Chole (Curried Chickpeas)

I have been hanging onto this recipe for a long time. I think it is Japanese or Chinese but it doesn’t really matter because today it is American. I never got around to making it because dealing with fresh ginger is a pain in the fucking ass. Today I overcame my avoidance issues and picked up the requisite amount of ginger so I could finally make this fucking recipe. Alas, peeling it and grating it was a major buzzkill, but dinner was spectacular. Let’s begin:

Saute one large onion with one large ginger root (peeled & grated) and some garlic until mostly softened but they should still be semi firm. I can’t believe I have to waste my time explaining every little fucking detail to you. Just eyeball it, dumbass. Toss in 1tbl sugar, 1 1/2tsp cayenne, 1tsp cumin, and 1tsp coriander for about 5 minutes.

Toss in a drained can of chickpeas and two large diced tomatoes. “Should I seed the tomatoes?” What the fuck do you think? No, genius. Just dice them up. Holy crap.

Bubble over medium heat until reduced to desired consistency. Should take 10-15 minutes. Then add 1tsp tumeric, 1tsp garam masala, and some salt and pepper. Remove from heat. Garnish with cilantro and serve over rice or with that hippie crap, ‘naan.’ Eat it.

Rockstar Zucchini Muffins

Okay dummy, listen up. These muffins are perfect for the ladies as long as you say the right things. Call them the following buzzwords even if they are not entirely accurate: organic, vegetarian, vegan (only use this one if the chick is a psycho because any normal woman would not be turned on by this word.), free range, fat free, and light. If you are able to cram all these into one sentence you will earn the title of Master. Otherwise, drop them casually into your conversation. For example, “Damn those jeans make your butt look big! Good thing these muffins are fat free.” Let’s begin:
In a large bowl combine 3c flour, 3tsp cinnamon, 1tsp salt, 1tsp baking soda, and 1tsp baking powder. Set aside. In a smaller bowl whisk together 3 eggs, 2c sugar, 1c vegetable oil, and 2-3tsp vanilla. Pour into flour mixture and combine. Add 2c of grated zucchini and 1c walnuts. There are two things about zucchinis you need to know. First, do not fucking call them a courgette. This is America, not some loser country like France. Second, they retain a lot of water so after you grate them you have to press out all the water into paper towels.

Bake in a 350 deg oven for 20-25 minutes. And there you have it. Twelve tickets to paradise. “I bet these taste gross.” Fuck you idiot. They are light, fat free, vegetarian muffins made with zucchini from a free range organic local farm. Eat it.

Asparagus, Tofu, and Feta Pizza

I lied. I could not keep well enough away from my kitchen. When the option of ordering versus making a pizza was presented to me I had no choice. I had to make one. Your lazy ass, on the other hand, would not even consider making a pizza. Mostly because your pizzas suck as bad as my photography, loser. Let’s begin:
There are a lot of different flavors going on in this pizza and at first I was concerned it would be too much but of course it turned out perfectly. Start by making your pizza crust. Roast your asparagus with some olive oil, salt and pepper in a 400 deg oven for 5 minutes. For the sauce mix one can of tomato paste with one can of tomato sauce and add some basil, oregano, paprika, minced garlic, and salt. Top pizza with sauce, asparagus, pre-cooked tofu, and feta. You do not need to use the same toppings, dumbass. Just use whatever is in your fridge but be sure to pre-cook the ingredients that need to be pre-cooked (e.g. most vegetables, most meats, etc.).

Cook your pizza in a 450 deg oven for 15 minutes and you have yourself a pizza faster than one can be delivered and it even tastes better than DiGorno. Eat it.

Turkey, Bacon, and Cheddar Omlette

So I have not really felt like cooking for the past few days and I don’t think I will feel like it for another few but I figured that since you seem to actually care what I make that I would let you in on my breakfast this morning. After getting back from the bar after having a few screwdrivers, I needed to make breakfast. I scrounged my fridge and found bacon, turkey left over from last night (I bought it pre-cooked *gasp* from the local deli), cheddar and eggs. Time to make some greasy ass breakfast. Let’s begin:

Get everything prepared. Chop up the turkey, cook and break up the bacon, and grate your cheese. Whisk four eggs with some water and sour cream. “You don’t seem like you are into this. Are you okay?” Fuck you asshole. It is you that you should worry about. Don’t fucking pry into my life jackass.

Use your bacon grease pan. Pour in your eggs and once the bottom solidifies add your filling on one side.

Once the egg has mostly solidified fold it in half and let it cook for a little longer. Do not flip, dumbass. “Eww! That looks burned.” How fucking stupid are you? That is the result of cooking it in bacon grease, not overcooking it retard. Fuck you. Eat it.

Reader Submission – Bacon Wrapped Jalapenos

Just when you thought no one was fucked up enough to make these jalapenos, someone did and they loved them. Damn right. This breakfast delicacy is amazing with beer and it also gives you an excuse to drink in the morning! Meet Wayland Cook. Her blog is awesome and I envy her life. My dream is to perfect the art of permaculture; She is well on her way to doing thus. These almost, and I stress almost, look better than mine and they were made by her 13 year old daughter so don’t fucking tell me you are not fully capable of making them your-pathetic-self, loser. Kudos.

Citrus Pound Cake Muffins

Okay dummy, it has been a while since our last muffin escapade so I figured we are due for some serious muffin action. Today’s choice of dish was inspired by the blackberry compote I made. I desired a little something more in a side than vanilla ice cream so I am hoping these citrus pound cake muffins get the job done. Don’t worry, after the recipe I will provide directions to your nearest supermarket so you can just go buy their shitty ass pound cake, loser. Let’s begin:

In a small bowl mix 1c flour, 1/2tsp baking powder, and 1/4tsp salt. Set Aside. In a larger bowl, mix 1/2c sugar, the zest from one orange, and the zest from 1/2 a lemon. Blend it hardcore style with an electric mixer. Add one stick of softened butter and cream that shit. Now add four eggs, one at a time, and then add the juice from 1/2 an orange, the juice from 1/2 a lemon, and a splash of vanilla. Are you still following this or are you on your way to the supermarket already?Mix in your flour mixture.

Put your batter into a muffin tin. Unfortunately this brainchild of mine only yielded 10 muffins instead of the usual 12. “That is bullshit!” What-the-fuck-ever dude. You want to tweek the recipe to make 12? Be my guest. Until then be happy with your fucking 10 awesome ass muffins. Bake at 350 deg for ~20 min. Eat it.

Blackberry Compote

I did this guest post for Blog Catalog so head on over to their blog to check it out! If you are a blogger, and most of you are, I highly suggest you join their ranks. The discussion boards are fucking hilarious and super entertaining. I also made citrus pound cake muffins to pair with this awesome reduction so look for that posting to go up later today. In the meantime check out Blog Catalog and mingle with other bloggers! Enjoy.

Reader Submission – Potato Chips

So if you remember, and you probably don’t you fucking hippie stoner, my first attempt at making potato chips was a total bust but then I redeemed myself with some flipping awesome chips. I did, however, come to the conclusion that they would be better off fried as opposed to baked. Well one reader, Auri, capitalized on my incredibly great ideas and made her own. She did, however, have the bright idea to soak them in rock salt water and then fry them. I don’t know what this would accomplish but it sounds like something that would work. These chips actually look really good. What did you use to slice them? Kudos.

Lemon Roasted Halibut with Broiled Portabello Mushrooms

This dish has a nice fancy name but it is as simple as simple gets, like you. If you cannot make this lovely dinner then you have no business in the kitchen. Then again, you probably fuck up peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. But hopefully this is the recipe all you inept jackasses can actually try and pull off. “That sounds like a challenge.” That’s because it is one, loser. Let’s begin:
Start by prepping your fish. Pour a little olive oil over your fish and rub it down all nice and smooth like an inappropriate massage. Don’t forget to sprinkle it with salt and pepper, dumbass. Place two super large slices of lemon on top and you are ready to go. 450 deg oven for 15 minutes.

Cut one portabello mushroom into thick slices and place on a cookie sheet. Brush with olive oil and salt and pepper them. Broil for 5 minutes. You want the sheet ~3 inches from the burner and be sure to keep the door open a crack. If you do not follow these “suggestions” your meal with be all sorts of fucked.

Put them all together on the plate and there you have it. “Is it me or is this the most fucked up plating I have ever seen.” Fuck you asshole. This is my fucking lunch not some bullshit food network show. You want to learn how to cook? Stay here. You want art? Get the fuck out. Eat it.

Bacon Wrapped Jalapeno Poppers

Well it is time for breakfast again and I am mulling over my options: bacon, eggs, cheese, english muffin. Looks like another crappy breakfast sandwich. Wait! I have a bunch of large jalapenos! Someone was just commenting the other day on jalapenos and now my mouth is watering. How could I pass up the opportunity to make some motherfucking poppers for breakfast? Let’s begin:

Start by cutting your jalapenos in half. De-seed and de-rib them using a paring knife. Cut thick strips of cheddar and use them to re-attach the two halves. Tightly wrap with bacon to ensure no cheese will leak out. I know it is tempting but do not attempt to eat the bacon raw.

Cook at 400 deg for 30 minutes and there you have it. Another kick ass bacon wrapped breakfast. Eat it.