serve over rice or some other shit like that. Do whatever you want I don’t really give a fuck. Eat it.

Bacon Brownies

Don’t say you didn’t see it coming from a mile away. Did you really think I would pass up on this opportunity? Once again bacon has turned an ordinary, dessert into a well rounded meal. “You are one sick bastard.” I think the person who did not think of the bacon brownies is the sick one. That would be you, fucker. To continue after being rudely interrupted, when I made bacon cookies there was not that bacon hit in every bite. This time I decided not to break it up so finely so you would really be able to taste the bacon. Plus I added extra bacon. To make these you just make your brownie batter and add eight strips of thick cut bacon. Be sure to break it into pieces dumbass. Eat it.

Lunch

What did you have for lunch today? You probably made that shitty microwave pasta that is all the rage. Or did you get an overpriced underpacked sandwich at the local market? Don’t tell me you went to Subway! Anyway I am positive you spent too much money and your lunch sucked balls. My lunch, on the other hand, was an Oregon lamb steak with harissa on the side for under $3.50. I cooked it to perfection on a cast iron skillet. Oh it was so fucking good, you have no idea. Eat it. Oh wait, you can’t. Sucker.

Garlic Fire Paste

Also known as harissa, this garlic fire paste is the bomb on meaty goodness. The key is to cook your steak with just salt and pepper and apply the harissa afterwards as a complimentary flavor. “I doubt this is hot enough for me. I love really, really hot stuff.” That’s what she said. “Damn, you got me.” That’s right I did, sucker. A little taste of your own medicine there baby. Anyway this paste will make your face sweat. “That’s what she said.” You fucking suck. Let’s begin:

De-stem and de-seed 1/2c of dried hot red chili peppers. “Can I just use the stuff I put on pizza?” You absolutely cannot. That would be really, really stupid, even for you. Soak the peppers until they are as soft (about 45 min).

In a bowl mix together 7 minced cloves of garlic, 1tsp coriander, 1tsp cumin, and 1/4tsp salt. Dice up your soft ass peppers and mix them in. You can use a mortar and pestle but I just used the backside of a ladle.

Add about a tablespoon of water and you got yourself some garlic fire paste. This stuff is so hot it will take the paint off your car so be forewarned. Knowing your dumbass you will probably test it with a gigantic spoonful and end up in the hopital. Eat it.

Snoqualmie Brewery – Copperhead Pale Ale

I found this Snoqualmie (snow-qual-me, stupid) pale ale at my local specialty shop and figured I would give it a test run as I have never heard of it before. Bad idea. If ‘pale’ means devoid of taste and generally shitty, this beer is spot on. It just fucking sucks and their website is even worse. I bet their brewery and tap room are in a damn strip mall. This is a microbrew for sales people and stuck up ladies in heels who need a showpiece that screams ‘look at me I drink micro-brews’ but really your beer sucks balls. You have no culture. In fact this beer is perfect for a piece of crap like yourself. 2 out of 5. Don’t drink it.

Witkap-Pater – Singel

No I am not speaking in tongues, Witkap-Pater is the name of the most recent beer I purchased. I love Belgian beers and you should too. I have seen doubles (dubbel) and tripples (trippel) but never a single (singel). Interest peaked, I had to bring it home for some serious one on one action. This beer is the perfect introduction to Belgian beers for an ignoramous such as yourself. It is light and floral in character and has the sweetness of fermented apple juice. If you are interested in branching out into belgian beers anytime soon I would suggest starting here. For the seasoned vetran, however, this tastes like Budweiser. “Where can I get Belgian beers?” Gee, maybe a specialty beer store dumbass. You can’t buy this shit at Safeway. 3.5 out of 5 but only for the novice. Drink it newbie.