Soy, Lemon, and Ginger Chicken

So if you have not guessed it by now, I got an assload of chicken at Costco this weekend so expect to see at least another one coming after this. “I am tired of chicken already.” Shut the fuck up! You will make it, you will eat it, and you will like it. You hear me? This recipe is real basic but it ends up making the chicken very tasty. Let’s begin:

In a large ziplock combine the juice of one large lemon, ~1/4c soy sauce, ~2tsp of freshly grated ginger, and some pepper. Add chicken and marinate for six hours and not a minute sooner. I’m watching you.

Grill. If it is raining outside bake at 350 deg for ~50min. Just be sure to wait until the juices run clear dumbass. You don’t fucking want to eat medium-rare chicken. Eat it.

Jalapeno Citrus Lime Chicken

This chicken marinade is off the freaking hook. It is so good some Caribbean country made it their national dish recently after they heard about my mad skills. The key is to really give it the time it needs which is about a six hour soak. Don’t feel like marinating it for six hours? Don’t make the fucking recipe, stupid. I don’t want to hear from any whinny sissies saying this sucks and only tastes like chicken when they marinated it for 15 minutes. Some people, yourself included, are just so fucking dumb it blows my mind. Let’s begin:
In a big ass ziplock back, combine 1/4c Clementine Izze (or OJ – but not the stabbey kind), the juice of 1-2 limes, 1 diced jalapeno, 1 minced clove of garlic, and 1/4tsp cumin. This marinate is for two chicken breasts. Have four? Then fucking double it dumbass. Have six? “Triple it?” Bingo.

Cook at 350 deg for 45 minutes to an hour or cook on the grill. “Why didn’t you cook it on the grill?” Maybe because it was raining outside jackass. Otherwise I would have totally tossed those hunks of meat over an open flame. So fucking guess how you should cook them? That’s right. Grill it. Eat it.

Fucking Fried Ass Chicken

Who doesn’t like fried chicken? That’s right, no one. Today we are going to dabble in the art of frying, chicken style. I am a fried chicken aficionado and I have got a recipe that will blow the stupid hipster chucks off you and your lady. “Let me guess, it involves Old Bay?” You’re damn right it requires Old Bay. Don’t fuck with me young man. Let’s begin:

Get a large ziplock bag and pour in 1c buttermilk, 1tbl Old Bay, and 1tbl paprika. This is probably the first time you have used a ziplock bag for something other than narcotics, you liberal junkie. Make sure the chicken is swimming in it and toss her in the fridge for about an hour. Oh yeah, take the skin off your chicken stupid.

In a separate large ziplock bag, combine 2c flour, 1tbl Old Bay, 1tbl, paprika, and 1tsp cayenne. Toss in your buttermilk chicken and shake that bad boy. No! Stop! Don’t pour in all the buttermilk too you fucking retard. Just pull the chicken out of one ziplock and put it in another. Not rocket surgery here people. Once the chicken is coated, put on a baking sheet and cover with a CLEAN dish towel for 20 min. “Why?” Don’t ask stupid questions, okay?

Over high heat (about an 8), fry the chicken until browned on each side as seen above. Cover and lower the heat to about a 2. Continue flipping every 15 min or so. After 30 min raise the heat to an 8 again and fry each side so it gets that awesome crispy exterior.

Look at that. The grease is turning the paper towels clear. Now that is what I am talking about. This is going to be some good motherfucking eating. Too bad you probably fucked up so bad your coating is floating in the pan, loser. Eat it.

BBQ Chicken, Bacon, and Cheddar Omelette

That’s right. Time to clear the fridge and make an omelette out of leftovers. The omelette is the cornerstone of eggy breakfasts here in America and once again we took something from another culture and perfected it. The French got nothing on us. They probably don’t even have bacon in France. Let’s begin:

Make some bacon but keep the grease going over medium heat. Cut up some leftover chicken and grate some cheese. Do not attempt to grate American cheese slices. Whisk 4 eggs with a little water.

Pour your eggs into the hot bacon grease with a careful ease. Otherwise you will splatter the grease everywhere and burn your dumb ass. It will cook quickly so be ready to lift the pan up if you need to. Cook until the top is not so runny but be careful not to burn it. I don’t even know why I am explaining this to you. There is no way you could ever properly cook an omelette. You just suck that bad.

Fill the omelette with your shit and fold into a half moon. “That looks all burned dude.” It does to the untrained eye but really that is the result of the excessive amount of bacon grease so stop fucking questioning me and fucking eat it.

Barbeque Chicken

So after a great round on the links I decided to throw some chicken on the barbeque, slow style. If you have not wrapped your pea sized brain around it yet, the ONLY way to cook anything on the grill (except burgers and steaks) is to slow your role. This allows you to kick back and relax while the meat turns out tender and juicy as all fucking get out. Let’s begin:

You are going to employ the same method we used for the barbeque pork. Put all the coals on one side (direction of wind) and put the chicken on the other. “Can you explain this some more.” Are you shitting me? You even have a picture there to show you! Just think indirect heat, asshat. Wash the chicken but do not apply anything to it. “What about…?” NO! Also make sure your chicken is boned. Flip every half hour and cook for an hour per pound. The cuts above are 1lb each. Do I cook them for two hours or one hour? “Two hours!” Wrong bitch. As they are individual pieces I only need to cook them for one hour.

Make your barbeque sauce. Apply to chicken in the last five minutes of cooking just so you get a nice hot glaze on there. Eat it.

Spinach Pesto Hot Wings

“This sounds gross.” Fuck you. This dish is awesome. Would you east pesto chicken pasta? So you can eat some fucking pesto hot wings because there is zero difference: except for pasta. Really I just had leftover spinach pesto and thought it would be good to use on some hot wings; I was right. Cooking is not about finding a recipe, going to the store, buying those exact ingredients, and finally making the dish. Cooking is about buying random shit, finding shit in your fridge that goes well together, and making some seriously good, unique, and creative food. Wait, I forgot who I was talking to. Follow recipes exactly special olympian (hey, if the president can make fun of the special olympics why can’t I?). Let’s begin:

I have a huge bag of frozen chicken wings and I cook them in the oven (without thawing them) for about an hour. I cooked them at 375 deg for 30 min and then I removed them from the oven and brushed them with the leftover spinach pesto. Then I flipped them and brushed the other side and returned to oven. 15 min later I removed from oven, flipped and brushed with the pesto again (only on top side) and returned to the oven. 15 min later you got yourself some pesto hot wings. Your lady might actually enjoy these. Call them low-carb, all-natural or something else stupid like that to increase interest.

Jamaican Jerk Bacon Wrapped Hot Wings

Right now I am making some kick ass jamaican jerk bacon wrapped hot wings. But guess what? I will not have a camera until tomorrow so fuck you. No sweet ass motherfucking hot wings for your sorry ass. MAYBE I’ll post the recipe later on. I do have more of the spice mixture I developed but I was thinking of just throwing it away. We shall see…

Bacon Wrapped Hot Wings

You read correctly my friends. Motherfucking bacon wrapped hot biznitches. This is more for personal consumption rather than a “woo the ladies” dish. These taste like Jesus incarnate and have all the same redemptive qualities. Mmmm…sweet redemption…pathway to heaven. Just be sure to take your Pepcid AC well in advance you fat fuck.

Take four strips of thick cut sweet, sweet bacon and cut them in half. Wrap them around your raw hot wings. Only use the wing parts; Drumsticks will not work stupid. Try to restrain yourself and do not consume raw. They must be cooked in order to minimize bathroom time.

Griddle them in a panini grill on medium for about 15-20 min. Make sure the chicken is done all the way. You might have to sacrifice a little burned bacon for salmonella free chicken but “se la vie.” Be sure to keep the griddle closed when cooking you dumb sack of crap. Toss with favorite hot wings sauce (see previous and/or future hot wings posts) or eat directly off grill like I did.

Hot Wings Deuce

So this time I omitted the old bay (a cardinal sin, I know) and replaced it with ancho and cumin. If you can’t fucking figure it out for yourself the new mexican chili powder IS ancho. After I poured the sauce on the wings I put this much cilantro in the mix and tossed. This recipe gives the wings an ‘authenticos‘ taste and it worked out quite well.

Hot Wings

“Why would I want to cook my own hot wings? I can get them anywhere.” True you can get them at a myriad of locations but are they kick ass? NO. They suck ass, hard. If you don’t think they suck that tells me you have never had good hot wings before. The time is at hand. Plus your lady will be more willing to have them for dinner if you make them. The surprise attack is the best approach. The following recipe makes a sauce for 12 heavily sauced wings or 24 lightly sauced. Need to double it? Double the recipe genius. Damn I need to tell you everything. Let’s begin:

Take this gross ass looking chicken and place flat side down in a large greased glass dish. Follow manufacturer’s directions on how to cook in oven (mine were cooked from frozen). By the way I got a shitload of these wings so get ready for all sorts of new sauces. That’s right I’m talking to you my lone follower. Get ready for it.

About 15-20 min before the chicken is done, you should start your sauce. In a medium saucepan combine 1/4c butter, 1/4c tomato sauce, 1/4c tomato based habanero hot sauce, 1tbl tabasco, 1tbl worcestershire, 1tbl old bay, 1/8tsp S&P. Nothing special here; just throw it all in the pot.

Warm the sauce over med-low heat. At no point do you want this sauce to bubble. Do you think any of the ingredients need to cook? Stupid question, you probably do. Dumbass.

Time to pull that gross looking chicken out of the oven and damn it almost looks worse now! They look like mussels or some other sort of shellfish, gross. Move from your baking dish to a plate with two paper towels on top to drain some shit off. Then put them in a large bowl and pour the sauce over them. Toss to cover.

Not bad huh? Damn right. These were awesome. Too bad I ate them all and you cannot have any. Unless you make them yourself.