Absinthe – Lemonade

It is another beautiful day here in Portland and it is almost 2pm. You know what that means? Time to drink some absinthe! “Absinthe is just too strong for me (wimpy voice). Can’t I mix it with anything?” Well if you are a gigantic sissy you can mix it but to us self-respecting folk that would be blasphemous. Since this site is geared towards you, the huge baby, we will mix it but just this once. Let’s begin:

Muddle some sugar, lemon slices, and lime slices. Add your mint and gently bruise it. Add two to three shots of absinthe and a little water. Shake and strain.

Garnish with a mint sprig and both a lemon and lime wheel. “Where can I buy absinthe? Isn’t it illegal?” Uh, try the liquor store genius. Although absinthe has been illegal since ~1912, the FDA recently approved it. Here in Oregon micro-distilleries make a killer product but elsewhere your best bet is to pick up an import from France (shudder).

Absinthe – Dutch Style

Welcome to the land of wooden shoes, windmills, and legalized sin. Our absinthe adventure this morning lands us in the Netherlands where people have a slightly different way of consuming the green fairy. For this quest we need to enlist the help of man’s oldest friend: fire. Let’s begin:

Pour yourself a handsome glass of absinthe but pour it over the sugar so we can light that bad boy on fire. Be sure not to spill your shit all over because the absinthe can run down the handle of the spoon. Not that I did that or anything.

Light the sugar cube on fire. Do not use a match dumbass. That sulfur smells like shit and you run the risk of a piece breaking off into your drink. If the absinthe itself starts burning blow it out immediately genius. You want the sugar to burn, not the booze.

I should have stuck to coffee.

Absinthe – French Style

Bonjour mademoiselle! Today we cold drip some absinthe while overlooking the very same water lilies Monet (barely) looked upon years ago. Not really, but you can look his paintings up on google images if you are in dire need if some culture, which you are. While you are being ‘civilized,’ you should pour yourself an absinthe drip: French style. Let’s begin:

Place a slotted spoon over a glass of absinthe. Delicately place a sugar cube upon said slotted spoon. I just know you will find some bizarre way to fuck this up. It cannot get any easier than this and yet I still have no faith in your abilities; You are one pathetic motherfucker.

Cold drip water over the sugar cube until it becomes one with the absinthe. Drink and enjoy. Unfortunately, I am sure you will somehow fuck up drinking it if you didn’t already fuck up making it.

Strawberry Rum Drink

“What the fuck is up with all this strawberry shit?” First off strawberries are NOT shit; they are THE shit. Second, fuck you. My lady got an industrial sized tub of them at the Costco so we will see more strawberry recipes coming my good friend. I came home from the local speakeasy last night and was tanked but I wanted to get more tanked and the only alcohol I had was white rum and the only fresh fruit I had was the strawberry. It doesn’t take a rocket surgeon to figure this one out. Let’s begin:

Muddle a few strawberries with some sugar. Pour in your rum with a heavy hand. Shake and strain as finely as possible. If you want to eliminate all pulp, run it through a cheesecloth or some shit. Stop reaching for the block of cheddar cheese you idiot. Cheesecloth is a piece of fabric you can strain shit through.

“Whoa! Major chick factor here!” That is the whole fucking point you emo hipster. Imagine the shock on your lady’s face when you walk in the room with this. Pretty good huh? Now you just have to find a lady.

Mojito

No it is not fucking pronounced ‘moe–jeet-oh’ you backcounty bumpkin. Try to mouth ‘moe–hee-toe’ then make a feeble attempt at pronouncing it. I was inspired to do this because when I was at a local eatery the other day the bartender had a painful look in his eye that screamed “I hate mojito monday.” Every five minutes this guy was making one of these. So I couldn’t help but to order one. Schadenfreude my friends. This classic drink has many variations and everyone thinks they make the best one. That is bullshit because I make the best mojito, not you. So here is what you need to know. Let’s begin:

Start by cutting up some limes as we have previously discussed. Typically mojitos will have triple sec (an orange liqueur dumbass) but alas I do not keep it ready at hand so I will substitute a single clementine wedge. Muddle the citrus and some sugar. “Um, what does muddling mean?” Holy fucking shit are you kidding me? damn you really have some serious mental disability on your hands don’t you? Smash the citrus and sugar in some ice with the end of a wooden spoon since you obviously do not have a muddler.

Now add the mint but do not smash it into little pieces like an idiot. Do you want little green shit in your teeth for the rest of the morning? I didn’t think so. Simply bruise the mint so you get the flavor.

Shake it like it is for sale and strain into a pint glass full of ice. Top with 7-UP or some other lemon-lime shit. Garnish with a lime wedge.

Citrus Rum Drink

dWell, I found white rum (from a Christmas white elephant), clementines (the ladies always have them around), and limes. Time to make a fucking drink. It is all about resourcefulness of which you have none. That is why you are reading this bullshit. Let’s begin:

Start by slicing up your fruit. Quarter the clementines for easy muddling and cut the ends of the lime so we can cut this thing properly.

Now cut the lime lengthwise and then slice it down the white shit without cutting through the rind (the skin dumbass). Cut strips widthwise which makes for easy placement. Are you getting this or is this way above your head? That’s what I thought.

Muddle three lime wedges and two clementine wedges with some sugar and a lot of white rum. If you do not have a muddler, and you don’t, use the end of a wooden spoon. Note the Mandalay Bay Shark Reef shot glass; That place is awesome on mescaline.

Shake and strain into a martini glass. Garnish with a lime and clementine wedge to impress.

Willamette Valley Pinot Noir

“What? Are we going to make a Pinot Noir.” Don’t be stupid. We leave that up to UC Davis students around here. This is an instructional guide on how to look like a know-it-all (opposed to a dumbass) when it comes to Willamette Valley Pinot Noir. Your lady will be so impressed with your posturing she will fall into your arms and whisper “do with me what you will.”

Only buy wine that says “Willamette Valley.” If it just says “Oregon” it is fool’s wine; Don’t buy it. Pour into a 750ml pinot glass as seen above. “Wait a minute. I was at a winery the other day and that is NOT an Oregon pinot glass.” Okay, there is a specific Oregon pinot glass and it is a slight variation on this one but who really gives a fuck. This is a motherfucking pinot glass and it is fucking acceptable so stop your bitching you pretentious ass.

Before you take a sip swirl the glass around while holding the bottom (it makes it look classier). This opens up the wine and yada yada yada the ladies are impressed. Practice at home alone before trying in public.

Now sniff the wine like a total douche. Be sure to have a smug look on your face. Comment on the intensity of the “tannins.” No one knows what the fuck “tannins” are so everyone is impressed when you can pinpoint them by smell alone. Finally taste the wine. Mention the “cigar box” flavor and how you are rolling it over every part of your tongue to get the full flavor experience. Do not chug or put in beer bong. Ladies are NOT impressed by that. Finally don’t forget to mention that Willamette Valley Pinot Noir is fucking expensive and by the way you owe me $15 for that glass.